Self

What 2017 Has Taught Me

That many times you have to embrace yourself, step out from your comfort zone and be ready for the wind and thunder out there just so that you could explore your other sides. Because it is good to set rules and plans in your life, but you also have to be ready for each changes life gives you. Nothing is certain in this life, the certainty itself has a probability of becoming the uncertainty. So, don’t be afraid of leaving your warm and cozy blanket and go sailing.

 

That many times, you could be strong when being strong is the only option you have. You can’t rely yourself on others. Everybody has their own script and goals they want to achieve every day. It doesn’t mean no one would care about you, it is just–depending yourself too much on people will eventually leave you disappointed. Because you expect too much and expectations kill as you may know. So, believe yourself that you could go thru hard times, even alone.

 

That many times falling in love doesn’t always make you happy, farther when you don’t even sure that you are the only one who receives the butterflies he or she sends to you. It could be any others and it’s not fair if you are judging him or her for sending the butterflies to other as the unkind manner. It’s their right. So, everything is going back to you whether you want to keep their butterflies even you know falling for them will hurt you, or just moving on.

 

That many times you could not rush something just because you think you are running out of time. Time will never end unless you decide it ends. You perceive it ends. Rushing something will only leave you exhausted because you are competing with your own self. And everything prior to conflict with our own self is tiring. So, take a while, live at the moment, believe in the process, and the result of your painful efforts will come.

 

As well as many times you need to get yourself out of wondering what is coming next too much. It will lead you to the overthinking and it ain’t good for your mental hygiene. Shall you know something will be bad for you, it’s better to cut it off rather than continue doing it while you’re wondering what will happen if you stay? So, the decision in the very early stage of your steps is very crucial and important.   

 

And that many times the drama you face is not coming from outside, it’s within yourself instead. It could be you are the only one who starts creating your own drama. That maybe, either in work or relationship, it’s not the who drain you emotionally, it’s your own self. And knowing that drowning yourself in dramas will be tiring, so you have to stop it from your own self.

 

For the brighter, happier and more enchanting 2018.

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Stop Testing Him, Because Perhaps You Just Love the Idea of Loving Him

It’s been a while since you both knowing each other.

You still remember how you both first met. Each day, you are getting closer to him. It feels like he always opens himself to you. He told you lots about his day, how it was so hard for him through his job, how it was so fun his games went, what he would do for a month ahead. He even talks about the plan to go with you next time. That you don’t even sure what next time means for him. It could be tomorrow, next days, weekends, or even becomes never.

You can’t stop smiling each time you see his name pops up during your boring meeting-to-meeting days. Or in the middle of the conversation that you have with your friends. You can’t lie to yourself that, somehow, his name always successfully grabs your attention. Whatever it takes. Whatever it appears. Whenever it shows up. He indeed has a special spot in your mind.

Just his simply sweet talk, just his simple voice notes, just the way he anchors his face in your brain from night to night. You know he’s special for you. You know you both have an opportunity, or at least you wish.

But you know what, have you ever noticed that you might be in your own story along this time?

Have you ever asked yourself, what would happen if you never showed your interest to him first, would he be the one who showed it then? Have you ever been alert, does he ever know your favourite drinks and foods, or even has he ever wanted to know that? Have you ever been thought, when he talked excitedly about his plan in a month, has he ever asked about yours, or even has he ever showed his curiosity towards yours?

Oh dear, you don’t have to answer.

It’s sometimes hard to know whether people are truly falling in love or just falling into the idea of loving someone. It’s sometimes so blurred to see whether people need someone so hard as their personal self, or they just need anybody as a human being. It’s often not easy to recognize whether people are comfortable with their close relationship because they are mentally satisfied, or they have just been trying to satisfy their selves and convincing their own situation. Many time they are trapped in a grey and blurry area they didn’t even know their selves.

Oh dear, you don’t have to overthink about it.

When you always try to push yourself just to give him one more chance, one more test. Just so that you know whether he will invest in yourself in a balance amount or not. Or just so that you know, that song he sang and sent to you in the midnight was because he thought about you, and it wasn’t just because he was bored, or drunk. Or just so that you get a clearer vision that he really meant to meet you and it was because he was longing too.

Oh dear, you don’t have to continue testing him, checking him.

Even if he might be your favourite what ifs, or maybe he is your most-waited notification, or maybe his voice becomes your favourite caffeine, no he’s not. You deserve someone that could be more than just that. Your time worth for someone who could give you more than just a need to validate, to make sure, to grow up being insecure. No, you don’t.

Maybe it’s not him that you crave for, maybe it’s not him that you actually long for, maybe it’s just not him who deserves all of your attention, loves, and energies. Maybe.

On The Hardest Night, I Try Telling My Heart This

It has been a rough rocky road and I appreciate that you hold yourself just to survive.

I know many times you are in pain, sore, but you resist to admit that it did happen.

You keep beating as if there is no one try to wound you, even if it ain’t.

 

It has always been a tough time when you keep distributing the blood all over the body,

just to push this person so that she could keep breathing, like a normal one.

When in fact she always feels like she is in the narrow, compact room in which there is no space to gulp an oxygen.

And I really appreciate you could go thru.

 

It has been a heavy day when you keep telling the mind that everything is just a temporary.

That all the storm it faces now is only a while.

That it will still be a light at the end of the tunnel.

That perhaps, the pain you feel it is just an illusion and it sure could be vanished.

 

Therefore, I thank you for going through these.

 

 

 

It’s Time To Walk Away From Those Who Only Think You As An Option

You are not a paper test on the high school. Your life is not a multiple choices that people can only pick you as an option. You are not an object among items on the market alley. Your existence is not without a unique purpose that people can consider you just as the same with other.

You are obviously not a karaoke voucher given at the end of the year. You breathe for a reason that people can not use you only when they are convenient.

You are not a rest area along a distant highway. Your presence is not a pit stop that people can come and go without thinking to stay at all. You are not just a random number in the old cell phone. You might be available all the time but not for those who only think of you when they are lonely and alone.

You are definitely not a spare tire hanged on the back of a car. You can be everyone’s rescuer but it doesn’t mean you are only people’s back up, people’s plan B.

You are not a giggling doll sold in the Ebay. You might always want to entertain people but not for those who call you on the night when they are sober but then forgetting you on the next morning.

And seriously, you are not a customer service of the cable tv provider you subscribed. You can pick up anyone’s call any time but not for those who call you only when they have a bonus package.

Who do they think they are?

You know what, no one in this life wants to be considered only as an option. Each of one do want to be someone’s priority, or at least with the equivalent dose we prioritize them. We want to be wanted just as much as we want them. Equally because life should be balance. Even we know that life is about choosing an option, it doesn’t mean you can let people always treat you only as their option.

You deserve to be someone’s today’s special, just like how special a chef thinking and treating you as a good table, everyday.

You are worth more than being a daily topic list on your favorite website, you are worth as an editorial’s pick just as much as editorial team pick deliberately to serve you as the only one, everyday. You deserve to be someone’s signature dish that they put a huge effort just to get you and when they do, they will feel satisfied and enough.

Yes. Always being an option are tiring, exhausting, and irritating.

It is when you think you will be the first person who hears someone’s good news but then you only know it from other people, worse than that, someone’s social media. It is when you think you will be the only one who is invited for the special concert but then you know that someone decides to go with someone else. It is when you up all night and wait for someone’s call but after a week there was just nothing. And then when you try to accept the reality that you are only someone’s option, they just pop up in your life again without feeling guilty.

Seriously, who do they think they are?

For those who can only make a fool of your kindness and existence in their lives, show them that you are not.

Show them that you can survive without them. Show them that your life even brighter without they are living in it. That you are so much happier and it’s more than okay not to have them in your life. Because once they consider you only as an option, they will never take you as a priority.

And you have to show them that you worth as a priority. But if they still can’t see it, it’s the right time to walk away.

*

Here’s Why We Sink, Slowly and Undoubtedly

I still can remember the conversation I ever had.

 

We were at the fine dinner and it was his treat. We talked about many things and our conversation went dowdily till ours came into the serious point. It started with a simple question he asked to me: “What would you do after this?” Indeed, I had just taken a great decision at that time. No wonder, I found it hard to give the answer.

Yet then I said, “I crave for vacation by the way.” Then he told me without any hesitation, “Just go then.” And I whispered him with feeling so unsure, “There are lots of plans got wasted just because I didn’t think I should spend my saving just like… probably… 5 days or even 3 days trip?” I sighed and he threw a bliss, “I mean, I’d been saving it a whole year then it would just vanish in a less than a week?” my words continued.

Again, he smiled and put his glass, “This is what differ our folks with the other countries’.” My forehead wrinkled, “Value,” he shouted,

“We have no respect toward value.”

Such a harsh, I thought firstly, but I just stared at him, waiting for his further tenet.

“Our people tend to regard things way much than the value itself.

Like, let me ask you, what people in here usually do in the Holy Day, beside praying of course?” He pointed that retorical question. “They got a THR then they would spend it for buying new tees, new shoes, new books, anything that has a physical look. And very few of them who have an urge to spend it for something more profitable, more long-term period valuable, for instances going to Korean, French, Spanish, or language courses whatsover. Or like what you said, take a short getaway.”

There, I felt being offended.

“And when their children grow up, they will blame the richer for being rich, or the smarter for being smart, or the traveler for having a lot of time and penny to go abroad. They will assume that those are all just a result of corruption, collusion, or nepotism or anything related to the wealth of their families only. They don’t realize, it doesn’t always like that.”

“But some people literally did the corruption and things anyway,” I disputed.

“Like what I said, it ain’t always like that. Some might did it. But what about people who don’t? The thing is that how their perspectives built and planted. The way their families shape their paradigm.

They do not always chase the money, but they also put a higher value of the value itself.

Once they get more money, they tend to invest it for something that more long-term period profitable, such as going to courses rather than buying toys. Go seeing mountain across the land rather than buying new dvd player. Because what?

They put their selves as an asset, they invest money for their truest selves.

Sure, it doesn’t mean they don’t amuse their own selves. They do, yet it’s as a reward after achieving something that had been their near goals.”

Crap.

I hated him for being such a terribly right jerk. Probably, I didn’t think my self as an asset enough along these whole times. That’s what often makes me feel like the time flies fast, money runs wasted, and the self goes empty. Or he was right, I respect money way higher than the value of my self. How could he be so precisely right?

“But, it’s all back to you after all. Cause I can’t force you to spend the money you’ve been saving for several years just for like… what you said? For 5 days or even 3 days trip only?” he said it with a serious face,

“yet, it would be not better for you too, to spend the same amount just to buy… let’s say, 5 piece of clothes that perhaps no one would notice.”

There, I got kicked again.

Though here I am, still sitting down, observing my bank account’s amount, and has a very uncertain feeling: “Should I really go somewhere and let these money for it?”

Meanwhile, he may have gone to zillion new places.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7 Practical Ways To Heal The Pain That Too Much In Our Heart

Some leading digital medias are now shooting their onslaught campaigns against social hate speech and hoax posts. And I thought that even my posts couldn’t be implied in which categories, yet for some people it might seem too harsh or too negative. That’s why now I’d like to share what I, my friend, and of course you can do to heal or to overcome the pain and the falling of your own self esteem. To bring back your mood in a healthy threshold.

 

 

#1: Allow ourselves to feel the emotion

That’s the very first thing we need and obviously would do after experiencing bad moments in our lives. Either it’s a failure, betrayal, or heartache. What I’ve got from my experience was that don’t you try to war against it. It ain’t worth powder and shot. It will just go wasted if we force ourselves not to feel it. Just like Khalil Gibran said, “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.” The more we let ourselves admitting that we are on such a terrible pain, the more we will understand what thing could harm us. So that we could play safe and learn from it later on.

 

#2: Tell it to the right person

This is also important because we need to channel our feeling. We need to share our tragedy with someone whom we believe could enlighten everything. Not someone who make it worse instead. It could be our parents, our siblings, our (truly) best friends, even someone that probably ain’t in our inner circle, but he or she could comfort us with their wise words. From my experience itself, firstly I would just go seeking  supporting persons. Those who could respond us furiously like they also feel the same pain. Because it really helps us on finding a social support. But when everything has finally been calmer, I would just talk with person who could give an objective opinion, a wise one.

 

#3: Do whatever could make you happier

We tend to feel exhausted and run off energies after been moaning like that. Then when we come to this point, that’s a sign that we need to refuel ourselves. We could do anything that could lift up our spirit, let’s say by eating our favorite macha ice cream, singing our favorite songs, binge watching all our favorite movies or dramas, even taking a workouts. Anything, and while doing it, just don’t let ourselves thinking. Just do it.

 

#4: Fill in the jar with compliment papers

There sure would be a part of us blaming ourselves because of that bad tragedies happened to us. Probably we think: I should never let him come to my life, I should have just being rude if eventually people would just think I was, or whatsover. This would be corrosive if it happen over and over. This seriously could harm our self esteem because probably we will end up on thinking we’ll never be good enough for us or for people. That’s why, we need to try this technique.

So, it says that we could take an empty mason jar then we put a compliment on a paper every time ourselves do something good. For instance, I was trying to have a workouts again after been a while, then I jot it on paper: Dear body, thanks for trying to have a workouts again!

 

#5: Read motivational books or quotes

If we find ourselves still famished for something that could boost up our spirits, then try to hunt it outside. By reading something positive, such as easy bitsy novels, books, tweets of motivating people, even quotes. It truly will help!

 

#6: Block their ways for several times

If after been contemplating and seeking an advice from people yet we still found that they’re just too much and it was not us, of course, we’re allowed to cut the rope, for a temporary time or for… ever. No one could insult us in any way. We’re the one who live our lives. So, my friend told me, just like what William Traynor ever said to Louisa Clark: “Don’t let that one thing be the thing that defines you.

 

#7: Let your self forgive

Last, the hardest part. No religion approve the hatred. Forgiveness is something noble that we always have to pursue. In spite of our deep pain, furious anger, and unforgettable hatred, we eventually will have to let ourselves forgive. Remember, “The ability to forgive is the one man’s greatest achievements,” Bryant McGill said.

The Heartbreak Story of Someone That Letting You Go So Easily

“It’s okay if you want to just… go.”

Your were frozen and stoned in a point as he whispered that in your ears. His voice was so low, but you believed enough that his echoing heart were sure and steady on telling this to yours. You ran out of words. You seemed difficult to perceive and accept this reality. That someone who ever hard pulling and grasping the rope was just releasing strands easily. Just like that.

There’s no streaks of fear reflected on his beautiful eyes. You didn’t even have a time for some kind of negotiation. Or mediation that probably could bring you both together again. That perhaps you two could still walking in the same line. But it’s enough. In that very moment, you’re quite aware. Maybe he just wanted you in a very awful portion. Not enough to endure everything that went between you two. And it’s like a bonfire in the rainy season. The warmth just ignited in the beginning then turned into cold that made you shiver. Just like now. Just like this very second.

You could see a conviction burnt on his eyes when he told you that. As if you’re the item that could be found and bought everywhere. No meaning, no value. He just said thanks with his cold and tearing smile. Thanks for what? Thanks because he made you soar as well that pushed you to believe that he wanted you so hard at first and then just let you go wasted like this? Thanks for ever making you believed of all his tenderness and toxic words of sweetness?

You had no idea what kind of thanks he meant.

The one thing that you knew was that you shouldn’t trust anyone with a sweet-talk in this life. The words were not a chocolate that even bitter would still feel good on the tongue. The words were more like a knife that could pierce and harm us at any time. You just need to wait when the knife would slice your wrist or even stick in your chest.

And for you, that knife he held was just stabbing yours now. Your heart in pain, but you still have to push yourself walking.

You Have Always To Be A Hero In Your Own Stories

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Most all of us grew up watching beautiful and lovely Disney tales. Start from their popular story about Cinderella and her glass shoe, then Snowhite who eats poisonous apple and meets seven dwarfs who finally accompany her, up to Rapunzel who wishes to get out from the castle she’s been living in. And do you know one thing that almost always similar in every classic Disney stories? Yes. They are all suffering from losing their parents and their ending would almost always be covered with being rescued by a handsome prince riding his horses. I do love their very sweet stories and I do adore Walter Disney as an artist. However, as we grow up and become more mature, we realize that there will be certain things in our lives that actually far from Disney sweet classic story frame;

We can’t always just keep quiescent and wishing someone would come to rescue us. Just like Rapunzel that being saved by her prince.

Problems will always arise in our lives. Whether it’s about our families, friends, partners, jobs, or just a decision to make in the future. Unfortunately, many of those typically comes without knocking the door or sending a message to us first. We never knew what was we do and with whom we were at that moment. It can be when we’re studying abroad, away from our families, the we accidentally lose our valuable things like being theft. Or when we just lost our parents then our partners dumped us. Really, we will never know when it will be appear right in front of our eyes.

And when that moment comes, we can’t rely ourselves to anyone anymore. We can not expect someone to come and help us catching the thief when in fact we’re that alone. We also cannot force someone to beat our ex just because he throws us away. Even in our own shadow, we can’t depend ourselves. The only one who should and will complete this story is just yourself. If there’s any person who is with you, the end of story remains in your hands. How we take the decision in the end or the next step we will take. There will never be a white horse prince who will come and rescue us because in fact, the horse isn’t allowed to be ridden in a big way in some countries. So, it’s clear, whatever happen, how powerless we are, we still have to be our own hero in our own story.