Author: titikoma;

We all started as strangers (and might end up as strangers too).

What 2017 Has Taught Me

That many times you have to embrace yourself, step out from your comfort zone and be ready for the wind and thunder out there just so that you could explore your other sides. Because it is good to set rules and plans in your life, but you also have to be ready for each changes life gives you. Nothing is certain in this life, the certainty itself has a probability of becoming the uncertainty. So, don’t be afraid of leaving your warm and cozy blanket and go sailing.

 

That many times, you could be strong when being strong is the only option you have. You can’t rely yourself on others. Everybody has their own script and goals they want to achieve every day. It doesn’t mean no one would care about you, it is just–depending yourself too much on people will eventually leave you disappointed. Because you expect too much and expectations kill as you may know. So, believe yourself that you could go thru hard times, even alone.

 

That many times falling in love doesn’t always make you happy, farther when you don’t even sure that you are the only one who receives the butterflies he or she sends to you. It could be any others and it’s not fair if you are judging him or her for sending the butterflies to other as the unkind manner. It’s their right. So, everything is going back to you whether you want to keep their butterflies even you know falling for them will hurt you, or just moving on.

 

That many times you could not rush something just because you think you are running out of time. Time will never end unless you decide it ends. You perceive it ends. Rushing something will only leave you exhausted because you are competing with your own self. And everything prior to conflict with our own self is tiring. So, take a while, live at the moment, believe in the process, and the result of your painful efforts will come.

 

As well as many times you need to get yourself out of wondering what is coming next too much. It will lead you to the overthinking and it ain’t good for your mental hygiene. Shall you know something will be bad for you, it’s better to cut it off rather than continue doing it while you’re wondering what will happen if you stay? So, the decision in the very early stage of your steps is very crucial and important.   

 

And that many times the drama you face is not coming from outside, it’s within yourself instead. It could be you are the only one who starts creating your own drama. That maybe, either in work or relationship, it’s not the who drain you emotionally, it’s your own self. And knowing that drowning yourself in dramas will be tiring, so you have to stop it from your own self.

 

For the brighter, happier and more enchanting 2018.

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Stop Testing Him, Because Perhaps You Just Love the Idea of Loving Him

It’s been a while since you both knowing each other.

You still remember how you both first met. Each day, you are getting closer to him. It feels like he always opens himself to you. He told you lots about his day, how it was so hard for him through his job, how it was so fun his games went, what he would do for a month ahead. He even talks about the plan to go with you next time. That you don’t even sure what next time means for him. It could be tomorrow, next days, weekends, or even becomes never.

You can’t stop smiling each time you see his name pops up during your boring meeting-to-meeting days. Or in the middle of the conversation that you have with your friends. You can’t lie to yourself that, somehow, his name always successfully grabs your attention. Whatever it takes. Whatever it appears. Whenever it shows up. He indeed has a special spot in your mind.

Just his simply sweet talk, just his simple voice notes, just the way he anchors his face in your brain from night to night. You know he’s special for you. You know you both have an opportunity, or at least you wish.

But you know what, have you ever noticed that you might be in your own story along this time?

Have you ever asked yourself, what would happen if you never showed your interest to him first, would he be the one who showed it then? Have you ever been alert, does he ever know your favourite drinks and foods, or even has he ever wanted to know that? Have you ever been thought, when he talked excitedly about his plan in a month, has he ever asked about yours, or even has he ever showed his curiosity towards yours?

Oh dear, you don’t have to answer.

It’s sometimes hard to know whether people are truly falling in love or just falling into the idea of loving someone. It’s sometimes so blurred to see whether people need someone so hard as their personal self, or they just need anybody as a human being. It’s often not easy to recognize whether people are comfortable with their close relationship because they are mentally satisfied, or they have just been trying to satisfy their selves and convincing their own situation. Many time they are trapped in a grey and blurry area they didn’t even know their selves.

Oh dear, you don’t have to overthink about it.

When you always try to push yourself just to give him one more chance, one more test. Just so that you know whether he will invest in yourself in a balance amount or not. Or just so that you know, that song he sang and sent to you in the midnight was because he thought about you, and it wasn’t just because he was bored, or drunk. Or just so that you get a clearer vision that he really meant to meet you and it was because he was longing too.

Oh dear, you don’t have to continue testing him, checking him.

Even if he might be your favourite what ifs, or maybe he is your most-waited notification, or maybe his voice becomes your favourite caffeine, no he’s not. You deserve someone that could be more than just that. Your time worth for someone who could give you more than just a need to validate, to make sure, to grow up being insecure. No, you don’t.

Maybe it’s not him that you crave for, maybe it’s not him that you actually long for, maybe it’s just not him who deserves all of your attention, loves, and energies. Maybe.

He Both Makes You Excited to Fly Yet Scared to Leave the Ground

Here, takes my jacket that you might feel warmer, he said.

You pulled in yours and you said no thank you.

Here, I give my hat that protects your hairs from getting wet, he offered.

You opened up your umbrella and said let’s walk together and get safe.

Are you tired, do you need me to take your bag, he asked.

Aren’t yours heavier I could see it, you answered with the smile on your face as you touched his bag.

It’s okay we could use my card, he whispered when in the cashier.

Thank you, but please I will pay it later on, you begged him.

 

He was nice, you thought.

Maybe it’s just because he was nice, like—to everybody, your mind fought.

But at least he treated me like a gentle one, you still tried to argue.

Being gentle doesn’t avoid someone from being a player, your mind still could debate you.

Could you please just be quite a bit, you tried to shut your mind.

I couldn’t, I am protecting you from getting hurt, it resisted.

Why do you even hope me to get hurt, you protested.

Because I know you would, everybody knows, even your heart, it indeed answered.

I hate knowing it but at least could we enjoy the moment a bit, you argued tenderly.

Well—

 

Are you tired from walking in miles with me, he interrupted your crazy battlefield.

You just smiled and laughed, not even a bit, you said within your heart.

It is funny thinking that you keep things going thru the hard times.

Thru the doubts, thru the tears, thru the pain, thru your own mind conflict;

Here seeing yourself walking side by side with him.

Like nothing ever happened before. Like you have crushed the walls you have been building for many years. Like—just like that.

 

You want me to drive you home, he offered in doubt.

You stared at his eyes thoroughly.

Oh shut up, your heart is not a titanium, just say no, the mind told you too.

Maybe a little bit test, your heart interrupted.

Test your own self fool, your mind protested, there’s no time for that.

 

You’re still stoned and caught him seeing you, waiting for an answer.

Is it okay, you whispered in doubt too.

Sure, I can’t let you go home alone anyway, he answered as he smiled.

But, after one more cup and one more talk, he added.

You never expected that kind of response.

Is it okay to feel this, you asked your own self as you could not handle a little butterfly tickles your belly.

 

You talked and laughed and sometimes let the air took control.

You didn’t actually know where this all would lead.

Would this end in flame just for tonight?

Would there be no other hi after this time?

Would he just come crossing your lines like other persons?

Would your mind show that it’s right or—would the heart win?

 

You really have no idea. But as you turned your head and saw smile in his face, you thought;

It’s okay. I am afraid yet I just want to enjoy the very moment. And it’s enough.

On The Hardest Night, I Try Telling My Heart This

It has been a rough rocky road and I appreciate that you hold yourself just to survive.

I know many times you are in pain, sore, but you resist to admit that it did happen.

You keep beating as if there is no one try to wound you, even if it ain’t.

 

It has always been a tough time when you keep distributing the blood all over the body,

just to push this person so that she could keep breathing, like a normal one.

When in fact she always feels like she is in the narrow, compact room in which there is no space to gulp an oxygen.

And I really appreciate you could go thru.

 

It has been a heavy day when you keep telling the mind that everything is just a temporary.

That all the storm it faces now is only a while.

That it will still be a light at the end of the tunnel.

That perhaps, the pain you feel it is just an illusion and it sure could be vanished.

 

Therefore, I thank you for going through these.

 

 

 

Support Will Mean More While They Are Still Alive, Not When They Have Just Gone

Classic quotes says, we will start realizing that someone is very precious in this life after they are no longer with us.

Either it is because of a broken relationship, a divorce, or even worse, because of the death. That then, we will be poured by the very deep sadness and gloominess after they gone. But, does it still have a meaning for them or maybe for our surrounding even it has just happened after they gone?

We all know that world is now broken because of a sudden demise of one of the lasting bands’ lead vocal, Chester Bennington. There are lots of outpouring loves and supports come from all over the world, remarking that Chester was the best figure that ever lived, that everyone put their heart into it, and that they will miss him so much since then.

Of course, it’s normal thing to happen, especially when it comes to public figures who grab people’s heart. Losing and yearning become one package. The sudden throwback of how beautiful the memories they ever kept in mind play over and over again. Many people want to showcase that they care about that people’s bereavement. A lot.

But one thing provokes the big question is that, why have these all  just happened now? Where have we been before?

Mentioned that one which triggered the suicidal act Chester did was a depression. Reported a lot too that he had a tough battle of his mental health. He was also molested when he was seven years old. That then in one peaceful day, when he had just dropped his family home, he was found hanging himself. That day, he decided to end his 41 years of life in this world. Sad, tragic, but it could happen to anyone, not only to public figures whose life often being too much exposed and pressed.

But then again, why people have just put their attention only after it happened? Where have we been along this whole time?

The truth, most of the times we don’t really care toward something related to someone’s life.

We don’t want to involve ourselves too far in the problems that people have. We think, we also have our own lives and problems that need to overcome. Moreover, when we start seeing the load of troubles people have are getting bigger, deeper, and more serious. And it seems have no ending, we start taking a step back and consider to just watching from afar. Because again, we don’t wanna be infected by negative vibes. Especially when the person begins to showing that they have a tendency to do a self-harming, and it’s very hard to prevent them. We think, okay I will just get out from their messy life, and let just they be it.

Well, it’s again, a normal after all. Because we are not an angel that could magically help people’s life, right? We have our own limit and we will just stop trying when the situation gets hard.

But, what we can learn from Chester’s story and the world’s sympathy is that we could be an angel. We could magically help saving people’s life. Not by waiting until something bad happen first, but while they are still needing our support, silently or outspokenly.

It is when our inner instinct tells us to approach them because we feel that they need us, and it’s not always them telling us first. We could feel it, we could see it. Even some of them will tell you openly that they really want to end their depressing life. Simple, just tell them that their lives is precious. That there are hundreds of ways to find the solution. That there are lots of thing they could do to channel their stress mind into something more productive. And this one works effectively, just tell that when they start harming their self, nothing will happen. Their problems will never be solved. And if they are trying to grab attention, no one will see them just because they harm their self.

Give them the insight, what if they end their life now and the fact is that everything get better the day after they took their lives, wouldn’t they regret it? Once they slice their wrist and God say, okay I will take your life now, they could never reverse and take it back. Remind them like that.

That’s how our supports will give more meaning to them. While they are still alive and needing it. Not when we could only see their body hanged.

Let’s be an angel for those who need it.

 

 

​When You Were Only A Snack For Their Starving Ego

You finally noticed, it wasn’t you, it’s them.

You thought, there’s perhaps something wrong with yourself because they never showed their curiosity toward you. They never seemed eager to dig something deeper about you. They didn’t look interested to swim into your life. Even only for casual purposes, they just didn’t.
You thought, this was perhaps just a part of the long way steps. The beginning phase that you needed to understand. The part wherein you had to hold up yourself for revealing anything about you, one by one, just like peeling an onion. Because you assumed, maybe they wanted to know.
You thought, oh probably you needed to re-polish your life so that it could attract them just a little bit more. Cause you didn’t think they were totally uninterested with you. Cause you didn’t see they didn’t want you in their lives. 
They always tried to drag you back everytime you started going away. They always tried to knot their rope every second you decided to cut it off. They always tried to pull you closer that made you thought, oh you guessed you just needed to give them a second chance. And everything might be better. But it wasn’t, they didn’t.
It was not you, it was them.



When they only talked about how they ran their lives in a day-to-day basis without even asking how yours was. When they were busy telling you about what their favorite songs were, or which café they tended to choose, or how their weekend was without even asking you back. Without even giving you seconds to tell yours.
That when you gone missing, because you were just tired of always listening their long fairytale of their own world. Or because you felt like there was no point of keeping this relationship. Or because you wanted to stop caring them; They just came close to you by asking, “Where have you been?” like you were so precious.
And when your stupid foolish mind whispered, yeah just one more chance, and you gave it. By hoping they would change. By wishing they would never be absorbed in their own world again. But they didn’t. And you knew that time, that’s why they wanted you back. Because they only needed a validation of their own existence. They only wanted them to be known, to feel being liked, and to let people entered their “I AM” world.
They just needed you to feed their hunger ego of starving the popularity, the “showcase here my world” program. They would never care about you even if they seemed. Because their only goal was just to make everything focuses only to them. Only about them. And that’s it.
You’re not a snack on the market that they could only pick in the hunger and then leave it on the dustbin. No, you’re not. You deserve even better.

To All Women, Here Is Why You Must Keep Your Career On Track After Getting Married

Nothing is more blissful than being a wife of someone who love you so much.

Someone who might give you tons of promises to always be together since he gives you a ring. That sacred ring where all your waiting ends. And you believe him because this was one of your ultimate goals; to get married and build a family. When you finally say yes, everything in your world turns a little different. Getting money and a job promotion are no longer on your first list. Showing off your hectic life in your office story is no more interesting for you.

That’s why you don’t feel anything when you have to give the resignation letter to your boss. Even if your boss ensures you with the question, “You are on the top of your career, are you sure to do this?” You nod without any hesitation. So what? Because you have a real life now. The life you have been dreaming of; being his Mrs.

The comeback from your sweet honeymoon might still feels a dreamlike. Waking up beside him and still sometimes can’t believe yourself that you are now his. Watching and cuddling with him beneath the warm and cozy blanket. And then voluntarily move to prepare for his breakfast before he works. And still, it feels like a dream comes true. Posting all your breakfast and daily newlywed’s activities almost everyday because you want to share the happiness you have with him. Your one and only husband. You want the world know.

You don’t mind even if you spend your entire 20s life to chase that degree which only ends up in this kitchen. You have no objection to agree with what he ask that it’s better for you to fully stay at home. All day long. Cleaning the house, sometimes doing grocery shopping, learning new skills of how to be a great wife on the kitchen and bed, and sometimes just flicking to the television on the couch.

You are happy and there’s no need to wonder.

And then you are now having his baby in your tummy. The little him. You will soon to be a mother and he looks more than wonderful to know it. He takes care of you very much because he just anxious if something happen with the baby. Until your due date comes and he accompanies your labor. And then it’s a perfect package of complete happiness; A little family. What a sweet story everyone dreams of.

But you know what, it’s not because I am being a sarcastic or pessimist that I have to tell you the bitter part. The other story you might never watched before because perhaps you’ve been living in a very peaceful bunch of families and neighborhood along this time. The truth is that;

I have been witnessing many women in my life suffering after the passing of their husband.

Not only because of the death tear them apart, but also because of divorce. Some might end up with the grief they try to cope, some struggle so hard to strike a blow for their certainty of legal issues, some fight to win back their own property things, and some just try to keep breathing like a normal when they definitely can’t.

This somehow reminds me of what my mom ever said, “Never cease your career life even if you have a rich husband and he promises to vouched for your entire life.” And when I asked why, she didn’t answer. But now I got it.

Surviving your career life after getting married isn’t only about keeping the money flows, but also maintaining your networking.

I know, you can still have a certain kind of society without being an employee. But this case, I talk about the opportunity and doors that might open for you. With or without your husband meddled with. It’s okay to cut down your very busy schedule by re-negotiating your position with your boss if it’s possible. Rather than giving it up at all. It’s okay not to give your time as much as when you were still single. Because you have to take care your household life.

But again, if you’re now a career woman and getting married with someone, I think you need to reconsider if you want to change from a full time employee into a full time wife.

Let’s just talk the sorest part we never want to face. If someday, something happen with your marriage, and your husband leaves you in a situation in which you are a full time wife, either forever or for other woman, and he doesn’t leave any penny for you, what will happen with you and perhaps your children? Are you going to give up being a mother for them?

I’m sure you won’t unless you still have a Cinderella’s mother lineage.

The main benefit if you keep your career on track after married is surely in your financial life. You might have to handle your husband’s money, but you have your own. You can either use it to support him or just spend it for your fun. The other advantage is on your self-esteem, how you value yourself as not only a wife but also a woman separated from your married life. Yourself still have a high price even if you’re no longer single. Out of the Mrs. title in front of your name, you have your intellectual badass mind, a sexy brain, and a youthful skills of work, and of course piles of professional experiences that many companies willing to buy.

Means, if the bitter scenario of your marriage runs, you still can be alive with a normal breathing. You might struggle as a single parent, but not as hard as those who decided to cut off their career. You might face a rocky way to maintain your household needs, but not as hard as those who doesn’t even have anything to sale.

So, all the Mrs. soon to be, being a career woman doesn’t mean you are an alpha independent who doesn’t know where your root as a wife, but it shows that you always have a backup plan. Because nothing is sure in this life. You need to be ready for every kind of change.

*

Cut Off All The Bridging And Stop Feeding Yourself A Mixed-Signal

Do you think that your current Facebook status will be understood by the person you targeted?
Do you expect that your sudden missing manner will send the right signal to the person you wished to?

Do you even think that your silence will make them notice that you actually want to be heard?
Do you wish that the way you give a very short text back will make them wondering if there is something wrong with you?
Do you hope that when you put some deep pathetic quotes on your Instagram will be received as some hint for them?
That when they finally realize you are acting different and they ask you why, you will just say that you are okay and nothing is happening?

 

The truth is that many times people are busy with their own life and problem.

Their daily happy routine. Their fave cup of coffee. The song they fancy the most. Even the complaints from their boss and clients. The high stack of their daily task that soon need to be done. The bills they receive from letter in their mailbox. The tired heart they try to fight every morning.

They have their own business to handle everyday and keeping an attention to interpret all your bridging and signal is no longer necessary for them.

They don’t have a time and they don’t want to spare a time for it. Because again, they also have their own life.
And if you hate getting a mixed signal from people because you are tired to seek all the meaning behind it by yourself, just stop sending them yours first.

 

Stop thinking that it will be good for you telling them implicitly rather than frontally. Stop hoping that all those hints you send will be properly decoded by them. Stop wanting them to understand what inside your mind every night.

Stop it and just cut off all the bridging. Tell them instead. Clear and bright.

If you miss them but they never have a time for you, just tell them that you thirst for their hours. If you angry with them because of the latest conversation you have, just shout it and fix it until it gets right. If you always be the one who tries to keep things go between you both, just freaking say that you need them to do it too, so that your relationship will be balanced. And if you doubt about your feeling toward them because they sometimes send the puzzling signal, ask them. Ask them whether they really want to stay with you.
They are not a fortune teller, not a paranormal, nor a spiritualist. They can’t peek inside your heart, they can’t hear you feeling, they can’t always see what’s your real meaning, that’s why you need to seriously tell them.

 

Because if you keep bound in this kind of hoping game, it is you the one that will eventually get hurt. It is you the one that will feel as if they don’t want to understand you. And it is you the one that finally will just let them go again because you think they don’t want to keep you. In fact they just have no idea of how to do it. Just let them know.

*

 

What It’s Like To Regret For Ever Meeting You

Just so you know how many times I deleted your number and told myself that I would never want to talk with you again.

Just so you know how much I kept myself busy just so that there would be no space in my mind to even think about you.

Just so you know how hard I struggled to overcome the urge every time you said you want to meet me.

Just so you know that I held my heart so hard until I felt numb every second I thought that we were meant for each other.

Just so you know how much I killed the night by over analyzing your latest message for me that time.

Just so you know how tough efforts I put just to look happily normal so that you might not know the battle I faced everyday.

Just so you know how many times I tried so hard not give any response once you appeared again after been a while.

Just so you know how sore my chest once I saw something that reminds me of you, reminds me of us.

Just so you know that I tried to comprehend so well about every beginning must have an ending so that the pain would vanish slowly.

Just so you know how much I talked to my own mind about you as only one of the words that I should have just skipped in my chapter.

Just so you know how strong the remorse I felt as much as the yearning of the daily talk we used to have.

Just so you know how much you have succeed to convince myself for starting to love and to be loved again.

Just so you know how pain this heart when I woke up hoping your text would popped up and welcoming my fuzzy morning.

Just so you know that when you decided to stop everything between us, I started doubting my self again;
Of my worthiness, of my value, of my existence, and of love that I tried so hard to believe again.

Just so you know that when you chose to eventually walk away, I wanted to slap my own self and told that these all weren’t supposed to ever happen. At all.

Just so you know, but do you?

Here Is For You Who Is Thinking To End Your Life

Dear you,

I understand that this life is tough, rough, and sheer. As well as I know that not everyone notice about it. Many times we lose our grip and go astern being a sophist who seems lose our way. Not a few times we have to let go things we love the most. Often we feel like we are far left behind compared to our surrounding. We think that we are the only one whose life is messed up. Our visions and dreams are scattered everywhere and it seems like it’s too hard to put those all back together. Every step we take seems like brings us nowhere. Our goal is getting farer that it seems impossible to reach it. It’s like there is no point of waking up every morning.

I know that you might be hard to see the light in the end of tunnel. It seems like you are blinded, all you can see is darkness. All you can hear is an uproar of annoying noise. And all you can do is just sitting in the back of your locked door, wondering if it’s better for you not to be born at all. You feel pointless, wasted, and unavailin. A fool for one’s pains.

I do see that at this very time, you are getting numb. You can’t feel your own feeling, you can’t touch your own heart, and you can’t see your own shadow. You really don’t have any idea of how to live like a normal being. Even breathing seems like a hard work for you. You don’t want to see a mirror because you just hate yourself so much that you can’t even see your own reflection.

And dear you,

I can surely understand that when you come to the very bottom of your life like this, you might leave of your own senses. You only want to be alone but you are also obsessed to get along with people. You want to laugh hard as much as you want to cry out loud. You want to love and to be loved but you also hate everybody so much, even your parents and your friends. You feel like being alienated. You think that the universe never get along with you. You feel alone in these crowded earth.

And at this very climax of your suffering heart, I understand that you start thinking you are a messed, ripped, and cluttered. Your self is broken in pieces but nobody can see it. You begin to wonder if you are getting crazy and abnormal. You are scared of ended up by having a mental illness and everyone will just leave you eventually. In fact, each of us somehow surely have a certain kind of psychological disorder. And it’s not just you.

And dear, I also know when you are walking through the high bridge, you might think to just jump. Or when you hand a knife while slicing a meat, you might think it’s better for you slicing your wrist instead. Or when you pour a disinfectant, the thought of drinking it up ever crosses your mind. You think, what’s the point of surviving now when you no longer have a reason to keep breathing.

I really understand it well.

But dear, I tell you something. A secret that you might never think before.

If you are thinking that your life is lost and your steps lead to nowhere, just being a wanderer. Many times, a wanderer will find their own special place that nobody knows it. If you are thinking that you don’t understand your own feeling, just talk to them. Sometimes, talking to your own self is the best way to getting know your own feeling.

And if you are thinking of how ripped you are, that’s what makes you a masterpiece. Your each piece is worth more than anything and that’s what makes you special.

Life is hard, I know. You feel like you can’t hang on because it’s too much loads on your back, I know. You think that no one can understand you, maybe you just need to communicate it. Don’t supress your burdens alone. People are there for you.

And if you think that quitting your life is a best solution; it ain’t.

Dear you,

If you are feeling too tired to continue your life, too exhausted to open your eyes, just take times to rest. Do whatever you like. If you want to sleep, go sleep. If you want to get wild and scream out loud, just do it. If you want to go somewhere expensive, just go. All you need to do is don’t quit. Don’t cut your life. Don’t finish it now. Because someone somewhere out there is hoping to have you in their life.

So, stay alive and stay breathing.