Stop Testing Him, Because Perhaps You Just Love the Idea of Loving Him

It’s been a while since you both knowing each other.

You still remember how you both first met. Each day, you are getting closer to him. It feels like he always opens himself to you. He told you lots about his day, how it was so hard for him through his job, how it was so fun his games went, what he would do for a month ahead. He even talks about the plan to go with you next time. That you don’t even sure what next time means for him. It could be tomorrow, next days, weekends, or even becomes never.

You can’t stop smiling each time you see his name pops up during your boring meeting-to-meeting days. Or in the middle of the conversation that you have with your friends. You can’t lie to yourself that, somehow, his name always successfully grabs your attention. Whatever it takes. Whatever it appears. Whenever it shows up. He indeed has a special spot in your mind.

Just his simply sweet talk, just his simple voice notes, just the way he anchors his face in your brain from night to night. You know he’s special for you. You know you both have an opportunity, or at least you wish.

But you know what, have you ever noticed that you might be in your own story along this time?

Have you ever asked yourself, what would happen if you never showed your interest to him first, would he be the one who showed it then? Have you ever been alert, does he ever know your favourite drinks and foods, or even has he ever wanted to know that? Have you ever been thought, when he talked excitedly about his plan in a month, has he ever asked about yours, or even has he ever showed his curiosity towards yours?

Oh dear, you don’t have to answer.

It’s sometimes hard to know whether people are truly falling in love or just falling into the idea of loving someone. It’s sometimes so blurred to see whether people need someone so hard as their personal self, or they just need anybody as a human being. It’s often not easy to recognize whether people are comfortable with their close relationship because they are mentally satisfied, or they have just been trying to satisfy their selves and convincing their own situation. Many time they are trapped in a grey and blurry area they didn’t even know their selves.

Oh dear, you don’t have to overthink about it.

When you always try to push yourself just to give him one more chance, one more test. Just so that you know whether he will invest in yourself in a balance amount or not. Or just so that you know, that song he sang and sent to you in the midnight was because he thought about you, and it wasn’t just because he was bored, or drunk. Or just so that you get a clearer vision that he really meant to meet you and it was because he was longing too.

Oh dear, you don’t have to continue testing him, checking him.

Even if he might be your favourite what ifs, or maybe he is your most-waited notification, or maybe his voice becomes your favourite caffeine, no he’s not. You deserve someone that could be more than just that. Your time worth for someone who could give you more than just a need to validate, to make sure, to grow up being insecure. No, you don’t.

Maybe it’s not him that you crave for, maybe it’s not him that you actually long for, maybe it’s just not him who deserves all of your attention, loves, and energies. Maybe.


It’s Time To Walk Away From Those Who Only Think You As An Option

You are not a paper test on the high school. Your life is not a multiple choices that people can only pick you as an option. You are not an object among items on the market alley. Your existence is not without a unique purpose that people can consider you just as the same with other.

You are obviously not a karaoke voucher given at the end of the year. You breathe for a reason that people can not use you only when they are convenient.

You are not a rest area along a distant highway. Your presence is not a pit stop that people can come and go without thinking to stay at all. You are not just a random number in the old cell phone. You might be available all the time but not for those who only think of you when they are lonely and alone.

You are definitely not a spare tire hanged on the back of a car. You can be everyone’s rescuer but it doesn’t mean you are only people’s back up, people’s plan B.

You are not a giggling doll sold in the Ebay. You might always want to entertain people but not for those who call you on the night when they are sober but then forgetting you on the next morning.

And seriously, you are not a customer service of the cable tv provider you subscribed. You can pick up anyone’s call any time but not for those who call you only when they have a bonus package.

Who do they think they are?

You know what, no one in this life wants to be considered only as an option. Each of one do want to be someone’s priority, or at least with the equivalent dose we prioritize them. We want to be wanted just as much as we want them. Equally because life should be balance. Even we know that life is about choosing an option, it doesn’t mean you can let people always treat you only as their option.

You deserve to be someone’s today’s special, just like how special a chef thinking and treating you as a good table, everyday.

You are worth more than being a daily topic list on your favorite website, you are worth as an editorial’s pick just as much as editorial team pick deliberately to serve you as the only one, everyday. You deserve to be someone’s signature dish that they put a huge effort just to get you and when they do, they will feel satisfied and enough.

Yes. Always being an option are tiring, exhausting, and irritating.

It is when you think you will be the first person who hears someone’s good news but then you only know it from other people, worse than that, someone’s social media. It is when you think you will be the only one who is invited for the special concert but then you know that someone decides to go with someone else. It is when you up all night and wait for someone’s call but after a week there was just nothing. And then when you try to accept the reality that you are only someone’s option, they just pop up in your life again without feeling guilty.

Seriously, who do they think they are?

For those who can only make a fool of your kindness and existence in their lives, show them that you are not.

Show them that you can survive without them. Show them that your life even brighter without they are living in it. That you are so much happier and it’s more than okay not to have them in your life. Because once they consider you only as an option, they will never take you as a priority.

And you have to show them that you worth as a priority. But if they still can’t see it, it’s the right time to walk away.


Dear Society, I’m Sorry I’m Not Fit In

I love being a social person.

I loved interacting with people, trying to talk with each one in the room, getting to know closer, or even being a kind person in the terms of social norms. Short word, I used to always try fitting my self into my environment. I just wanted to keep my self as sane as society by doing what they decide is right. Means, avoiding the cigars, the beer, even piercing itself. And what did I get?

They liked me because I fitted with their rules.

But as the time goes by and I grow up older. I started to see things differently, unexpectedly, especially about society and rules itself. But before we talk further, there is one thing I want to highlight here: Obeying the rules is a good thing. So yes, I grew up by being a good kid and I am proud of it.

I remember, people in my environment always said when I was little, we, children had no right to talk when the elders were discussing something. We had no right to express our ideas. Just because they thought we were still too young and they thought, perhaps, we did not know anything. So yes, I grew up by being a good kid and also a too-scared-to-express-self kid and I regret it.

Then the time flies, I go through the puberty, and become a young adult. And because I like writing, I often find my self having an explosion of ideas for every issues that I think matter. And because I live in a millennial generation, I expose it on my social medias. They liked me, they liked my posts. So I was thinking of yes, I finally have a right to speak up and express my self because I’m not a kid any more. And they liked me, again.

Until last year when my society was driven by the elite politics and became a bit cranky.

If you ever heard the blasphemy case in Indonesia, yes that one. That thing ruined every thing. It was elite politics’ hidden business that blinding society. The extremist and radicals moved because they thought they were right and this case was worth fighting for. It was right, somehow about the blasphemy thing. But then the society went insane even if the law in Indonesia has decided to process it fairly.

Up until this second, there are two poles in Indonesia that seemed like the same poles, never ending opposing each other. So, as I thought that I finally had a right to say my opinion, I posted something of course based on my thought about it. And the result from my environment was quiet shocking that time:

They opposed me, extremely.


They even named me with something rude call. Just because I am not fit with things that they think right, out of religion and belief things.

For someone who used to live peacefully as a good lovable and likeable kid, it feels like a huge kick for the first time. I never know that being a public enemy would be as easy as clicking ‘post’ on your social media then Boom! Congratulation, you are being hated by your society! Wow.

I was like… seriously? Just because I have a different idea with you then you could kick and call me in that rudely way? Again, it was such a huge kick for me. I shocked because of being alienated by my society. I needed times to let go and just accepted my self as an defendant on their perspective. Being shocked made me stopped chirruping about that matter and just focused on the other things (thank you NBA playoffs for keeping me sane!).

I can not avoid the fact that I was scared being hated too. No one likes having haters just because they are different. So, I also contemplate my self. Am I that wrong? Am I that bad? And other thousands ‘am I’ things that many times led me into a long overthinking night.

Long time passed, I did much more productive things rather than keeping up with that hidden politics business behind this blasphemy case. Then yesterday, I read an article saying that there was a teenager whose Facebook was claimed, sued, and blocked because she offered the idea about this blasphemy too. And I red her post because the matter went viral. I could say, her idea is way too great to be pointed as an offensive post. Her post was neutral, deep, and so objective. So, what is actually happening?

Yes, the society goes crazy and now I am really sure that it was not me.

That it was just them, it was just the society. This is the time when people will easily offense you just because you have a different idea and you have a sharp mind, and a bold heart to shout it out. This is the time when people claim that you are now their enemy just because you unfollow them or leave the group. Yes, this is the time when everyone thinks they are right and other is wrong.

Wow. Again. For that thing, I would like to say to you who read this.

We, human may not be able living in solitary life without society. But we, human, may not be able as well trying to always fit ourselves in our society. So, when you think that, God, I can not hang on any more, people is sick now, you are allowed to say:

Dear my society, I am sorry I am not fit in so I am quit.

And having a more peaceful life afterwards.