Month after month, through all the heartbreaks and all the rise & fall moments, you still couldn’t see why you always ended up with holding him, holding the possibilities that perhaps you set up in your own mind. You actually know that you should have gotten over it from many times before.
It was when he always keeps you lay awake at night, not because of the sweet talks and butterflies he creates to you, but because of all the questions over your head every time he hangs up his call. Or when he says that he misses you over and over again that then you start questioning whether he does it to the others. Or every time you both say goodbye and until then that after it you always wonder whether this would be the last time for you to see him.
Not few times you find yourself trapped in the overanalyzing world of yours. You observe every single thing, act, word, and even the feeling and reaction he creates to you. And often, you doubt yourself of whether you would still hold him or just let it go like literally go. Because, deep in your heart, you know you have no serious future with him that the possibility of end up by being in almost-relationship grows clearer.
But, here you are, still sitting on your bed, late at night, thinking about him, again and again.
Why him? You question yourself too many times even you know you will always end up by seeking for facts that could support your self-fcking-bias. You deleted his number, unlinked all the social media connections with him, and even ignored him roughly. Just so that it would make everything easier, to forget him, to let him go. When you actually know that it ain’t cause each time you try to do it, the universe seems always bring him to you again.
All those little things that remind you of him, your both favourite place, the smell of perfume he used to spray over his body, your both favourite basketball team, even that stupid little popcorn you both used to pick in the cinema, or when you see his company’s name all over the ads. You know you still have a chance to make things work with him each time he asks you out or calls you just to hear your voice because he said he misses you, again, like so bad.
Almost all night long you find yourself crying because you miss him when he ghosts you and you don’t actually want this feeling. You want him but you know you should have gotten over him. Gotten overall this unclear relationship. Up until you remember;
When he let you waited for him almost more than an hour because he still played on the hall, or when he kept you confused about how he said he would call you late at night but he didn’t, or when he said he would come to approach your place but he didn’t show up at all, and when he let you go home alone in the super late at night by saying please text me when you get home rather than taking you home;
You notice, you can’t force someone to love you when he actually doesn’t.
It’s now like a crystal clear, you see that he’s never really that serious with you. That, it’s not healthy for your mental hygiene because many times all he does is just making you wondering whether you are enough for him. That, it’s better to let someone go when you often feel less and empty even when you’re with them. And that, maybe, again, he doesn’t belong to you, this relationship doesn’t belong to you. Cause at this time, you know that you always wonder your worth and if someone really loves you, they’re supposed not to make you feel this way.
A healthy relationship is when you both can support each other rather than doubting your precious self and talent, when he doesn’t often tell ‘I miss you’ cause you both have a fixed time and schedule to meet each other, when he doesn’t let you wait too long because he knows nobody likes waiting, and when he doesn’t let you doubt about your self-worth because he just loves you too much that you don’t have a time to even wonder about it.
2017 almost ends, you know you better to end something because keeping it will just destruct and drown yourself, slowly but killing…
You’re In Toxic Relationship When He Always Make You Doubt About Yourself