Self Discovery

It’s Time To Walk Away From Those Who Only Think You As An Option

You are not a paper test on the high school. Your life is not a multiple choices that people can only pick you as an option. You are not an object among items on the market alley. Your existence is not without a unique purpose that people can consider you just as the same with other.

You are obviously not a karaoke voucher given at the end of the year. You breathe for a reason that people can not use you only when they are convenient.

You are not a rest area along a distant highway. Your presence is not a pit stop that people can come and go without thinking to stay at all. You are not just a random number in the old cell phone. You might be available all the time but not for those who only think of you when they are lonely and alone.

You are definitely not a spare tire hanged on the back of a car. You can be everyone’s rescuer but it doesn’t mean you are only people’s back up, people’s plan B.

You are not a giggling doll sold in the Ebay. You might always want to entertain people but not for those who call you on the night when they are sober but then forgetting you on the next morning.

And seriously, you are not a customer service of the cable tv provider you subscribed. You can pick up anyone’s call any time but not for those who call you only when they have a bonus package.

Who do they think they are?

You know what, no one in this life wants to be considered only as an option. Each of one do want to be someone’s priority, or at least with the equivalent dose we prioritize them. We want to be wanted just as much as we want them. Equally because life should be balance. Even we know that life is about choosing an option, it doesn’t mean you can let people always treat you only as their option.

You deserve to be someone’s today’s special, just like how special a chef thinking and treating you as a good table, everyday.

You are worth more than being a daily topic list on your favorite website, you are worth as an editorial’s pick just as much as editorial team pick deliberately to serve you as the only one, everyday. You deserve to be someone’s signature dish that they put a huge effort just to get you and when they do, they will feel satisfied and enough.

Yes. Always being an option are tiring, exhausting, and irritating.

It is when you think you will be the first person who hears someone’s good news but then you only know it from other people, worse than that, someone’s social media. It is when you think you will be the only one who is invited for the special concert but then you know that someone decides to go with someone else. It is when you up all night and wait for someone’s call but after a week there was just nothing. And then when you try to accept the reality that you are only someone’s option, they just pop up in your life again without feeling guilty.

Seriously, who do they think they are?

For those who can only make a fool of your kindness and existence in their lives, show them that you are not.

Show them that you can survive without them. Show them that your life even brighter without they are living in it. That you are so much happier and it’s more than okay not to have them in your life. Because once they consider you only as an option, they will never take you as a priority.

And you have to show them that you worth as a priority. But if they still can’t see it, it’s the right time to walk away.

*

For Those Who Keep Asking: “Do You Feel Lost Because of Getting Out Your Real Root?”

I thought it was only a friend, but then came another persons asking that same question:

“How do you feel doing these things that so out of your real root? How do your family feel about you in this case?”

You know what, it seems that my life has been always unexpectedly out of script. In every way.

 

 

I never wished to be a writer.

I hated reading. So much. My mom had to push me hard just so that I wanted to open a page. I preferred watching Sailor Moon, Cardcaptor Sakura, Goosebumps, or Minky Momo as eating a french fries than enjoying my big brother’s comics. Spending money for books never crossed my mind. It was my big brother that had a huge intention on books. He was a book-arse. He knew Albert Einstein, Abraham Lincoln, Walt Disney, Wrights Brother better than anything in his age. Even he also versed Detective Conan well. My mom always rubbed me in how good we will be if we start falling in love with books and begin to read. But then nothing was changed. I was still a person who hated reading.

 

I wanted to be a skillful and famous guitarist.

My Chemical Romance and some local bands inspired me a lot. I used to argue and had a fight with my mom because I shamed into attending some band concerts when I was a teenager. And perhaps also because I had a relationship with some band folks. I started being a rebel. Like a real rebel. Going home late, trying to do this and that which were too early for a teenage girl. But then I still believed that becoming a band personnel would be the coolest thing in my life.

 

I wished I could be an astronaut. I don’t know why.

Probably after watching Armageddon, The Day After Tomorrow, and that so happening 2012 movie. I obsessed with the universe, the moon, the stars, the galaxies, and everything related to the space. I was always curious about how the lunar eclipse happens, how much time people need to get into the moon, how it is like living in the other planet roaming on the space craft, where I could find the Aurora Borealis and how it can happen. That time, my mom supported me. She’s actually always. But then, willingness I had was not enough. I was too dumb to understand physics and mathematics. Most of all, I hate numbers.

 

Then after my mom gone, it seemed that I was out of control, lost of direction. I didn’t know what I would to be. A musician? An astronaut?

 

I ended up being a sophist, someone who lost the vision.

I tried many tests from various universities with different majors, like architecture, interior design, oceanography, even the fact that I hate numbers, I also endured my self doing a physics test. I passed almost all those exams but I stupidly didn’t take anyone of it. Because I was a sophist. I didn’t know who I wanted to be and where I should go and what I wanted to do.

 

A year after that, I even took psychology major and found my self wanted to be a forensic psychologist. So randomly.

That time, there’s no extrinsic drives moved me. It was really me who wanted to be like that. That time, also there’s no thing dragged my feet. That time, there’s a lot of achievements and compliments along the study I got. I did best, I accomplished great, almost too outstanding. That perhaps, people think it’s too good to be true so that there’s no one really settled for me to work with. Somehow, I could only be a forensic psychologist after taking a post graduate study whose program isn’t available on scholarship yet. That means, it was not only about the skill and knowledge you need, but also the chance and of course money.

 

And here I am now, I don’t have any dream. I don’t wish to be any body. I don’t impose my self for achieving something. I don’t blame anyone, not even my self for not becoming who I wanted to be, for not having what I wanted to have.

I am just me living in the present moment.

Sitting down in front of laptop, making pennies from zillions words I produce everyday, thinking the way of what people say as ‘a writer’ while I keep wondering whether my self is enough to be called as a real writer.

 

So, for you who ask about my feeling or my family’s feeling of me taking a decision to spend the life out of my real root like these days and thought that I must be lost…

My life has been like that long before today, dear. There’s no such difference between having a well-scripted future plan than living in the presents. Not because I am not being someone who I supposed to be then my life stopped. Not because I don’t do and have thing people do and have then I can’t be happy, then I can’t make my family happy.

The thing is that, as long as I keep doing the best, making money, and hoping nothing, everything will be good I guess. And no one is lost as long as they know which steps they should take even if they don’t have any destination yet.

At least, it will not be as painful as you had a well-planned life but got it crushed on the way, right? So, just live today and keep it going, dear. All is good.

**