Short Tellings

#4: The Day After She Let Her Go


So, this was how if felt.

Not to have someone coming back. It was cloudy, grey, and windy day. It’s almost like the earth knew how she felt.

Even the house still crowded with people, she felt there was a huge vacuum after she pushed the door. It’s like a hollow and dry hole. That then she walked into the room, not turning on the lamp.

The messiness didn’t bother her anymore. She felt that only the solid darkness was the best companion. She, again, only sat down reclinate on the door, embraced her legs, and closed her eyes.

So, this was how it felt.

To steel a self and a heart and only left that woman there, while she had to go back to this strange house altogether with her families. Why couldn’t she feel anything that time?

Was she relieved, was she gloomy, was she yearning, was she angry?

She was trying hard to reckon her own feelings until tears dropped and she eventually sobbed. As someone heard it and forced her to let them came in, her sob weeping became louder. As if their hugs couldn’t salve her.

So, this was how it felt, to be sad, a deeply wounded sad.



#3: The Way She Hated Her That Night


It wasn’t her house and she hated it more than the fact of it.

She hated when she got back and there were lots of people already taking care of that house. She hated when everyone stared at her like she was the pitiest person on this earth. She hated the quiet whisper of them.

And most of all, she hated when they asked, “Is she already on the way here?” like that woman really would go back to this place again.

She would, yet not in the same way. She did, yet not in the way she used to behave.

In minutes while she was just sitting down in her room, checking all messages that overflowed her inbox, that woman arrived.

She did, yet idled and motionless.

She really hated to welcome her in the house which not even her own, with so many corteges took care of her, put her to bed and rested her.

She hated so much that when everyone was out and it was only her and that woman, she whispered her, “Please wake me up,” she begged, “from this dream.”

Yet no answer from that woman. She didn’t talk to her like she used to. And she really hated that she never would again.


#2: The Night She Let Her Go


“She’s gone.”

She stood up, tried not to burst in tears, even if her heart felt like ready to explode.

She held her phone tightly. She didn’t know that it’s so hard standing still. Her knees were too weak to shore up all her supressed feelings, so she pulled over and leaned on the cold and sterile marmoreal wall.

She thought that it would be better if she just cried out loud like dramas she used to watch. But in fact, that time, she didn’t even feel anything. Was she sad, was she regret, was she tired, or even relieved.

All she could do just breathing.

“Are you okay?” He stood near her almost without her knowledge. In a blurry shade of lamp, she tried to look into those eyes behind a classic silver glasses.

“I think… I will go home… and just prepare… anything,” she exhaled and smiled. “Thank you, Doc,” and not forget, she thanked him for things she didn’t know. Was it for him to make every effort or to finally allow her letting all go.

“Take a good care,” he said as she went away.


#1: The Night He Let It Go


It was one of the frigid night in her life.

“There’s nothing more we can do, I neither want to give you a fair promise,” he spoke with a tone down but that was too tough for her, the fact he brought.

“I know,” like many times before, she responded almost like an autonomic reflex, robotic alike, more like an autotext or autoanswer.

He peered at her face that seemed as cold as the wind blew that night. The room between them only filled by the solemn silence.

“She must have been gone,” her weak voice suddenly cracked again. The man who sat beside her could only gaping at her. In minutes, the quietness came back and took over their space, until she got up as saying, “I’ll talk to them.”


Then it was his turn becoming almost to responsive than he supposed to be. He held her hand, kept her step stopped there. “We never let anyone go before it’s really over,” he whispered as got up until he paralleling her height.

“It’s already over. I know it. I feel it. Everything are only apparent. The breath, the heartbeat rate, the sinus, the hope. Covered by machines. And it’s time to ease away.”

“How would you know that it’s over?”

“How would you know that it’s not over, Doc?”

There, he could never be able to give her the answer even if he knew it. And that time, probably the first after his three years of tenure, he let someone go before he’s sure enough that it was over.

It was also one of the frigid night in his life. He must embrace his self.


One Day At A Dawn, She’s Too Scared To Let Herself Asleep


It’s already 1 AM but her eyes still opened as wide was her wandering mind. Actually, she’s been lying on her bed, beneath that comfy and warm sheets since 4 hours ago. She also had tried everything she could to push herself asleep, started from reading the book she hates the most, drawing a complicated and confusing calligraphy, up to listening to her favorite lullaby playlist. Did it work? Yeah. She’d been so freaking sleepy since hours ago. But no. She’s too afraid to let herself asleep. Dozens dreams she got recently kept flashing and haunting her every time she closed her eyes. How could sleeping even make a person feel so exhausted like this?

She just wanted a normal quality sleeping that could restore her energy, she asked it to God. She just couldn’t believe, the fatigue she made to herself so that she could go to sleep easily was completely defeated by her own fear. Oh, she just wanted to sleep without dreaming then, she negotiated again with God. She really was tired of feeling anxious every night like this. Her thought were interrupted by the vibration of her phone. She tried to answer it with a low voice because she didn’t want to wake anyone up.

“Hi, what’s up?” she whispered.

“My instinct was true,” he said.

“What do you mean?”

“That you must be still awake now. Couldn’t sleep again, uh?”

“Yeah. Too dread to fall asleep.”

“It’s okay. Those are just dreams. They will fade away when you wake up.”

“But it feels so real…”

She started remembering those dreams she’d been talking about. His beautiful hazel eyes, his warm grip, his hug, his feels-so-real-words, his chit chat with her…

“If it’s real, then I’ll be there for you. Now try yourself to sleep, I’ll just continue talking here.”

And like the other nights, she fell asleep with his soft and swinging voice escorting her. But, there’s one thing he’d never known. Those were not nightmares like he thought before. Those were all too sweet dreams. And it’s not because the dreams were very scary that made her terrified to go sleep. It’s because the reality that she must face every time she woke up. The fact that those were all just only dreams. And she couldn’t redeem that tremendous yearning…

Oh Oracle!


“You have a very good fortune, luck, and a chance,” she said by grabbing my hands. I shocked and fastly pulling my hands. I walked and left her behind. I thought she was insane.

Yes, definitely I could say that it was just a moron oracle wearing all the creepy things all over her body. Because I swear, today was the worst day in my life. Oh yeah, of course I live with all the shits happen, but these were the worst one.

I was blamed by my boss, he yelled me just because I came late which was so normal in Monday routines. I found my desk full of tasks, yet my pc seemed looking for a fight with me, it was cracked and error. And the worst of all, I caught my crush just officially making a relationship with other girl. Then that creepy fortune-teller said I have a very good fortune? What a weird.

The new beginning is just about to come.

Oh come on! I screamed out inside my heart while reading that funny shouts coming to my mail. I wanted to slam my phone. But I stood in this train and it would be so captivating for people seeing me that way. So, here I am, standing and yelling out my life.

Until I saw something strange in front of me. A man was patched by other man, like he would be stolen. I asked my self what should I do and will I get something good if I helped him. Crap. Helping people for no cause. My other self forced me to stop that thing so I came closer quietly to that man. Then whispering,

“Keep a distance, someone’s trying to grab your stuff.”

At first he puzzled and confused. But he did what I said. He took a step forward which was far enough not to be grabbed. And I stepped back, drawned into my complains again.

In the trains stop, while I was walking out, he called me, he came closer, then he thanked me. “Well, thanks, it would be my worst day if you didn’t do that,” he said.

I was stoned in a seconds. But my memory flew back into what that oracle said. I got it. Maybe, luck isn’t just about us, but helping people to escape from their worst day, is it? So I smiled and left him. But he ran after me and said, “How about having a coffee or two?”

And luck, of course is about meeting a new chance that might be your postponed-destiny.

Akan Ada Waktunya

People 1There will be a time when you feel like a gravity against you. Nothing is on your side. Nothing feels alright at the right and proper portions. For me, it’s happening. 

“Terus, mau sampai kapan?”

Aku rasa pertanyaannya harus dibalikkan ke kamu. Jawabannya ada di kamu. Bukan di aku. Because the more I seek, the more you hide. Ini hanya bakal jadi permainan yang tidak berujung. A game without winner. 

“Kalau ada sesuatu, kamu bilang sama aku. Jangan malah update di mana-mana.”

And there will be a time that you feel even someone you expect the most is the one that hurting you back, unconsciously. Or it’s just—you hurting your own self, consciously.

“Diam nggak bakal memecahkan masalah,” ujar kamu menghakimi.

And if the time is coming, all you need is just being bold, brave, and decide. Stay or leave the game. 


Setidaknya Kamu Masih Punya


I hate my mom. Dia nggak pernah bosan nge-whatsapp aku. Bentar-bentar nanya kapan mau pulang. Ya ampun, aku udah gede kali. Nggak perlu lagi ditanya kayak anak kecil yang harus balik ke rumah sebelum Magrib. Lama-lama aku capek begini terus. Kalau aku marah malah dibilang anak durhaka. Terus, setiap aku posting sesuatu di Path, dia selalu komen yang bikin malu. Mau dihapus nanti malah jadi masalah—lo dengar curhatan gue nggak, sih?”

Aku ngangguk.

“Tapi dari tadi lo diam doang. Lo lagi nggak fokus?”

Aku geleng.

“Terus, kok lo malah bikin gue makin bete sih?” gusarnya dengan wajah kesal bukan main.

Aku cuma nyengir. “At least you still have a mother, right?” lalu aku ngacir begitu saja.

Somesay, kita baru mengerti betapa berharganya kehadiran seseorang right away after that person’s gone. But the stupid thing is that the regret itself always come at the end of story, right?


Ada Rasa di Sepiring Pasta

Food 1

“Carbonara, pastanya penne, cream cheese-nya sedikit aja, dan mozarella-nya yang banyak. Tambahin parmesan juga.”

Aku mendongak. Lah. Tengok menu saja belum. Kamu kok sudah sok tahu? Tapi dasar akunya yang lagi malas mikir, kubiarkan pilihanmu ambil alih. Herannya, kamu sendiri pilih menu yang namanya saja tidak kudengar dengan jelas. Well heya, this is only menu.