Self Worth

A Story Of A Rough Journey That Eventually Led You Discovered Your Worth

It’s been months since the last time you seen his name on your screen, heard his voice before you sleep, held his hands along the way, or just laughed over his silly jokes all day long. But it’s also been months since you spent your nights crying over him, worrying about your own self, your own values, all your insecurities that he never understood and seen.


It was a very hard time, the morning aftermath when you realized that it’s not him you’re losing, it’s all your routines, your daily convos, your dependable and inseparable self toward him. You had to switch all your days’ rotation after the night you said goodbye to him.


You thought that your heart was not only broken, it’s bleeding, scattered, and you got no idea how could you put the pieces back again. Each morning, when you opened your eyes, it felt like you’re drowning, you couldn’t breathe, neither you could cry. You felt so overwhelmed that you couldn’t contain anything anymore. You were about to explode. Almost every morning.


Every day became a struggle for you. Just to wake up, take a bath, and have a normal function like you used to be. You forced yourself not to show your scars to people. You smiled, you laughed, you did everything as if your heart was okay. Yet still, on the night, when you came back home, closed the door, the emptiness suddenly attacked you. Again, you couldn’t breathe, neither you could cry.  Almost every night.


And the worst thing, you didn’t know why.


It’s like a tangled thread you couldn’t put apart. Everything looked ruined, you didn’t know where to start or where to end. You couldn’t see anything clearer, everything seemed like a darkness poured in the night skies. The difference was this ain’t beautiful. You knew you couldn’t swim yet you always let yourself being drowned by the same ocean. You know you could have been died because of it, yet you always let yourself being cut in the same spot.


Because you just didn’t know why.


You read lots of motivational quotes on Pinterest. You tried to learn about what was actually happening with you by watching zillion TED talks on Youtube. You stumbled yourself upon many psychology tips & articles. Until you noticed, you couldn’t overcome this alone. You needed someone, a professional one. So, one day you pushed yourself to go seeking a therapist. You did some sessions, yet, you still felt like you’re always drowning each day. You felt they just didn’t get your back, didn’t understand you. So, you came back to your own empty nest, let yourself bleeding again.


Until that day came, you didn’t remember exactly when it was.


The time when you suddenly awakened by the feeling ‘I couldn’t be always like this, I need to stop, because no one could save me but my self’. That time, you didn’t know where the energy and vibes came from, you started getting the sparks again. You knew you needed to change, in and out. Because whatever you did, reminiscing all the pains were not gonna change the past, and worrying all your thoughts was not gonna change the future either.


You got up, you picked your phone, you called your friends. You invited them to go with you. But this time was different. You both didn’t go to the mall to fill your emptiness by impulsively shopping, neither you go to the cafe to feed your hunger by binge-eating. Instead, you worn your sports shoes, you tied up the laces, you went to the studio. You both joined the class, ate up the sessions. Got sweat, moved angrily.


That time, the moment after your class finished, you didn’t know why you felt so healed. It’s like it could erase almost half of your sorrow and fill almost half of your hollow. It made you addicted to getting another session, another class. Not only that, you started taking care of your own meals, your body. You were all ears to everything that your emotion told you.


Days became weeks, weeks became months until unconsciously you never cry to sleep any longer. The sun shines brighter in each morning. The waves of the ocean that once always drowning you, are no longer exist. You can laugh, smile, and function again, but this time is literally ones. You pay more attention to love yourself before start loving anyone else again.


Because you learn, being alone is way better than being with someone who makes you lonelier than usual. You know you don’t have to rush things just because you scared of losing it. What’s yours, will be yours, however. You understand it’s better to lose people than to lose yourself just so that we can keep being together with those who don’t see your values.


That time, when you realize, it’s been months since his name popped up on your screen, his voice swung you to sleep, and his hands hold you tight, and you’re not bleeding anymore, instead, you can smile and thank him for giving you so many lessons…


… you are healed. Your worth is discovered.


You’re In Toxic Relationship When He Always Make You Doubt About Yourself

Month after month, through all the heartbreaks and all the rise & fall moments, you still couldn’t see why you always ended up with holding him, holding the possibilities that perhaps you set up in your own mind. You actually know that you should have gotten over it from many times before.


It was when he always keeps you lay awake at night, not because of the sweet talks and butterflies he creates to you, but because of all the questions over your head every time he hangs up his call. Or when he says that he misses you over and over again that then you start questioning whether he does it to the others. Or every time you both say goodbye and until then that after it you always wonder whether this would be the last time for you to see him.


Not few times you find yourself trapped in the overanalyzing world of yours. You observe every single thing, act, word, and even the feeling and reaction he creates to you. And often, you doubt yourself of whether you would still hold him or just let it go like literally go. Because, deep in your heart, you know you have no serious future with him that the possibility of end up by being in almost-relationship grows clearer.


But, here you are, still sitting on your bed, late at night, thinking  about him, again and again.


Why him? You question yourself too many times even you know you will always end up by seeking for facts that could support your self-fcking-bias. You deleted his number, unlinked all the social media connections with him, and even ignored him roughly. Just so that it would make everything easier, to forget him, to let him go. When you actually know that it ain’t cause each time you try to do it, the universe seems always bring him to you again.


All those little things that remind you of him, your both favourite place, the smell of perfume he used to spray over his body, your both favourite basketball team, even that stupid little popcorn you both used to pick in the cinema, or when you see his company’s name all over the ads. You know you still have a chance to make things work with him each time he asks you out or calls you just to hear your voice because he said he misses you, again, like so bad.


Almost all night long you find yourself crying because you miss him when he ghosts you and you don’t actually want this feeling. You want him but you know you should have gotten over him. Gotten overall this unclear relationship. Up until you remember;


When he let you waited for him almost more than an hour because he still played on the hall, or when he kept you confused about how he said he would call you late at night but he didn’t, or when he said he would come to approach your place but he didn’t show up at all, and when he let you go home alone in the super late at night by saying please text me when you get home rather than taking you home;


You notice, you can’t force someone to love you when he actually doesn’t.


It’s now like a crystal clear, you see that he’s never really that serious with you. That, it’s not healthy for your mental hygiene because many times all he does is just making you wondering whether you are enough for him. That, it’s better to let someone go when you often feel less and empty even when you’re with them. And that, maybe, again, he doesn’t belong to you, this relationship doesn’t belong to you. Cause at this time, you know that you always wonder your worth and if someone really loves you, they’re supposed not to make you feel this way.


A healthy relationship is when you both can support each other rather than doubting your precious self and talent, when he doesn’t often tell ‘I miss you’ cause you both have a fixed time and schedule to meet each other, when he doesn’t let you wait too long because he knows nobody likes waiting, and when he doesn’t let you doubt about your self-worth because he just loves you too much that you don’t have a time to even wonder about it.


2017 almost ends, you know you better to end something because keeping it will just destruct and drown yourself, slowly but killing…

You’re In Toxic Relationship When He Always Make You Doubt About Yourself

To All Women, Here Is Why You Must Keep Your Career On Track After Getting Married

Nothing is more blissful than being a wife of someone who love you so much.

Someone who might give you tons of promises to always be together since he gives you a ring. That sacred ring where all your waiting ends. And you believe him because this was one of your ultimate goals; to get married and build a family. When you finally say yes, everything in your world turns a little different. Getting money and a job promotion are no longer on your first list. Showing off your hectic life in your office story is no more interesting for you.

That’s why you don’t feel anything when you have to give the resignation letter to your boss. Even if your boss ensures you with the question, “You are on the top of your career, are you sure to do this?” You nod without any hesitation. So what? Because you have a real life now. The life you have been dreaming of; being his Mrs.

The comeback from your sweet honeymoon might still feels a dreamlike. Waking up beside him and still sometimes can’t believe yourself that you are now his. Watching and cuddling with him beneath the warm and cozy blanket. And then voluntarily move to prepare for his breakfast before he works. And still, it feels like a dream comes true. Posting all your breakfast and daily newlywed’s activities almost everyday because you want to share the happiness you have with him. Your one and only husband. You want the world know.

You don’t mind even if you spend your entire 20s life to chase that degree which only ends up in this kitchen. You have no objection to agree with what he ask that it’s better for you to fully stay at home. All day long. Cleaning the house, sometimes doing grocery shopping, learning new skills of how to be a great wife on the kitchen and bed, and sometimes just flicking to the television on the couch.

You are happy and there’s no need to wonder.

And then you are now having his baby in your tummy. The little him. You will soon to be a mother and he looks more than wonderful to know it. He takes care of you very much because he just anxious if something happen with the baby. Until your due date comes and he accompanies your labor. And then it’s a perfect package of complete happiness; A little family. What a sweet story everyone dreams of.

But you know what, it’s not because I am being a sarcastic or pessimist that I have to tell you the bitter part. The other story you might never watched before because perhaps you’ve been living in a very peaceful bunch of families and neighborhood along this time. The truth is that;

I have been witnessing many women in my life suffering after the passing of their husband.

Not only because of the death tear them apart, but also because of divorce. Some might end up with the grief they try to cope, some struggle so hard to strike a blow for their certainty of legal issues, some fight to win back their own property things, and some just try to keep breathing like a normal when they definitely can’t.

This somehow reminds me of what my mom ever said, “Never cease your career life even if you have a rich husband and he promises to vouched for your entire life.” And when I asked why, she didn’t answer. But now I got it.

Surviving your career life after getting married isn’t only about keeping the money flows, but also maintaining your networking.

I know, you can still have a certain kind of society without being an employee. But this case, I talk about the opportunity and doors that might open for you. With or without your husband meddled with. It’s okay to cut down your very busy schedule by re-negotiating your position with your boss if it’s possible. Rather than giving it up at all. It’s okay not to give your time as much as when you were still single. Because you have to take care your household life.

But again, if you’re now a career woman and getting married with someone, I think you need to reconsider if you want to change from a full time employee into a full time wife.

Let’s just talk the sorest part we never want to face. If someday, something happen with your marriage, and your husband leaves you in a situation in which you are a full time wife, either forever or for other woman, and he doesn’t leave any penny for you, what will happen with you and perhaps your children? Are you going to give up being a mother for them?

I’m sure you won’t unless you still have a Cinderella’s mother lineage.

The main benefit if you keep your career on track after married is surely in your financial life. You might have to handle your husband’s money, but you have your own. You can either use it to support him or just spend it for your fun. The other advantage is on your self-esteem, how you value yourself as not only a wife but also a woman separated from your married life. Yourself still have a high price even if you’re no longer single. Out of the Mrs. title in front of your name, you have your intellectual badass mind, a sexy brain, and a youthful skills of work, and of course piles of professional experiences that many companies willing to buy.

Means, if the bitter scenario of your marriage runs, you still can be alive with a normal breathing. You might struggle as a single parent, but not as hard as those who decided to cut off their career. You might face a rocky way to maintain your household needs, but not as hard as those who doesn’t even have anything to sale.

So, all the Mrs. soon to be, being a career woman doesn’t mean you are an alpha independent who doesn’t know where your root as a wife, but it shows that you always have a backup plan. Because nothing is sure in this life. You need to be ready for every kind of change.