A Story Of A Rough Journey That Eventually Led You Discovered Your Worth

It’s been months since the last time you seen his name on your screen, heard his voice before you sleep, held his hands along the way, or just laughed over his silly jokes all day long. But it’s also been months since you spent your nights crying over him, worrying about your own self, your own values, all your insecurities that he never understood and seen.

 

It was a very hard time, the morning aftermath when you realized that it’s not him you’re losing, it’s all your routines, your daily convos, your dependable and inseparable self toward him. You had to switch all your days’ rotation after the night you said goodbye to him.

 

You thought that your heart was not only broken, it’s bleeding, scattered, and you got no idea how could you put the pieces back again. Each morning, when you opened your eyes, it felt like you’re drowning, you couldn’t breathe, neither you could cry. You felt so overwhelmed that you couldn’t contain anything anymore. You were about to explode. Almost every morning.

 

Every day became a struggle for you. Just to wake up, take a bath, and have a normal function like you used to be. You forced yourself not to show your scars to people. You smiled, you laughed, you did everything as if your heart was okay. Yet still, on the night, when you came back home, closed the door, the emptiness suddenly attacked you. Again, you couldn’t breathe, neither you could cry.  Almost every night.

 

And the worst thing, you didn’t know why.

 

It’s like a tangled thread you couldn’t put apart. Everything looked ruined, you didn’t know where to start or where to end. You couldn’t see anything clearer, everything seemed like a darkness poured in the night skies. The difference was this ain’t beautiful. You knew you couldn’t swim yet you always let yourself being drowned by the same ocean. You know you could have been died because of it, yet you always let yourself being cut in the same spot.

 

Because you just didn’t know why.

 

You read lots of motivational quotes on Pinterest. You tried to learn about what was actually happening with you by watching zillion TED talks on Youtube. You stumbled yourself upon many psychology tips & articles. Until you noticed, you couldn’t overcome this alone. You needed someone, a professional one. So, one day you pushed yourself to go seeking a therapist. You did some sessions, yet, you still felt like you’re always drowning each day. You felt they just didn’t get your back, didn’t understand you. So, you came back to your own empty nest, let yourself bleeding again.

 

Until that day came, you didn’t remember exactly when it was.

 

The time when you suddenly awakened by the feeling ‘I couldn’t be always like this, I need to stop, because no one could save me but my self’. That time, you didn’t know where the energy and vibes came from, you started getting the sparks again. You knew you needed to change, in and out. Because whatever you did, reminiscing all the pains were not gonna change the past, and worrying all your thoughts was not gonna change the future either.

 

You got up, you picked your phone, you called your friends. You invited them to go with you. But this time was different. You both didn’t go to the mall to fill your emptiness by impulsively shopping, neither you go to the cafe to feed your hunger by binge-eating. Instead, you worn your sports shoes, you tied up the laces, you went to the studio. You both joined the class, ate up the sessions. Got sweat, moved angrily.

 

That time, the moment after your class finished, you didn’t know why you felt so healed. It’s like it could erase almost half of your sorrow and fill almost half of your hollow. It made you addicted to getting another session, another class. Not only that, you started taking care of your own meals, your body. You were all ears to everything that your emotion told you.

 

Days became weeks, weeks became months until unconsciously you never cry to sleep any longer. The sun shines brighter in each morning. The waves of the ocean that once always drowning you, are no longer exist. You can laugh, smile, and function again, but this time is literally ones. You pay more attention to love yourself before start loving anyone else again.

 

Because you learn, being alone is way better than being with someone who makes you lonelier than usual. You know you don’t have to rush things just because you scared of losing it. What’s yours, will be yours, however. You understand it’s better to lose people than to lose yourself just so that we can keep being together with those who don’t see your values.

 

That time, when you realize, it’s been months since his name popped up on your screen, his voice swung you to sleep, and his hands hold you tight, and you’re not bleeding anymore, instead, you can smile and thank him for giving you so many lessons…

 

… you are healed. Your worth is discovered.

Never Ending Same Question: Ever Worried of Being Unmarried?

​”Have you ever worried about being unmarried?” One of my friends asked, again.
I know I have written and talked lots about these. With you, with my close friends, and with my family. And the more I discuss about this, the more it will end up at the same point. But, that time I asked back to my friend about why that question came up. 

“I just worry about it now, like… a lot. And I think it’s good to talk with you because you seem like so calm about it,” as my friend answered by texting me.

So calm. The answer reminded me of my friend who ever said the same tone. I remember, it was while we were hanging out together and they were all talking about their love lives matter, and then one of them shouting to me. “You know what, I think you are too free like a bird. Sometimes you need to think about your love life too.”

Then I am wondering now, do I look that careless?

Here, I try to explore my own mind as probably you would do the same. I don’t know what’s happening to me lately. As something happens related with my life, whether it’s a career, family, or even love life, it doesn’t really bother me. Not as much as before.

Somesay because I have succeeded controlling my own emotion now. I am not easily falling into stressors anymore. But I am my self thinking that it is because I have reached the limit of my threshold. Similar with people in the mountain. While they are freezing by the maximum coldness, they can’t even feel the cold in their body any more. Their skins become insensitive. In this case, my mental is becoming able to endure any stressors. Just because I have reached my limit.
Back to the main topic, do I feel worry of not getting married yet?

Well, no one wants to be alone in their lives. Most of people want to marry the person they love and build the family. It’s like one of human’s ultimate goal. So do I. I want the same thing. I also open my self for many possibility and chance, but it just doesn’t work up until now. It just has not happened yet for me now. 

I guess, I am tired of thinking the positivity of why I have not gotten the one. I am tired of seeking the make sense reason. So does to the many failures in my life. I am just exhausting of finding the logic reasons. That’s what turns me into someone who seems so careless about life now.

I am now a present life person. I live today, I make an effort today, but I don’t want to push my self thinking about what’s next, what ifs, what wills, or whatsover.
Funny that I even often hate my self in the past. The too ambitious person, the over achiever, the too much chasing person. Drawn in the remorse, I ask my self: What did I really chase that time? Why did I act like that in fact nothing lasts forever? 

Yes, nothing lasts forever. We are just an actor of this whole life that has already being planned by the Creator. The married and unmarried things, the hired and unhired things, those all aren’t supposed to be forced to happen, yet. 
So that’s what going on my mind. But then just texted back to my friend saying: “Because I just let things go. Nothing more.” And I know my friend really unsatisfied with my answer. 

Welcome To Tinder-ish World, A Place Where You Could Find An Agony

One day, I ever asked my manager why he used Tinder while he’s already married with a very kind and pretty woman. He said, just for fun. Well, that’s not surprising, at all.

Online dating has been developed since many times ago. If you ever heard chatting room applications with stranger such as miRC and Mingle, you would not be surprised of how Tinder becomes so popular recently. You don’t even need to wonder why.

If you have a chance to see a whole online catalogue, why bother walking around from mall to mall?

Yes, those such of Tinder-ish online dating applications cater us a very instant options of a good guys and ladies out there. Or at least, that’s just how it looks. There would be a point plus for us who have such a busy life and who want to have an instant catch. Wow, techno!

As our grand-grand-grand uncle, Einstein said, “I fear the day  that technology will surpass our human interaction.”

It’s really happening now. You might ever read stuffs of how dangerous Tinder-ish (or even social medias) affects dating nowadays, start from a forced hookups, rape, up to murder. Scary, yet true.

I will not tell you a lie, I admit that I used Tinder-ish too.

First, because I was just curious of how it works. Second, I wanted to know what kind of people there. Third, because much of my colleagues used it too just for their fun. And it’s a quite wow when I found that there were a lot of good quality people there, based on their profile such as jobs, names, photos, and how they explained their selves (you could differ people from their brief, isn’t it?).

But you know what, it was all began with the curiosity that led us into a more serious peril. It was all just ‘for fun’ things until we felt kind of addicted into it.

A feeling of ‘one more swipe’ or ‘one more hello’ that drove us over and over. We even tended to use it more often while we’re lonely or needing an approval or an acknowledgment. No wonder, a married person was also oured of this Tinder-ish too.

I will tell you how it came, based on how I feel toward it.

Tinder-ish applications provide us zillion good quality people.

Means, there would me more opportunity for us to find the person who suits with our qualifications VIRTUALLY. It could be their faces, their bodies, their smiles, their jobs, their schools, or even of how comfy they could make us while chatting with them.

We would find the approval of our own self easily while we could match with a top quality person there. We started thinking: “See, I’m not picky, I don’t have an over qualifications, they choose me too, means I am realistic!”

We would find the acknowledgment from the day to day conversation and flirting things there. That was when he or she said to you: “Hey, you have such a cute smile!” or “I like your eyes” or when they said they have a common interest with you. We could easily feel comfy somehow.

Then it would become more serious when we brought it into our real life.

Means, while there was a real person who try to be close with us, then we compared he or she with the ones we have in Tinder-ish world, we would always feel… incomplete. We would feel like: “He or she is way nicer.” That someway, brought a brick between us and the REAL opportunity.  

Let just say, some would end up with a meetup and hookup, not few who end up with a real relationship, but also, some would end up with a more and more searching, and moreover, some would just end up with… a more severe loneliness.

Why.

We can’t erase the fact that there are certain types of people in Tinder-ish world. The hookup-er, the fun searcher, and the most but the rare too, the lonely and serious one. It would not be a trouble when the same type meet each other. Like, the hookup-er meet the hookup-er too. Or the fun searcher with the fun searcher too. The matter happens when the lonely and serious one… meet the… other types.

Why.

Because somehow, even when the people in this type became closer and more intimate with the person there, the prejudice would overshadow them too. They would think of how unreal the intimacy they have with that person, especially when they both never meet. They also would think that person might has a similar intimacy with others at the same time they have with them. The thought of: “If he or she found me there, it’s so possible that someday he or she would leave me and find another one who’s better back to there.”

And just like a drug, when we tried to get rid of it, there would be a withdrawal syndrome. The feeling of agony. That’s why a research shows that it’s not good for us using an online dating while we are in loneliness. Because it would just lead us into another severe loneliness.

Wow, techno!

At this point, I could not be more agree with Uncle Einstein. Technology might make our lives easier. But not at the matter of feelings, emotions, and relationships.

Can not be analogous with finding things such as shoes, bags, or flight tickets; I must say that we can not e-buy a feeling and a person to love, right?

Are You Sure You Have Known Enough About Care?

Let’s talk about care.

What is actually care means in your opinion? Is it when you want to know a lot about someone? Oh no, perhaps it is just a curiosity. Is it when you try to warn off someone just because you don’t want to see them hurt? I don’t know, probably it is just a possessive act. Or is it when you still make a same effort even if they look a little annoyed by it? Well, probably it is just you who put the screws on it.

Just like love, admire, affection, and even hatred, care is something that very abstract to be defined and measured.

You can’t say someone cares just because they talk a lot with others, they ask a lot about others, they comment so much in other’s posts, or just because they state it by themselves (“I do this because I care a lot about you!” #meh)

Nor, you can’t say someone doesn’t really care just because they seldom ask about you, they don’t really look like they have an attention toward you, or maybe just because they look like they don’t want to know about your life any more.

Care can’t only be defined with that physical indicators even if someone probably tries to show it in that way. So, is it wrong for us to try showing our care and attention obviously to the others?

The answer will always be the same: It depends.

Personally, I say that I will always respect and moved by the act of someone’s care to me. Like, when I was in my toughest day then he/she came and asked me, “Are you okay?” or even they didn’t say anything but bringing me my favorite meal or ice cream instead. Or when they warned me off because they knew that I would have some hard times if I took a decision that they thought it could be wrong. I mean, who doesn’t like to be cared?

But again, when we care about someone, it doesn’t mean we can do anything to them just to show it. Care is not something that limited only to certain acts.

When we care about someone, it’s better for us to consider how to show it too.

If we do it in that way, would it make them feel better or even worse? Would it make them feel being cared or even being isolated? Would it make them feel okay or even make them feel being judged? Then, is it the right time to show it in our ways? Or, probably is it better to give them space and delay it until we could care them?

Why.

Because, sometimes, all that someone needs when they face a tough problem is just a space.

Space so that they can re-think about their problems and their behavior that made it. Space so that they just need to take a break and a deep breath and contemplate about their decisions or mistakes. In that time, perhaps they don’t really need our judgmental and too much statements. They don’t need us to drown them with the feeling of ‘oh-my-god-these-are-all-my-faults’. They don’t really give a damn with our care intention behind all of it. Because all that they really need is just a space. And a little tender caresses on their back.

What I am trying to say here is that it’s good if we have an intention to care with other. But, the way we wrap and show it up are very much important.

How could someone know that we care to them if we just act like we are the rightest person on earth? How could someone feel our love if all that we show it are just full of hatred and arrogant words (even if what we stated was right)? And how could we pour our care if all that we want was not prevent them from something bad, but just to show off that we are better and righter than them?

Words, people. Words are sharper than a sword.

If we can’t choose the right words to calm down someone’s tough life or problem, we’d rather be just silent and wait until they contemplate their lives first.

Because many times in a hard day, an open arms is much better than an open lips.

Except for a kiss.

*

We’re Not A Mister Grey, We Don’t (Always) Aim To Please

Likes and loves button are just little things that could represent of how much we, a human being, are really a status seeker, an approval hunter, a social climber, and an applause hunger. The notification that come from our daily social medias is just a little image of how, sometimes or perhaps often, we do things based on what people might like or love.

And I could say, it could torture us.

I personally stop acting based on what people might expect from me. Why? Simply, I’m too tired to please people.

I’m not born as Grey that live with a motto: “We aim to please.”

I did. I once a person who was very people and relationship oriented. I tended to do anything, to sacrifice anything as long as people pleased and stay with me. Did it back breaking? So much. Did I try to survive? I did. Not until something bad came. The fact that not everyone whom we please would do the same thing to us. And it’s really invidious.

I should admit that most of time when I wrote something, I always thought whether people will read it, whether they will like it, whether they have a time to even take a look at it. And what was the result? I never literally heard my own mind. I wrote because I wanted an approval, not because I wanted to deliver my thoughts. And again, it’s really exhausting.

Also, I couldn’t lie that it was a social acknowledgment drove me to perform outstanding. I wanted to be seen as someone above average, mostly from my big family. I wanted them to see me because of the scholarship I got. It’s like a compensation for my previous failure. I wanted people to see me arising after falling. I hungered for their confession. And what did happen? I felt buried and sunk when they didn’t give me any of it.

I felt like I was never good enough just because they never see me.

Until I watched some successful people in some professions, such as an author. One of the most remarkable words I ever heard comes up from the author of A Fault in Our Stars, John Green. He said:

“Don’t try to write a novel for being famous or for getting a lot of money. Write it as a gift for your reader.”

That really strucks. And also from one of my favorite famous local writer who said, “Just write well. Don’t think that people will hate it or not,” she also quoted others’, “remember that you write because you want something that you can’t read anywhere.”

There, I started to notice something important. There, I stopped doing things because I seek for an applause or credits.

I write words not because I want them to agree with me, but as to they could understand what inside my mind. I decide something not because I want people on my side, but so that they could see the way I choose and not hampering. I do things not because I want people love me, but in order to let them see me the way I am, even if they perhaps hate me and remind me if I do a bad thing. I cut down a habit to give too much and keep my circle small so that I would know who the real ones and who are not.

In short, I try not to care a loves and likes any more, because people is just people, number is just number, and it’s only us who know which one is better for ourselves, it’s only us who will bear the consequence from the decision we take, and it’s not them. I try to think, I do kind things for my own good, not for other.

**

For Those Who Keep Asking: “Do You Feel Lost Because of Getting Out Your Real Root?”

I thought it was only a friend, but then came another persons asking that same question:

“How do you feel doing these things that so out of your real root? How do your family feel about you in this case?”

You know what, it seems that my life has been always unexpectedly out of script. In every way.

 

 

I never wished to be a writer.

I hated reading. So much. My mom had to push me hard just so that I wanted to open a page. I preferred watching Sailor Moon, Cardcaptor Sakura, Goosebumps, or Minky Momo as eating a french fries than enjoying my big brother’s comics. Spending money for books never crossed my mind. It was my big brother that had a huge intention on books. He was a book-arse. He knew Albert Einstein, Abraham Lincoln, Walt Disney, Wrights Brother better than anything in his age. Even he also versed Detective Conan well. My mom always rubbed me in how good we will be if we start falling in love with books and begin to read. But then nothing was changed. I was still a person who hated reading.

 

I wanted to be a skillful and famous guitarist.

My Chemical Romance and some local bands inspired me a lot. I used to argue and had a fight with my mom because I shamed into attending some band concerts when I was a teenager. And perhaps also because I had a relationship with some band folks. I started being a rebel. Like a real rebel. Going home late, trying to do this and that which were too early for a teenage girl. But then I still believed that becoming a band personnel would be the coolest thing in my life.

 

I wished I could be an astronaut. I don’t know why.

Probably after watching Armageddon, The Day After Tomorrow, and that so happening 2012 movie. I obsessed with the universe, the moon, the stars, the galaxies, and everything related to the space. I was always curious about how the lunar eclipse happens, how much time people need to get into the moon, how it is like living in the other planet roaming on the space craft, where I could find the Aurora Borealis and how it can happen. That time, my mom supported me. She’s actually always. But then, willingness I had was not enough. I was too dumb to understand physics and mathematics. Most of all, I hate numbers.

 

Then after my mom gone, it seemed that I was out of control, lost of direction. I didn’t know what I would to be. A musician? An astronaut?

 

I ended up being a sophist, someone who lost the vision.

I tried many tests from various universities with different majors, like architecture, interior design, oceanography, even the fact that I hate numbers, I also endured my self doing a physics test. I passed almost all those exams but I stupidly didn’t take anyone of it. Because I was a sophist. I didn’t know who I wanted to be and where I should go and what I wanted to do.

 

A year after that, I even took psychology major and found my self wanted to be a forensic psychologist. So randomly.

That time, there’s no extrinsic drives moved me. It was really me who wanted to be like that. That time, also there’s no thing dragged my feet. That time, there’s a lot of achievements and compliments along the study I got. I did best, I accomplished great, almost too outstanding. That perhaps, people think it’s too good to be true so that there’s no one really settled for me to work with. Somehow, I could only be a forensic psychologist after taking a post graduate study whose program isn’t available on scholarship yet. That means, it was not only about the skill and knowledge you need, but also the chance and of course money.

 

And here I am now, I don’t have any dream. I don’t wish to be any body. I don’t impose my self for achieving something. I don’t blame anyone, not even my self for not becoming who I wanted to be, for not having what I wanted to have.

I am just me living in the present moment.

Sitting down in front of laptop, making pennies from zillions words I produce everyday, thinking the way of what people say as ‘a writer’ while I keep wondering whether my self is enough to be called as a real writer.

 

So, for you who ask about my feeling or my family’s feeling of me taking a decision to spend the life out of my real root like these days and thought that I must be lost…

My life has been like that long before today, dear. There’s no such difference between having a well-scripted future plan than living in the presents. Not because I am not being someone who I supposed to be then my life stopped. Not because I don’t do and have thing people do and have then I can’t be happy, then I can’t make my family happy.

The thing is that, as long as I keep doing the best, making money, and hoping nothing, everything will be good I guess. And no one is lost as long as they know which steps they should take even if they don’t have any destination yet.

At least, it will not be as painful as you had a well-planned life but got it crushed on the way, right? So, just live today and keep it going, dear. All is good.

**

I Tell Her: Hand The Knife Back To Them Because They Will Need It Again Soon

And so here I tell you the story.

About someone who thought be friend with someone else. She did the good thing in a technical and practical ways. She gave things they asked properly. She never thought anything but they were a part of her another circle friends. That people also never looked up to not good, nor bad, not antagonist, neither protagonist. Just like that. Because the thought about dramatic backstabber and stuffs never crossed her mind. Yet. Until one day, someone she trusts the most told her.

They are not.

It perhaps took several seconds for her to absorb every hurt words, every painful facts she told her. Even it took a little effort to wipe off and bear the bleeding because of the knife they stabbed onto her back. She just couldn’t believe that someone like that did exist. She thought that kind of people only live in a tale of some Disney’s stories, like a villain. Or she thought that it must be an important and precious thing that made someone could unsheathe a broad-bladed knife to someone else, onto her or his back, of course without s/he knew it.

Then I tell her these things.

The very first thing is that they ain’t (and never been) her friends.

I know this will hurt her feeling even harder. But she must notice. She did not lose friends, the fact is that she must realize that actually she never be friended with them. It’s not just because they hang around or laughed or spent the times with her meant they are her friends.

Some people are just so skillful of putting their masks on and pretending in order to catch and exploit many benefits from others. Then, she asked me again, how I could tell this. Of course, you could see it crystal clear. The real friends will be with you with or  without needs. It ain’t because they want you to help their works, nor always because they want something for you. The real friend will laugh with you for your jokes or funny things you both experience, not because they think that is the only way to make you feel like they’re your friend. It isn’t the need that becoming a drive of two people who state their relation as a friend, but an understanding. And also, the real ones will stay the same even if you’re no longer have a benefit for them.

Second, most of the betrayal and back-stab experiences ain’t come from enemies.

I know, this is bitter. But that’s true. I told her, she would never feel this hurt if she thought them as enemies rather than friends. And that’s why much people call it as a betrayal. Because one day you ever put your trust a lot and the other day you find out that they break it. The other different is that, I tell her, why she feels this unease, because the ones who back-stabbed her aren’t her enemies, they would seem like hug her first instead of attack her. That’s why she never prepared beforehand. So, be very careful with people now. It’s good to be kind with everyone, but just don’t expect them to do the same thing for you. Remember, expectation kills us.  And also, there are a lot of people like ‘Oh I will laugh and seem to have fun with Hillary so that I could praise Trump later’.

Third, I also learn from her story that life isn’t about who is real to our faces, but more about who is real behind our backs.

You can’t call some people as friends without proving it with your absence. The real one will not offend or defend you in your absence. They will told the truth and the very first thing, they will stand up for you, for good or for bad. It doesn’t mean they will always defend you like they are your advocates. They will just say the truth and crosscheck it to you later. So, if there’s someone who act contrary, don’t be surprised. There are some people who could be a friend with the ear, then enemy with the mouth.

Fourth, oh come on dear, you know what, the knife that they used, it would just be useful and powerful once your back turned.

Correction, only when your back turned. Most of betrayal comes from dissatisfaction or, this is the worst one, the jealousy. I know, it sounds so non sense for you, dear. But you must know, they got no power when facing you face to face. If they did, why ain’t they ask you for battle rather than stabbing your back, then? So, just stop blaming yourself because you have taken a wrong thought about their attitudes. Having a good heart isn’t a bad thing, having a good fake friend is.

And last but not the least, I have to tell her about the knife and the hole on her back because of the stabbing.

This will hurt, but you have to pull the knife out, bear the pain, cure the hole, and use the knife to cut off the tie between you and them, then hand it back to them.

Believe me, they’re gonna need it to back-stab other people soon. Because, for the deadbeats, losers, gossipers, nay-sayers, dream-crushers, passive-aggressive backstabbers, and an exploiters, once they did it to you, they will just do it to the other. And their lives will always be like that such a circle. Nothing’s really good will upgrade their lives, not without stabbing other’s back first and taking the benefit from it.

And for you, I know this sounds cheesy and classic, but just let it go.

You have a bigger world, why bother to get it ruined by the people like them? Be more mature and forgive them. Once more, having a good heart is not a bad thing.

The Tale For All The Brave Wanderer Who Still Seeking For A Way

This is for the worry that crawls almost every time you close your eyes.

And for the futility people think about what you’ve taken this long.
And for the inferiority at the moment you’re seeing other’s joy.
Also for all of your bewilderment over this conundrum of existence.
And for the endless clueless query nestles in your mind.

This is for the huge irritating vacuum on your empty heart.

And for the deep dark sorrow than ends up with a tear drop on your cheeks.
And for the stuffiness that seems so tight till you can’t breathe any longer.
Also for the powerful dejection detains your heavy eyelids in the night.
And for all of your mystify prayers that seem getting more out of question.

This is for the fighter who feels so lost on your own way home.

And for the wanderer trapped in the mislead maze of aimless direction.
And for the loner falls out of love with the sacred solitude.
And for the unrequited lover decides to full cease the affectionate feeling.
Also for the former champion stands by the break-point of giving up.
Because you feel like all the good things are behind you;

It’s the time to stop grin and bear it. It’s the time to stop hold it back, to stop over.

Even a seat-belt needs looseness so that the passenger could feel more ease.
Even a makeup has a second to be cleaned off and gives the skin time to breathe.
And even a kite yarn needs a little extend so that it could go up higher to the sky.

You shan’t be too hard to your self.

This is only a perishable fleeting life of human being.

Every second out soars-taken by your worries, you will just feel less and less happy.
Any when you push your self too strong, you will just feel weaker and weaker.
And at the time you over blame your self,
for all the mistakes you make, all the wrong steps you take, all the failure you do, all the weakness you own, all the dirt you get, and all the feeling of having fallen behind;

you eventually will just feel so execrable and nasty about your self.

This is the time to put off your tiring mask.

And stand up with your lovely pretentious infirmities.
Dance and jump with the spec and granule of your every follicle.
Go, chase and sweep up the beautiful rainbow that appears after the rain.
Oh, and there are always the sun and the blue sky soon after the storm subsides.
And the moon dust and the lucent stars spread on a wonderful rug of a night skies.
They are your truly companions.

They are belong to an extraordinary supreme charming creature like you.

Drop off your wild-goose to seek for an approval,
or for a needless answer,
or for a satisfying compliment,
or for a love and like buttons,
you’re not gonna need it any more;
because those are already yours.
Whiff, gulp, and sniff in the air around you.
And oh darling, don’t grip things too hard.

I’ll tell you once more,

they are already planted in your self.

Soak out the life you spend the very second now.
All the burden and load on your shoulders, you don’t need to suffer any longer.
Every thing that fated belong to you will be yours no matter how,
Every one that intensely love you will stay with you;
even your flame is extinguished,
even your mascara and lipstick don’t look good again on you,
even your jokes and words go dry,
and even your glare don’t glow any more.

So, just sing along the lullaby and ballad of life you love the most.
Your spellbound light will ablaze and shine enlighten the way.

And I am glad that you finally just are.

Being The Only Single Left Behind Could Be A Problem, But You’re Just Too Tired To Make An Issue

 

What do you think about marriage?

What was going through your mind about finding the right person? Have you got her or him? Or maybe you are experiencing the same thing? Have you ever felt so scared and not sure that one day you will find it? You’re so worried that you might be the last person still alone when all your companions are already married? And you’re the last person left behind?

You begin to think that no single opportunity to side with the right one. Do you even remember the last time someone asked you, not because he or she needs something from you, but because he or she cares about you? You don’t remember the last time someone holding your hand, to ask you to go to the cinema at the weekend? Maybe it was all those years ago? And it was your heart is completely emptied so that you do not care anymore about any chance? You begin to yield all to the power of God and no longer wants a lot of efforts?

You begin wondering, ah this probably my fault that I’ve done in the past?

Has someone ever cursed me so that it’s really hard for me finding just one person now? Did I make a mistake which hurt someone so much that left a deep wounds in his or her hearts that I do not deserve having a better one afterward? Can’t I just find one person who truly understands all my worries and ended up married to him or her? Because the one that you want to do is get married, like most of others. Do you live the same matters?

You never think that finding someone to marry you would be this hard. You’ve grown with the throng of doctrines that obstacles will be just about complete the study, find a job, and earn money. None of people in your family ever whispered that yes maybe you will experience problems with this one, finding your future spouse. Until finally you’re so surprised because you’re experiencing this problem. While perhaps others are never having a problem about this one. Until you’re tired and do not know what to say when they ask. You do not know how to explain anything because …

there is too much of a burden on your heart and mind.

You start looking for references, reading things that might make you calmer. You’re asking a lot of forums just to know that not only are you experiencing this problem all the burden. That turned out to be many people who experience the same thing. Do you feel knowing this will make you feel lighter, more relieved. Because in fact you were not all that strange than others. You also stuffing yourself with the motivational reading. That it was not fair to compare the rhythm of your life with the others’. That marriage is not the only destination and get married will not make you be more significant. Vice versa, that choosing not to married can make you better than them as well. You’re starting to open your mind that marriage is no longer the only thing that can define a person.

Marriage is more like a destination of place that is listed in the map of a traveler.

Maybe people will choose that site today, tomorrow, this year, or even not at all. Maybe he or she wants to get there but he or she is still gathering strategies, costs, funding, and other things to get there. Maybe he or she is eager to visit the destination, but just unable to do so, either because he or she run out of energy, run out of time, out of funds, or indeed feel … no need to get hurry. Just as a traveler who chooses to visit Venice than Paris. People who choose to go to Venice are no better than those who visit Paris. Also those who visit Paris are not better than those who go to Venice. Because basically it’s just a matter of the ability and willingness.

Marriage should not be an indicator of the success or failure of a person.

When you are married is not necessarily you are more successful than others. Also if you are not married yet it doesn’t mean you are more free than those already holding husband or wife. And so it goes you’re looking for facts to try to comfort you that it’s really fine if you’re still lying alone in a room, scrolling along your Instagram, laughing while watching the romantic comedy series, while your friends are out there are busy preparing for their wedding, choosing the type of card invitations, fitting their wedding dresses, or tasting food for their wedding party. It really doesn’t matter. But you are aware, there remains a vacuum in your heart when you remember … you’re the only one left while all of your friends have found a part of their love story.

You are the only one, literally.

But then you go back to bed, lying down, laughing again, because you feel … it’s not a problem, even though it’s a problem … you’re too tired to make an issue. And you just laughing again, try to comfort your own self.

Is not life should be just as simple as that?