Psychology

Support Will Mean More While They Are Still Alive, Not When They Have Just Gone

Classic quotes says, we will start realizing that someone is very precious in this life after they are no longer with us.

Either it is because of a broken relationship, a divorce, or even worse, because of the death. That then, we will be poured by the very deep sadness and gloominess after they gone. But, does it still have a meaning for them or maybe for our surrounding even it has just happened after they gone?

We all know that world is now broken because of a sudden demise of one of the lasting bands’ lead vocal, Chester Bennington. There are lots of outpouring loves and supports come from all over the world, remarking that Chester was the best figure that ever lived, that everyone put their heart into it, and that they will miss him so much since then.

Of course, it’s normal thing to happen, especially when it comes to public figures who grab people’s heart. Losing and yearning become one package. The sudden throwback of how beautiful the memories they ever kept in mind play over and over again. Many people want to showcase that they care about that people’s bereavement. A lot.

But one thing provokes the big question is that, why have these all  just happened now? Where have we been before?

Mentioned that one which triggered the suicidal act Chester did was a depression. Reported a lot too that he had a tough battle of his mental health. He was also molested when he was seven years old. That then in one peaceful day, when he had just dropped his family home, he was found hanging himself. That day, he decided to end his 41 years of life in this world. Sad, tragic, but it could happen to anyone, not only to public figures whose life often being too much exposed and pressed.

But then again, why people have just put their attention only after it happened? Where have we been along this whole time?

The truth, most of the times we don’t really care toward something related to someone’s life.

We don’t want to involve ourselves too far in the problems that people have. We think, we also have our own lives and problems that need to overcome. Moreover, when we start seeing the load of troubles people have are getting bigger, deeper, and more serious. And it seems have no ending, we start taking a step back and consider to just watching from afar. Because again, we don’t wanna be infected by negative vibes. Especially when the person begins to showing that they have a tendency to do a self-harming, and it’s very hard to prevent them. We think, okay I will just get out from their messy life, and let just they be it.

Well, it’s again, a normal after all. Because we are not an angel that could magically help people’s life, right? We have our own limit and we will just stop trying when the situation gets hard.

But, what we can learn from Chester’s story and the world’s sympathy is that we could be an angel. We could magically help saving people’s life. Not by waiting until something bad happen first, but while they are still needing our support, silently or outspokenly.

It is when our inner instinct tells us to approach them because we feel that they need us, and it’s not always them telling us first. We could feel it, we could see it. Even some of them will tell you openly that they really want to end their depressing life. Simple, just tell them that their lives is precious. That there are hundreds of ways to find the solution. That there are lots of thing they could do to channel their stress mind into something more productive. And this one works effectively, just tell that when they start harming their self, nothing will happen. Their problems will never be solved. And if they are trying to grab attention, no one will see them just because they harm their self.

Give them the insight, what if they end their life now and the fact is that everything get better the day after they took their lives, wouldn’t they regret it? Once they slice their wrist and God say, okay I will take your life now, they could never reverse and take it back. Remind them like that.

That’s how our supports will give more meaning to them. While they are still alive and needing it. Not when we could only see their body hanged.

Let’s be an angel for those who need it.

 

 

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Here Is For You Who Is Thinking To End Your Life

Dear you,

I understand that this life is tough, rough, and sheer. As well as I know that not everyone notice about it. Many times we lose our grip and go astern being a sophist who seems lose our way. Not a few times we have to let go things we love the most. Often we feel like we are far left behind compared to our surrounding. We think that we are the only one whose life is messed up. Our visions and dreams are scattered everywhere and it seems like it’s too hard to put those all back together. Every step we take seems like brings us nowhere. Our goal is getting farer that it seems impossible to reach it. It’s like there is no point of waking up every morning.

I know that you might be hard to see the light in the end of tunnel. It seems like you are blinded, all you can see is darkness. All you can hear is an uproar of annoying noise. And all you can do is just sitting in the back of your locked door, wondering if it’s better for you not to be born at all. You feel pointless, wasted, and unavailin. A fool for one’s pains.

I do see that at this very time, you are getting numb. You can’t feel your own feeling, you can’t touch your own heart, and you can’t see your own shadow. You really don’t have any idea of how to live like a normal being. Even breathing seems like a hard work for you. You don’t want to see a mirror because you just hate yourself so much that you can’t even see your own reflection.

And dear you,

I can surely understand that when you come to the very bottom of your life like this, you might leave of your own senses. You only want to be alone but you are also obsessed to get along with people. You want to laugh hard as much as you want to cry out loud. You want to love and to be loved but you also hate everybody so much, even your parents and your friends. You feel like being alienated. You think that the universe never get along with you. You feel alone in these crowded earth.

And at this very climax of your suffering heart, I understand that you start thinking you are a messed, ripped, and cluttered. Your self is broken in pieces but nobody can see it. You begin to wonder if you are getting crazy and abnormal. You are scared of ended up by having a mental illness and everyone will just leave you eventually. In fact, each of us somehow surely have a certain kind of psychological disorder. And it’s not just you.

And dear, I also know when you are walking through the high bridge, you might think to just jump. Or when you hand a knife while slicing a meat, you might think it’s better for you slicing your wrist instead. Or when you pour a disinfectant, the thought of drinking it up ever crosses your mind. You think, what’s the point of surviving now when you no longer have a reason to keep breathing.

I really understand it well.

But dear, I tell you something. A secret that you might never think before.

If you are thinking that your life is lost and your steps lead to nowhere, just being a wanderer. Many times, a wanderer will find their own special place that nobody knows it. If you are thinking that you don’t understand your own feeling, just talk to them. Sometimes, talking to your own self is the best way to getting know your own feeling.

And if you are thinking of how ripped you are, that’s what makes you a masterpiece. Your each piece is worth more than anything and that’s what makes you special.

Life is hard, I know. You feel like you can’t hang on because it’s too much loads on your back, I know. You think that no one can understand you, maybe you just need to communicate it. Don’t supress your burdens alone. People are there for you.

And if you think that quitting your life is a best solution; it ain’t.

Dear you,

If you are feeling too tired to continue your life, too exhausted to open your eyes, just take times to rest. Do whatever you like. If you want to sleep, go sleep. If you want to get wild and scream out loud, just do it. If you want to go somewhere expensive, just go. All you need to do is don’t quit. Don’t cut your life. Don’t finish it now. Because someone somewhere out there is hoping to have you in their life.

So, stay alive and stay breathing.

It’s Time To Walk Away From Those Who Only Think You As An Option

You are not a paper test on the high school. Your life is not a multiple choices that people can only pick you as an option. You are not an object among items on the market alley. Your existence is not without a unique purpose that people can consider you just as the same with other.

You are obviously not a karaoke voucher given at the end of the year. You breathe for a reason that people can not use you only when they are convenient.

You are not a rest area along a distant highway. Your presence is not a pit stop that people can come and go without thinking to stay at all. You are not just a random number in the old cell phone. You might be available all the time but not for those who only think of you when they are lonely and alone.

You are definitely not a spare tire hanged on the back of a car. You can be everyone’s rescuer but it doesn’t mean you are only people’s back up, people’s plan B.

You are not a giggling doll sold in the Ebay. You might always want to entertain people but not for those who call you on the night when they are sober but then forgetting you on the next morning.

And seriously, you are not a customer service of the cable tv provider you subscribed. You can pick up anyone’s call any time but not for those who call you only when they have a bonus package.

Who do they think they are?

You know what, no one in this life wants to be considered only as an option. Each of one do want to be someone’s priority, or at least with the equivalent dose we prioritize them. We want to be wanted just as much as we want them. Equally because life should be balance. Even we know that life is about choosing an option, it doesn’t mean you can let people always treat you only as their option.

You deserve to be someone’s today’s special, just like how special a chef thinking and treating you as a good table, everyday.

You are worth more than being a daily topic list on your favorite website, you are worth as an editorial’s pick just as much as editorial team pick deliberately to serve you as the only one, everyday. You deserve to be someone’s signature dish that they put a huge effort just to get you and when they do, they will feel satisfied and enough.

Yes. Always being an option are tiring, exhausting, and irritating.

It is when you think you will be the first person who hears someone’s good news but then you only know it from other people, worse than that, someone’s social media. It is when you think you will be the only one who is invited for the special concert but then you know that someone decides to go with someone else. It is when you up all night and wait for someone’s call but after a week there was just nothing. And then when you try to accept the reality that you are only someone’s option, they just pop up in your life again without feeling guilty.

Seriously, who do they think they are?

For those who can only make a fool of your kindness and existence in their lives, show them that you are not.

Show them that you can survive without them. Show them that your life even brighter without they are living in it. That you are so much happier and it’s more than okay not to have them in your life. Because once they consider you only as an option, they will never take you as a priority.

And you have to show them that you worth as a priority. But if they still can’t see it, it’s the right time to walk away.

*

Are Some People Meant To Be Born As A Player?

First, let’s just set the common perception about a player.

We refer a player in here as a person who likes to play a mind and psychological game in order to attract people in their surrounding, especially their opposite sex. With or without relationship attached, with or without an obvious reason.

I’m sure that you might ever meet or even have a relationship with these kind of people, a player in your life. It perhaps you just didn’t know that they were or you did but you kept things going because you just curious of how things would go. Maybe, by thinking that they would change for you.

While unfortunately, they didn’t. At all.

It’s hard not to admit that a player often has a certain irresistable charm for us.

They often look somehow attractive, good looking, talkative, nice, even popular in their own way. It’s just inevitable that we somehow eventually tricked on their sex appeal. It could be the way they socialize, the way they think about some matters, or maybe it’s just the charm of their physical appearance.

The problem comes when we are getting to know closer with them, we realize that they just try to attract us so that we could join the ‘fanbase’ they have been making along this time. We might notice this from their social medias. If you are a guy, you notice that there are tons of ‘oh girl you look so beautiful, when are we gonna meet?’ comments on her every posting that end up being unreplied. If you are a girl, you see it from how much he spreads the love buttons along with leaving the ‘hey girl you look cute as always’ comment in many of ladies’ postings. Crap.

It’s actually easy to know if someone is player.

As a human, either you are a guy or girl, we have an instinct, a gut feeling that tells us something implicitly, including this case. But at worst, even if we know that perhaps it’s not only us getting hurt by them, we still feel that hurt. Knowing that the attention they gave to us was actually not too special. They sell it to everyone.

So, the question comes after that is whether some people meant to be born as a player?

M. Farouk Radwan tells that there are certain reasons people end up by being a player and I could highlight that it is all about the insecurity.

A player who often stands up as a confident (sometimes over confident) person is actually not that confident. They even are still trying to reassure their selves by getting a validation from the other. Yes, it’s like they are needing a prove from outward so bad. Because they still couldn’t discover their very own selves, they need an approval from others. They hunger for their ‘oh you are so attractive and good looking that I can’t even resist’ just to make sure that they are. They thirst of ‘I miss you and I want to be on your side’ just to know that their presence are needed.

Many of players are actually craving for the feeling of being wanted and desired.

No wonder, if you are currently making a relationship with someone like this, you are often trapped being ghosted. Five days in a row he or she was so clingy and showering you with their attention, and the next two weeks he or she would just disappeared from your orbit. No text, no call, nothing but they kept updating their social lives online. The strongest reason is that they want you to want them. They want you to prioritize them by showing that you are not always their priority. Ouch.

So, what shall we do if we fall for these kind of people?

Stop feeding them a validation they always seek from us.

I know that we love to play a game since we were child. But it’s a big no no for these kind of mind and psychological games. We will be wounded, especially our self-esteem and our self-regard. Because, once we are surviving them, letting our own selves tricked in their games, we will often fall in a feeling of insecure. We will doubting ourselves many times because of feeling not enough for them. Especially when they start to spread their hook and play as a ghost. We will slowly lose our value and self-love by feeling not worthy for them.

It might be hard at the first because as I said before, they somehow have a very strong magnetic charm that we often can’t resist. But, how many times will we let them playing our psychological feeling? How many chance will we give for them to threat our mental health?

All I could say, let the player play while we love the lover. Shake it off!

Never Ending Same Question: Ever Worried of Being Unmarried?

​”Have you ever worried about being unmarried?” One of my friends asked, again.
I know I have written and talked lots about these. With you, with my close friends, and with my family. And the more I discuss about this, the more it will end up at the same point. But, that time I asked back to my friend about why that question came up. 

“I just worry about it now, like… a lot. And I think it’s good to talk with you because you seem like so calm about it,” as my friend answered by texting me.

So calm. The answer reminded me of my friend who ever said the same tone. I remember, it was while we were hanging out together and they were all talking about their love lives matter, and then one of them shouting to me. “You know what, I think you are too free like a bird. Sometimes you need to think about your love life too.”

Then I am wondering now, do I look that careless?


Here, I try to explore my own mind as probably you would do the same. I don’t know what’s happening to me lately. As something happens related with my life, whether it’s a career, family, or even love life, it doesn’t really bother me. Not as much as before.

Somesay because I have succeeded controlling my own emotion now. I am not easily falling into stressors anymore. But I am my self thinking that it is because I have reached the limit of my threshold. Similar with people in the mountain. While they are freezing by the maximum coldness, they can’t even feel the cold in their body any more. Their skins become insensitive. In this case, my mental is becoming able to endure any stressors. Just because I have reached my limit.
Back to the main topic, do I feel worry of not getting married yet?

Well, no one wants to be alone in their lives. Most of people want to marry the person they love and build the family. It’s like one of human’s ultimate goal. So do I. I want the same thing. I also open my self for many possibility and chance, but it just doesn’t work up until now. It just has not happened yet for me now. 

I guess, I am tired of thinking the positivity of why I have not gotten the one. I am tired of seeking the make sense reason. So does to the many failures in my life. I am just exhausting of finding the logic reasons. That’s what turns me into someone who seems so careless about life now.

I am now a present life person. I live today, I make an effort today, but I don’t want to push my self thinking about what’s next, what ifs, what wills, or whatsover.
Funny that I even often hate my self in the past. The too ambitious person, the over achiever, the too much chasing person. Drawn in the remorse, I ask my self: What did I really chase that time? Why did I act like that in fact nothing lasts forever? 

Yes, nothing lasts forever. We are just an actor of this whole life that has already being planned by the Creator. The married and unmarried things, the hired and unhired things, those all aren’t supposed to be forced to happen, yet. 
So that’s what going on my mind. But then just texted back to my friend saying: “Because I just let things go. Nothing more.” And I know my friend really unsatisfied with my answer. 

I Don’t Know Anything Now, But I Feel It’s Better

I read lots of quotes about how a little thing could change you (and perhaps) the way you look at life and people.

The interesting thing from the quote is that it somehow could make us feel as if it is so “us”. But, no. I finally literally understand it well.

Take back the time and see me in years ago.

The me who was very well-planned, (sometimes over) achiever, ambitious, such a very dream chaser, and many times I was a person who couldn’t tolerate a mistake I made. Also, I used to live pleasing people around me. It’s like a mandatory to make them happy and think a good side of me.

I was.

I arranged and constructed everything in a very proper composition. I dreamt big and was very optimistic of it. I thought every effort I make to please people were success. I was satisfied just by having a nice future plan and a nice people who liked me. 

I was.

But for some people, reality doesn’t always goes smoothly. You lose things you didn’t expect before, you make mistake that actually not yours, you are treated badly by a person who you please the most, and your dream seems vanished to the sky just like that. Away.

Time by time, you will stuck in a denial cage. You can’t accept the reality that out of your reach now. You feel so bad about yourself by ever having “a too nice self” in your previous days. You don’t know what you have to do, where you have to go, whom you can trust any more. You feel like “it is better for me not to be born at all.” Do you?

I did. 

But you know what, sometimes “don’t know anything” is a best cure.

As in, when our lives seem like out of scenario, what we need to do, perhaps, is not too much forcing ourselves. Not too hard pushing ourselves to grab everything and put the pieces back. Just… stop to push ourselves in questioning everything. Live in the very present. Day by day.

Stop give a damn of how we always compare our messy life with people’s. It’s really not helping.

If you’re in amidst of searching your love, just be cool in doing it. Don’t give a stupid damn of how your friends getting married earlier than you. It’s their lives, not yours.

If you have just lost your job and you feel like you don’t know where to start. Stop give a shit of your friend’s LinkedIn status update. It’s their lives, not yours. 

If you are trapped in a vicarious circle of your family problems. Come on, do you really think that all the photos they update are look just the way that harmonious like that? 

It’s their lives, not yours. 

When I started to act the way I want to, not because I think of how to be liked by others, or of how it supposed to be, I feel like a half of my burden was gone. 

I know I don’t have a clear vision of my future, and perhaps it’s not as clear as people’s. But at least, I know what I am doing. 

I know I might do something that feels nothing now, but I am sure it will give a value for me.

So, for you who experience the same thing, believe me, “not knowing anything” is sometimes a good cure. 

One point we have to remember, we can stop pushing ourselves too hard, but we can’t stop believing that ourselves deserve something better.

Because People Can Break Your Heart, You’re Allowed To Be Selfish

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They said they would call you but then they didn’t. They said it would always be you but then there’s another one. They told you that they would be there for you but then you couldn’t even ring them when you needed them. They said that nothing would change but then it’s just you who stay the same and think everything just like the old days. They promised you that they just needed a little time but then there’s just nothing until this second.

Do you want to hear one short miserable story ever? You trust the wrong people.

The worse part is that you did it over and over again. It’s like you can’t learn from mistakes. You always think it would never happen again to you. Even if your gut says not, you start putting your trust again to them. The wrong ones. Just because you believe that no one is the same and you expect these ones are better than other. But no. You’re wrong. The cycle of miserable broken heart is getting started. You’re intoxicated.

But, do they really care about you having a scattered heart because of them breaking their promises and trust? Pathetically no. They wouldn’t. Every human being on this earth has their own businesses. No wonder they don’t give a shit about other’s problem. As long as it doesn’t really give a direct impact in their lives, they wouldn’t even aware of it.

So, why do you bother to care about them?

You’re allowed to be selfish. You’re allowed to hate people who ever wounded you. Like what Rania Naim tells, you’re even allowed to leave them.

We only live once. We can’t just stay in the wrong story along with a wrong people within it. Our life is precious. Your life is irreplaceable. No one can really blot every valuable seconds you have. Soak and whiff the air around you. You will feel how worth your self is. It’s okay not to go through what people’s say. It’s okay to do an opposite from what people’s expect. It’s okay to focus on your self, hear you own mind, and follow your heart.

Because once they break your heart, no one is really responsible to fix it but you. So, it’s just okay to be sometimes selfishly focus on your life. Your goal. Your will. Your ultimate fate.