It’s been months since the last time you seen his name on your screen, heard his voice before you sleep, held his hands along the way, or just laughed over his silly jokes all day long. But it’s also been months since you spent your nights crying over him, worrying about your own self, your own values, all your insecurities that he never understood and seen.
It was a very hard time, the morning aftermath when you realized that it’s not him you’re losing, it’s all your routines, your daily convos, your dependable and inseparable self toward him. You had to switch all your days’ rotation after the night you said goodbye to him.
You thought that your heart was not only broken, it’s bleeding, scattered, and you got no idea how could you put the pieces back again. Each morning, when you opened your eyes, it felt like you’re drowning, you couldn’t breathe, neither you could cry. You felt so overwhelmed that you couldn’t contain anything anymore. You were about to explode. Almost every morning.
Every day became a struggle for you. Just to wake up, take a bath, and have a normal function like you used to be. You forced yourself not to show your scars to people. You smiled, you laughed, you did everything as if your heart was okay. Yet still, on the night, when you came back home, closed the door, the emptiness suddenly attacked you. Again, you couldn’t breathe, neither you could cry. Almost every night.
And the worst thing, you didn’t know why.
It’s like a tangled thread you couldn’t put apart. Everything looked ruined, you didn’t know where to start or where to end. You couldn’t see anything clearer, everything seemed like a darkness poured in the night skies. The difference was this ain’t beautiful. You knew you couldn’t swim yet you always let yourself being drowned by the same ocean. You know you could have been died because of it, yet you always let yourself being cut in the same spot.
Because you just didn’t know why.
You read lots of motivational quotes on Pinterest. You tried to learn about what was actually happening with you by watching zillion TED talks on Youtube. You stumbled yourself upon many psychology tips & articles. Until you noticed, you couldn’t overcome this alone. You needed someone, a professional one. So, one day you pushed yourself to go seeking a therapist. You did some sessions, yet, you still felt like you’re always drowning each day. You felt they just didn’t get your back, didn’t understand you. So, you came back to your own empty nest, let yourself bleeding again.
Until that day came, you didn’t remember exactly when it was.
The time when you suddenly awakened by the feeling ‘I couldn’t be always like this, I need to stop, because no one could save me but my self’. That time, you didn’t know where the energy and vibes came from, you started getting the sparks again. You knew you needed to change, in and out. Because whatever you did, reminiscing all the pains were not gonna change the past, and worrying all your thoughts was not gonna change the future either.
You got up, you picked your phone, you called your friends. You invited them to go with you. But this time was different. You both didn’t go to the mall to fill your emptiness by impulsively shopping, neither you go to the cafe to feed your hunger by binge-eating. Instead, you worn your sports shoes, you tied up the laces, you went to the studio. You both joined the class, ate up the sessions. Got sweat, moved angrily.
That time, the moment after your class finished, you didn’t know why you felt so healed. It’s like it could erase almost half of your sorrow and fill almost half of your hollow. It made you addicted to getting another session, another class. Not only that, you started taking care of your own meals, your body. You were all ears to everything that your emotion told you.
Days became weeks, weeks became months until unconsciously you never cry to sleep any longer. The sun shines brighter in each morning. The waves of the ocean that once always drowning you, are no longer exist. You can laugh, smile, and function again, but this time is literally ones. You pay more attention to love yourself before start loving anyone else again.
Because you learn, being alone is way better than being with someone who makes you lonelier than usual. You know you don’t have to rush things just because you scared of losing it. What’s yours, will be yours, however. You understand it’s better to lose people than to lose yourself just so that we can keep being together with those who don’t see your values.
That time, when you realize, it’s been months since his name popped up on your screen, his voice swung you to sleep, and his hands hold you tight, and you’re not bleeding anymore, instead, you can smile and thank him for giving you so many lessons…
… you are healed. Your worth is discovered.