Stop Testing Him, Because Perhaps You Just Love the Idea of Loving Him

It’s been a while since you both knowing each other.

You still remember how you both first met. Each day, you are getting closer to him. It feels like he always opens himself to you. He told you lots about his day, how it was so hard for him through his job, how it was so fun his games went, what he would do for a month ahead. He even talks about the plan to go with you next time. That you don’t even sure what next time means for him. It could be tomorrow, next days, weekends, or even becomes never.

You can’t stop smiling each time you see his name pops up during your boring meeting-to-meeting days. Or in the middle of the conversation that you have with your friends. You can’t lie to yourself that, somehow, his name always successfully grabs your attention. Whatever it takes. Whatever it appears. Whenever it shows up. He indeed has a special spot in your mind.

Just his simply sweet talk, just his simple voice notes, just the way he anchors his face in your brain from night to night. You know he’s special for you. You know you both have an opportunity, or at least you wish.

But you know what, have you ever noticed that you might be in your own story along this time?

Have you ever asked yourself, what would happen if you never showed your interest to him first, would he be the one who showed it then? Have you ever been alert, does he ever know your favourite drinks and foods, or even has he ever wanted to know that? Have you ever been thought, when he talked excitedly about his plan in a month, has he ever asked about yours, or even has he ever showed his curiosity towards yours?

Oh dear, you don’t have to answer.

It’s sometimes hard to know whether people are truly falling in love or just falling into the idea of loving someone. It’s sometimes so blurred to see whether people need someone so hard as their personal self, or they just need anybody as a human being. It’s often not easy to recognize whether people are comfortable with their close relationship because they are mentally satisfied, or they have just been trying to satisfy their selves and convincing their own situation. Many time they are trapped in a grey and blurry area they didn’t even know their selves.

Oh dear, you don’t have to overthink about it.

When you always try to push yourself just to give him one more chance, one more test. Just so that you know whether he will invest in yourself in a balance amount or not. Or just so that you know, that song he sang and sent to you in the midnight was because he thought about you, and it wasn’t just because he was bored, or drunk. Or just so that you get a clearer vision that he really meant to meet you and it was because he was longing too.

Oh dear, you don’t have to continue testing him, checking him.

Even if he might be your favourite what ifs, or maybe he is your most-waited notification, or maybe his voice becomes your favourite caffeine, no he’s not. You deserve someone that could be more than just that. Your time worth for someone who could give you more than just a need to validate, to make sure, to grow up being insecure. No, you don’t.

Maybe it’s not him that you crave for, maybe it’s not him that you actually long for, maybe it’s just not him who deserves all of your attention, loves, and energies. Maybe.


​When You Were Only A Snack For Their Starving Ego

You finally noticed, it wasn’t you, it’s them.

You thought, there’s perhaps something wrong with yourself because they never showed their curiosity toward you. They never seemed eager to dig something deeper about you. They didn’t look interested to swim into your life. Even only for casual purposes, they just didn’t.
You thought, this was perhaps just a part of the long way steps. The beginning phase that you needed to understand. The part wherein you had to hold up yourself for revealing anything about you, one by one, just like peeling an onion. Because you assumed, maybe they wanted to know.
You thought, oh probably you needed to re-polish your life so that it could attract them just a little bit more. Cause you didn’t think they were totally uninterested with you. Cause you didn’t see they didn’t want you in their lives. 
They always tried to drag you back everytime you started going away. They always tried to knot their rope every second you decided to cut it off. They always tried to pull you closer that made you thought, oh you guessed you just needed to give them a second chance. And everything might be better. But it wasn’t, they didn’t.
It was not you, it was them.

When they only talked about how they ran their lives in a day-to-day basis without even asking how yours was. When they were busy telling you about what their favorite songs were, or which café they tended to choose, or how their weekend was without even asking you back. Without even giving you seconds to tell yours.
That when you gone missing, because you were just tired of always listening their long fairytale of their own world. Or because you felt like there was no point of keeping this relationship. Or because you wanted to stop caring them; They just came close to you by asking, “Where have you been?” like you were so precious.
And when your stupid foolish mind whispered, yeah just one more chance, and you gave it. By hoping they would change. By wishing they would never be absorbed in their own world again. But they didn’t. And you knew that time, that’s why they wanted you back. Because they only needed a validation of their own existence. They only wanted them to be known, to feel being liked, and to let people entered their “I AM” world.
They just needed you to feed their hunger ego of starving the popularity, the “showcase here my world” program. They would never care about you even if they seemed. Because their only goal was just to make everything focuses only to them. Only about them. And that’s it.
You’re not a snack on the market that they could only pick in the hunger and then leave it on the dustbin. No, you’re not. You deserve even better.

What It’s Like To Regret For Ever Meeting You

Just so you know how many times I deleted your number and told myself that I would never want to talk with you again.

Just so you know how much I kept myself busy just so that there would be no space in my mind to even think about you.

Just so you know how hard I struggled to overcome the urge every time you said you want to meet me.

Just so you know that I held my heart so hard until I felt numb every second I thought that we were meant for each other.

Just so you know how much I killed the night by over analyzing your latest message for me that time.

Just so you know how tough efforts I put just to look happily normal so that you might not know the battle I faced everyday.

Just so you know how many times I tried so hard not give any response once you appeared again after been a while.

Just so you know how sore my chest once I saw something that reminds me of you, reminds me of us.

Just so you know that I tried to comprehend so well about every beginning must have an ending so that the pain would vanish slowly.

Just so you know how much I talked to my own mind about you as only one of the words that I should have just skipped in my chapter.

Just so you know how strong the remorse I felt as much as the yearning of the daily talk we used to have.

Just so you know how much you have succeed to convince myself for starting to love and to be loved again.

Just so you know how pain this heart when I woke up hoping your text would popped up and welcoming my fuzzy morning.

Just so you know that when you decided to stop everything between us, I started doubting my self again;
Of my worthiness, of my value, of my existence, and of love that I tried so hard to believe again.

Just so you know that when you chose to eventually walk away, I wanted to slap my own self and told that these all weren’t supposed to ever happen. At all.

Just so you know, but do you?

The Days I Fight So Hard, If Only You Knew

Who doesn’t like the euphoria of falling with someone?
The morning when you wake up with the reason to smile. The night you spend with overnight call until you feel your eyes are glued but you don’t want to give up the call. The day when he or she finally asks you when you both are going to meet. The second when you see him or her and you want to freeze the moment at least for longer times.
In fact, everybody addicts to the chemical reaction in their gut when they are falling in love. The very first starting point of relationship that is a whole better than a bar of chocolate. It excites you, it boosts you, and even it drives you crazy. The mechanism that is  stronger than a doping pil. It energizes you too.
We love the idea of having someone to crush with. And even it crushes our heart too because the name itself is crush. 
It crushes your heart when you see their name popping up on your screen. It crushes your heart when you hear their electrical voices. It crushes your heart just by a simple question from them asking how your day was. It crushes your heart when they say a little thing that reminding them of you. It even crushes your heart by coincidentally listening to a song that you both like it somewhere. 
It feels like there is a butterfly in your belly tickling you but you like that sensation. Moreover, you addict on it. The addiction that sometimes crushes your heart more in pieces.
It crushes you more when they don’t text you unreasonably. It crushes you more when there is no call at all during a week. It crushes you more when you play over the memory you have with them recently and kind of starving for it. It crushes you more simply by overanalyzing if you are good enough to keep their attention to you. And it crushes you more just by hoping their hello at the end of your bad day.
We seem are a pseudomasochist because we let our heart in pain just because we love crushing with them. And even we have tough days to fight for.
It is the day when you have a tremendous battle between your feeling toward them and the fact that you have already know. It is the day when you have to fight the urge of texting them first while they are ghosting you. It is the day when you are slapped by your own mind because you know you can’t hope anything from your undefined and almost relationship. It is the day when you struggle so hard to fight the thought that if they meant to call you, they would. It is the day when you miss them so freakingly hard but you restrain yourself not to tell them. Because ego is a hell of drug. And it is the day when you wait them to schedule your meetup without any sudden cancellation.
It is tough, darling. The days that we fight so hard for any feeling attached toward them. And it crushes us more for hoping they would know. If only.

Are Some People Meant To Be Born As A Player?

First, let’s just set the common perception about a player.

We refer a player in here as a person who likes to play a mind and psychological game in order to attract people in their surrounding, especially their opposite sex. With or without relationship attached, with or without an obvious reason.

I’m sure that you might ever meet or even have a relationship with these kind of people, a player in your life. It perhaps you just didn’t know that they were or you did but you kept things going because you just curious of how things would go. Maybe, by thinking that they would change for you.

While unfortunately, they didn’t. At all.

It’s hard not to admit that a player often has a certain irresistable charm for us.

They often look somehow attractive, good looking, talkative, nice, even popular in their own way. It’s just inevitable that we somehow eventually tricked on their sex appeal. It could be the way they socialize, the way they think about some matters, or maybe it’s just the charm of their physical appearance.

The problem comes when we are getting to know closer with them, we realize that they just try to attract us so that we could join the ‘fanbase’ they have been making along this time. We might notice this from their social medias. If you are a guy, you notice that there are tons of ‘oh girl you look so beautiful, when are we gonna meet?’ comments on her every posting that end up being unreplied. If you are a girl, you see it from how much he spreads the love buttons along with leaving the ‘hey girl you look cute as always’ comment in many of ladies’ postings. Crap.

It’s actually easy to know if someone is player.

As a human, either you are a guy or girl, we have an instinct, a gut feeling that tells us something implicitly, including this case. But at worst, even if we know that perhaps it’s not only us getting hurt by them, we still feel that hurt. Knowing that the attention they gave to us was actually not too special. They sell it to everyone.

So, the question comes after that is whether some people meant to be born as a player?

M. Farouk Radwan tells that there are certain reasons people end up by being a player and I could highlight that it is all about the insecurity.

A player who often stands up as a confident (sometimes over confident) person is actually not that confident. They even are still trying to reassure their selves by getting a validation from the other. Yes, it’s like they are needing a prove from outward so bad. Because they still couldn’t discover their very own selves, they need an approval from others. They hunger for their ‘oh you are so attractive and good looking that I can’t even resist’ just to make sure that they are. They thirst of ‘I miss you and I want to be on your side’ just to know that their presence are needed.

Many of players are actually craving for the feeling of being wanted and desired.

No wonder, if you are currently making a relationship with someone like this, you are often trapped being ghosted. Five days in a row he or she was so clingy and showering you with their attention, and the next two weeks he or she would just disappeared from your orbit. No text, no call, nothing but they kept updating their social lives online. The strongest reason is that they want you to want them. They want you to prioritize them by showing that you are not always their priority. Ouch.

So, what shall we do if we fall for these kind of people?

Stop feeding them a validation they always seek from us.

I know that we love to play a game since we were child. But it’s a big no no for these kind of mind and psychological games. We will be wounded, especially our self-esteem and our self-regard. Because, once we are surviving them, letting our own selves tricked in their games, we will often fall in a feeling of insecure. We will doubting ourselves many times because of feeling not enough for them. Especially when they start to spread their hook and play as a ghost. We will slowly lose our value and self-love by feeling not worthy for them.

It might be hard at the first because as I said before, they somehow have a very strong magnetic charm that we often can’t resist. But, how many times will we let them playing our psychological feeling? How many chance will we give for them to threat our mental health?

All I could say, let the player play while we love the lover. Shake it off!

Dear All Women, Regardless Your Messy Self, You Still Are So Much Worth

For you who silently cry in the bathroom every night, try to hide your tears, just because he says that you are not good in your dress or any other clothes you pick to wear.

For you who always stare at the mirror and doubt yourself, just because he never tells how beautiful you are and keeps criticizing your look instead.

For you who always try so hard by wearing a mask, a thick one, just so you can be able to please him by being someone else he idealizes the most, and he keeps comparing you to her.

For you who often hold back the pain and calm your emotion down, every time he only focuses to talk about himself without even try to ask your opinion.

For you whose self-esteem is actually wounded, just because he always highlights himself and his life as the most important and best one, and he thinks that yours is not.

For you who actually feel tired of never expressing yourself, just because he never gives you any chance of that, he does not even think you deserve one.

For you who sob yourself out every night on the edge of your bed, every time he does not give you any call, any text, but keep updating himself over his social media, partying with other girls.

For you who never miss any second on the rack of your insecurities, wondering if you are enough for him, just because he seems always feel does not quite satisfied about your both relationship.

For you who start thinking that you might already lose yourself value, just because again, he always overruns you with his wiseacre advice as if he knows everything better than you.

And girls, for you who is desperately notice that you have reached your limit but you still stuck on him, just because you think there will be no one else wanting you as he does, in fact he never does.

You are so much worth for every own and way.

You are a significant one that no one can judge you just based on the price of your shoes, or the color of your skin that he might think does not fit with your dress.

You are a pulchritudinous without needing any validation from other that even he tells that you do not have any curves, or your curves ain’t really good, just goddamn throw those words away.

You are an authentic pure human being live on this earth, that even Adam Levine marries Behati Prinslo, you do not really need to push yourself trying to copy her.

You are a harmoniously chic river flow on the mountain, that you deserve to keep your mental hygiene fine and well without anyone else trying to contaminate you, not even him.

You and your life are a precious one which resulted from the selection of thousands or even million sperms, that God only choose you to have a gasp in this life.

You are a super massive blast which sparkles spread over the beautiful night skies, that no one can hold you to show up your shining light, not even him.

You and the time that you have are having a great value that does not deserve to be wasted just for waiting his enunciation because he is not the daily newspaper you subscribed.

You are born with a meaningful purpose in your own life, that is not always about him because you are not satisfactory machine for him, you have your own mission.

You are a genuine, strong, and independent woman that has already chosen your value, that no one can hold your step back and take a granted for everything you are.

And dear beautiful creature with a full bless who read this now, you are worth more than a guy who only can drag and let your wings down, let him go.

Because dear, there is no point of keeping someone who can not give you a guarantee of being your own self. There is no point of surviving a relationship that can not make us love and see our own selves.

You do not really need someone who can not help you meet and madly in love with yourself instead of pretending to be anyone else.

In which, it will only grow the insecurity and doubt within you fertile and it definitely kill your own precious inner goddess.

Let him go because you are so worth in every own and way.

Release yourself from him, break the cage that he or perhaps you have made, and please do not ever scared of waving goodbye without expecting to meet again, just fckin let him go.

Because once you can free up yourself from all of these poisonous corrosive prison, you will realize that even if you have tons of flaws, you are still beautiful in your own way.

And all you need is just someone who can respect it properly.

I Don’t Lose You

I don’t lose you;

When you’re not even mine,

When we’re not even knowing each other,

When we’re just totally stranger,


When you’re not even see us as us.


I don’t lose you;


When our hands never entangled,

When you walk out often,

When I can only see me and you see you,


When the stars above always separate us.


I don’t lose you;


When I just don’t want to let you go,

When I can’t stop doubting;

Would you take my hand?

Cause I just don’t lose you.

I don’t want to.

Are You Sure You Have Known Enough About Care?

Let’s talk about care.

What is actually care means in your opinion? Is it when you want to know a lot about someone? Oh no, perhaps it is just a curiosity. Is it when you try to warn off someone just because you don’t want to see them hurt? I don’t know, probably it is just a possessive act. Or is it when you still make a same effort even if they look a little annoyed by it? Well, probably it is just you who put the screws on it.

Just like love, admire, affection, and even hatred, care is something that very abstract to be defined and measured.

You can’t say someone cares just because they talk a lot with others, they ask a lot about others, they comment so much in other’s posts, or just because they state it by themselves (“I do this because I care a lot about you!” #meh)

Nor, you can’t say someone doesn’t really care just because they seldom ask about you, they don’t really look like they have an attention toward you, or maybe just because they look like they don’t want to know about your life any more.

Care can’t only be defined with that physical indicators even if someone probably tries to show it in that way. So, is it wrong for us to try showing our care and attention obviously to the others?

The answer will always be the same: It depends.

Personally, I say that I will always respect and moved by the act of someone’s care to me. Like, when I was in my toughest day then he/she came and asked me, “Are you okay?” or even they didn’t say anything but bringing me my favorite meal or ice cream instead. Or when they warned me off because they knew that I would have some hard times if I took a decision that they thought it could be wrong. I mean, who doesn’t like to be cared?

But again, when we care about someone, it doesn’t mean we can do anything to them just to show it. Care is not something that limited only to certain acts.

When we care about someone, it’s better for us to consider how to show it too.

If we do it in that way, would it make them feel better or even worse? Would it make them feel being cared or even being isolated? Would it make them feel okay or even make them feel being judged? Then, is it the right time to show it in our ways? Or, probably is it better to give them space and delay it until we could care them?


Because, sometimes, all that someone needs when they face a tough problem is just a space.

Space so that they can re-think about their problems and their behavior that made it. Space so that they just need to take a break and a deep breath and contemplate about their decisions or mistakes. In that time, perhaps they don’t really need our judgmental and too much statements. They don’t need us to drown them with the feeling of ‘oh-my-god-these-are-all-my-faults’. They don’t really give a damn with our care intention behind all of it. Because all that they really need is just a space. And a little tender caresses on their back.

What I am trying to say here is that it’s good if we have an intention to care with other. But, the way we wrap and show it up are very much important.

How could someone know that we care to them if we just act like we are the rightest person on earth? How could someone feel our love if all that we show it are just full of hatred and arrogant words (even if what we stated was right)? And how could we pour our care if all that we want was not prevent them from something bad, but just to show off that we are better and righter than them?

Words, people. Words are sharper than a sword.

If we can’t choose the right words to calm down someone’s tough life or problem, we’d rather be just silent and wait until they contemplate their lives first.

Because many times in a hard day, an open arms is much better than an open lips.

Except for a kiss.


Being The Only Single Left Behind Could Be A Problem, But You’re Just Too Tired To Make An Issue


What do you think about marriage?

What was going through your mind about finding the right person? Have you got her or him? Or maybe you are experiencing the same thing? Have you ever felt so scared and not sure that one day you will find it? You’re so worried that you might be the last person still alone when all your companions are already married? And you’re the last person left behind?

You begin to think that no single opportunity to side with the right one. Do you even remember the last time someone asked you, not because he or she needs something from you, but because he or she cares about you? You don’t remember the last time someone holding your hand, to ask you to go to the cinema at the weekend? Maybe it was all those years ago? And it was your heart is completely emptied so that you do not care anymore about any chance? You begin to yield all to the power of God and no longer wants a lot of efforts?

You begin wondering, ah this probably my fault that I’ve done in the past?

Has someone ever cursed me so that it’s really hard for me finding just one person now? Did I make a mistake which hurt someone so much that left a deep wounds in his or her hearts that I do not deserve having a better one afterward? Can’t I just find one person who truly understands all my worries and ended up married to him or her? Because the one that you want to do is get married, like most of others. Do you live the same matters?

You never think that finding someone to marry you would be this hard. You’ve grown with the throng of doctrines that obstacles will be just about complete the study, find a job, and earn money. None of people in your family ever whispered that yes maybe you will experience problems with this one, finding your future spouse. Until finally you’re so surprised because you’re experiencing this problem. While perhaps others are never having a problem about this one. Until you’re tired and do not know what to say when they ask. You do not know how to explain anything because …

there is too much of a burden on your heart and mind.

You start looking for references, reading things that might make you calmer. You’re asking a lot of forums just to know that not only are you experiencing this problem all the burden. That turned out to be many people who experience the same thing. Do you feel knowing this will make you feel lighter, more relieved. Because in fact you were not all that strange than others. You also stuffing yourself with the motivational reading. That it was not fair to compare the rhythm of your life with the others’. That marriage is not the only destination and get married will not make you be more significant. Vice versa, that choosing not to married can make you better than them as well. You’re starting to open your mind that marriage is no longer the only thing that can define a person.

Marriage is more like a destination of place that is listed in the map of a traveler.

Maybe people will choose that site today, tomorrow, this year, or even not at all. Maybe he or she wants to get there but he or she is still gathering strategies, costs, funding, and other things to get there. Maybe he or she is eager to visit the destination, but just unable to do so, either because he or she run out of energy, run out of time, out of funds, or indeed feel … no need to get hurry. Just as a traveler who chooses to visit Venice than Paris. People who choose to go to Venice are no better than those who visit Paris. Also those who visit Paris are not better than those who go to Venice. Because basically it’s just a matter of the ability and willingness.

Marriage should not be an indicator of the success or failure of a person.

When you are married is not necessarily you are more successful than others. Also if you are not married yet it doesn’t mean you are more free than those already holding husband or wife. And so it goes you’re looking for facts to try to comfort you that it’s really fine if you’re still lying alone in a room, scrolling along your Instagram, laughing while watching the romantic comedy series, while your friends are out there are busy preparing for their wedding, choosing the type of card invitations, fitting their wedding dresses, or tasting food for their wedding party. It really doesn’t matter. But you are aware, there remains a vacuum in your heart when you remember … you’re the only one left while all of your friends have found a part of their love story.

You are the only one, literally.

But then you go back to bed, lying down, laughing again, because you feel … it’s not a problem, even though it’s a problem … you’re too tired to make an issue. And you just laughing again, try to comfort your own self.

Is not life should be just as simple as that?

The Heartbreak Story of Someone That Letting You Go So Easily

“It’s okay if you want to just… go.”

Your were frozen and stoned in a point as he whispered that in your ears. His voice was so low, but you believed enough that his echoing heart were sure and steady on telling this to yours. You ran out of words. You seemed difficult to perceive and accept this reality. That someone who ever hard pulling and grasping the rope was just releasing strands easily. Just like that.

There’s no streaks of fear reflected on his beautiful eyes. You didn’t even have a time for some kind of negotiation. Or mediation that probably could bring you both together again. That perhaps you two could still walking in the same line. But it’s enough. In that very moment, you’re quite aware. Maybe he just wanted you in a very awful portion. Not enough to endure everything that went between you two. And it’s like a bonfire in the rainy season. The warmth just ignited in the beginning then turned into cold that made you shiver. Just like now. Just like this very second.

You could see a conviction burnt on his eyes when he told you that. As if you’re the item that could be found and bought everywhere. No meaning, no value. He just said thanks with his cold and tearing smile. Thanks for what? Thanks because he made you soar as well that pushed you to believe that he wanted you so hard at first and then just let you go wasted like this? Thanks for ever making you believed of all his tenderness and toxic words of sweetness?

You had no idea what kind of thanks he meant.

The one thing that you knew was that you shouldn’t trust anyone with a sweet-talk in this life. The words were not a chocolate that even bitter would still feel good on the tongue. The words were more like a knife that could pierce and harm us at any time. You just need to wait when the knife would slice your wrist or even stick in your chest.

And for you, that knife he held was just stabbing yours now. Your heart in pain, but you still have to push yourself walking.