In Losing You, I Find Me

2 AM when all I can hear is just a whispering mind of the tough week I have fought and a rough road I have walked. I can’t count how many times the nightfall escorts me to you.

Like a vicarious circle, you always trap me. And even if I keep wondering, why staying is such the only choice that I have when actually I always have an option to leave.

I find myself clinching back our times and stories again. Like you’re the utopia, castle in the air, fool’s paradise, I’m betting all I have just to stake for your guesswork.

Cause I don’t think I’m ready to let things go to let the thing go. But then again human will never be prepared for such a loss. Well wait, I might not lose you.

You are the one who’s been trying to search for me inside of everyone you’re with. And I wasn’t found, you just couldn’t find me and maybe you will never be.

I thought I have found my place, in between your arms, or the warmth of your embrace and the fierceness of your voice. But, many times I ended up by looking for more cues from you instead. Like, questioning becomes my new kind of inclination. Until I have reached this point where I finally find out who I am.

I might be too good for you who don’t even sure about me, or even about yourself.




You’re In Toxic Relationship When He Always Make You Doubt About Yourself

Month after month, through all the heartbreaks and all the rise & fall moments, you still couldn’t see why you always ended up with holding him, holding the possibilities that perhaps you set up in your own mind. You actually know that you should have gotten over it from many times before.


It was when he always keeps you lay awake at night, not because of the sweet talks and butterflies he creates to you, but because of all the questions over your head every time he hangs up his call. Or when he says that he misses you over and over again that then you start questioning whether he does it to the others. Or every time you both say goodbye and until then that after it you always wonder whether this would be the last time for you to see him.


Not few times you find yourself trapped in the overanalyzing world of yours. You observe every single thing, act, word, and even the feeling and reaction he creates to you. And often, you doubt yourself of whether you would still hold him or just let it go like literally go. Because, deep in your heart, you know you have no serious future with him that the possibility of end up by being in almost-relationship grows clearer.


But, here you are, still sitting on your bed, late at night, thinking  about him, again and again.


Why him? You question yourself too many times even you know you will always end up by seeking for facts that could support your self-fcking-bias. You deleted his number, unlinked all the social media connections with him, and even ignored him roughly. Just so that it would make everything easier, to forget him, to let him go. When you actually know that it ain’t cause each time you try to do it, the universe seems always bring him to you again.


All those little things that remind you of him, your both favourite place, the smell of perfume he used to spray over his body, your both favourite basketball team, even that stupid little popcorn you both used to pick in the cinema, or when you see his company’s name all over the ads. You know you still have a chance to make things work with him each time he asks you out or calls you just to hear your voice because he said he misses you, again, like so bad.


Almost all night long you find yourself crying because you miss him when he ghosts you and you don’t actually want this feeling. You want him but you know you should have gotten over him. Gotten overall this unclear relationship. Up until you remember;


When he let you waited for him almost more than an hour because he still played on the hall, or when he kept you confused about how he said he would call you late at night but he didn’t, or when he said he would come to approach your place but he didn’t show up at all, and when he let you go home alone in the super late at night by saying please text me when you get home rather than taking you home;


You notice, you can’t force someone to love you when he actually doesn’t.


It’s now like a crystal clear, you see that he’s never really that serious with you. That, it’s not healthy for your mental hygiene because many times all he does is just making you wondering whether you are enough for him. That, it’s better to let someone go when you often feel less and empty even when you’re with them. And that, maybe, again, he doesn’t belong to you, this relationship doesn’t belong to you. Cause at this time, you know that you always wonder your worth and if someone really loves you, they’re supposed not to make you feel this way.


A healthy relationship is when you both can support each other rather than doubting your precious self and talent, when he doesn’t often tell ‘I miss you’ cause you both have a fixed time and schedule to meet each other, when he doesn’t let you wait too long because he knows nobody likes waiting, and when he doesn’t let you doubt about your self-worth because he just loves you too much that you don’t have a time to even wonder about it.


2017 almost ends, you know you better to end something because keeping it will just destruct and drown yourself, slowly but killing…

You’re In Toxic Relationship When He Always Make You Doubt About Yourself

Stop Testing Him, Because Perhaps You Just Love the Idea of Loving Him

It’s been a while since you both knowing each other.

You still remember how you both first met. Each day, you are getting closer to him. It feels like he always opens himself to you. He told you lots about his day, how it was so hard for him through his job, how it was so fun his games went, what he would do for a month ahead. He even talks about the plan to go with you next time. That you don’t even sure what next time means for him. It could be tomorrow, next days, weekends, or even becomes never.

You can’t stop smiling each time you see his name pops up during your boring meeting-to-meeting days. Or in the middle of the conversation that you have with your friends. You can’t lie to yourself that, somehow, his name always successfully grabs your attention. Whatever it takes. Whatever it appears. Whenever it shows up. He indeed has a special spot in your mind.

Just his simply sweet talk, just his simple voice notes, just the way he anchors his face in your brain from night to night. You know he’s special for you. You know you both have an opportunity, or at least you wish.

But you know what, have you ever noticed that you might be in your own story along this time?

Have you ever asked yourself, what would happen if you never showed your interest to him first, would he be the one who showed it then? Have you ever been alert, does he ever know your favourite drinks and foods, or even has he ever wanted to know that? Have you ever been thought, when he talked excitedly about his plan in a month, has he ever asked about yours, or even has he ever showed his curiosity towards yours?

Oh dear, you don’t have to answer.

It’s sometimes hard to know whether people are truly falling in love or just falling into the idea of loving someone. It’s sometimes so blurred to see whether people need someone so hard as their personal self, or they just need anybody as a human being. It’s often not easy to recognize whether people are comfortable with their close relationship because they are mentally satisfied, or they have just been trying to satisfy their selves and convincing their own situation. Many time they are trapped in a grey and blurry area they didn’t even know their selves.

Oh dear, you don’t have to overthink about it.

When you always try to push yourself just to give him one more chance, one more test. Just so that you know whether he will invest in yourself in a balance amount or not. Or just so that you know, that song he sang and sent to you in the midnight was because he thought about you, and it wasn’t just because he was bored, or drunk. Or just so that you get a clearer vision that he really meant to meet you and it was because he was longing too.

Oh dear, you don’t have to continue testing him, checking him.

Even if he might be your favourite what ifs, or maybe he is your most-waited notification, or maybe his voice becomes your favourite caffeine, no he’s not. You deserve someone that could be more than just that. Your time worth for someone who could give you more than just a need to validate, to make sure, to grow up being insecure. No, you don’t.

Maybe it’s not him that you crave for, maybe it’s not him that you actually long for, maybe it’s just not him who deserves all of your attention, loves, and energies. Maybe.

He Both Makes You Excited to Fly Yet Scared to Leave the Ground

Here, takes my jacket that you might feel warmer, he said.

You pulled in yours and you said no thank you.

Here, I give my hat that protects your hairs from getting wet, he offered.

You opened up your umbrella and said let’s walk together and get safe.

Are you tired, do you need me to take your bag, he asked.

Aren’t yours heavier I could see it, you answered with the smile on your face as you touched his bag.

It’s okay we could use my card, he whispered when in the cashier.

Thank you, but please I will pay it later on, you begged him.


He was nice, you thought.

Maybe it’s just because he was nice, like—to everybody, your mind fought.

But at least he treated me like a gentle one, you still tried to argue.

Being gentle doesn’t avoid someone from being a player, your mind still could debate you.

Could you please just be quite a bit, you tried to shut your mind.

I couldn’t, I am protecting you from getting hurt, it resisted.

Why do you even hope me to get hurt, you protested.

Because I know you would, everybody knows, even your heart, it indeed answered.

I hate knowing it but at least could we enjoy the moment a bit, you argued tenderly.



Are you tired from walking in miles with me, he interrupted your crazy battlefield.

You just smiled and laughed, not even a bit, you said within your heart.

It is funny thinking that you keep things going thru the hard times.

Thru the doubts, thru the tears, thru the pain, thru your own mind conflict;

Here seeing yourself walking side by side with him.

Like nothing ever happened before. Like you have crushed the walls you have been building for many years. Like—just like that.


You want me to drive you home, he offered in doubt.

You stared at his eyes thoroughly.

Oh shut up, your heart is not a titanium, just say no, the mind told you too.

Maybe a little bit test, your heart interrupted.

Test your own self fool, your mind protested, there’s no time for that.


You’re still stoned and caught him seeing you, waiting for an answer.

Is it okay, you whispered in doubt too.

Sure, I can’t let you go home alone anyway, he answered as he smiled.

But, after one more cup and one more talk, he added.

You never expected that kind of response.

Is it okay to feel this, you asked your own self as you could not handle a little butterfly tickles your belly.


You talked and laughed and sometimes let the air took control.

You didn’t actually know where this all would lead.

Would this end in flame just for tonight?

Would there be no other hi after this time?

Would he just come crossing your lines like other persons?

Would your mind show that it’s right or—would the heart win?


You really have no idea. But as you turned your head and saw smile in his face, you thought;

It’s okay. I am afraid yet I just want to enjoy the very moment. And it’s enough.

​When You Were Only A Snack For Their Starving Ego

You finally noticed, it wasn’t you, it’s them.

You thought, there’s perhaps something wrong with yourself because they never showed their curiosity toward you. They never seemed eager to dig something deeper about you. They didn’t look interested to swim into your life. Even only for casual purposes, they just didn’t.
You thought, this was perhaps just a part of the long way steps. The beginning phase that you needed to understand. The part wherein you had to hold up yourself for revealing anything about you, one by one, just like peeling an onion. Because you assumed, maybe they wanted to know.
You thought, oh probably you needed to re-polish your life so that it could attract them just a little bit more. Cause you didn’t think they were totally uninterested with you. Cause you didn’t see they didn’t want you in their lives. 
They always tried to drag you back everytime you started going away. They always tried to knot their rope every second you decided to cut it off. They always tried to pull you closer that made you thought, oh you guessed you just needed to give them a second chance. And everything might be better. But it wasn’t, they didn’t.
It was not you, it was them.

When they only talked about how they ran their lives in a day-to-day basis without even asking how yours was. When they were busy telling you about what their favorite songs were, or which café they tended to choose, or how their weekend was without even asking you back. Without even giving you seconds to tell yours.
That when you gone missing, because you were just tired of always listening their long fairytale of their own world. Or because you felt like there was no point of keeping this relationship. Or because you wanted to stop caring them; They just came close to you by asking, “Where have you been?” like you were so precious.
And when your stupid foolish mind whispered, yeah just one more chance, and you gave it. By hoping they would change. By wishing they would never be absorbed in their own world again. But they didn’t. And you knew that time, that’s why they wanted you back. Because they only needed a validation of their own existence. They only wanted them to be known, to feel being liked, and to let people entered their “I AM” world.
They just needed you to feed their hunger ego of starving the popularity, the “showcase here my world” program. They would never care about you even if they seemed. Because their only goal was just to make everything focuses only to them. Only about them. And that’s it.
You’re not a snack on the market that they could only pick in the hunger and then leave it on the dustbin. No, you’re not. You deserve even better.

Cut Off All The Bridging And Stop Feeding Yourself A Mixed-Signal

Do you think that your current Facebook status will be understood by the person you targeted?
Do you expect that your sudden missing manner will send the right signal to the person you wished to?

Do you even think that your silence will make them notice that you actually want to be heard?
Do you wish that the way you give a very short text back will make them wondering if there is something wrong with you?
Do you hope that when you put some deep pathetic quotes on your Instagram will be received as some hint for them?
That when they finally realize you are acting different and they ask you why, you will just say that you are okay and nothing is happening?


The truth is that many times people are busy with their own life and problem.

Their daily happy routine. Their fave cup of coffee. The song they fancy the most. Even the complaints from their boss and clients. The high stack of their daily task that soon need to be done. The bills they receive from letter in their mailbox. The tired heart they try to fight every morning.

They have their own business to handle everyday and keeping an attention to interpret all your bridging and signal is no longer necessary for them.

They don’t have a time and they don’t want to spare a time for it. Because again, they also have their own life.
And if you hate getting a mixed signal from people because you are tired to seek all the meaning behind it by yourself, just stop sending them yours first.


Stop thinking that it will be good for you telling them implicitly rather than frontally. Stop hoping that all those hints you send will be properly decoded by them. Stop wanting them to understand what inside your mind every night.

Stop it and just cut off all the bridging. Tell them instead. Clear and bright.

If you miss them but they never have a time for you, just tell them that you thirst for their hours. If you angry with them because of the latest conversation you have, just shout it and fix it until it gets right. If you always be the one who tries to keep things go between you both, just freaking say that you need them to do it too, so that your relationship will be balanced. And if you doubt about your feeling toward them because they sometimes send the puzzling signal, ask them. Ask them whether they really want to stay with you.
They are not a fortune teller, not a paranormal, nor a spiritualist. They can’t peek inside your heart, they can’t hear you feeling, they can’t always see what’s your real meaning, that’s why you need to seriously tell them.


Because if you keep bound in this kind of hoping game, it is you the one that will eventually get hurt. It is you the one that will feel as if they don’t want to understand you. And it is you the one that finally will just let them go again because you think they don’t want to keep you. In fact they just have no idea of how to do it. Just let them know.



What It’s Like To Regret For Ever Meeting You

Just so you know how many times I deleted your number and told myself that I would never want to talk with you again.

Just so you know how much I kept myself busy just so that there would be no space in my mind to even think about you.

Just so you know how hard I struggled to overcome the urge every time you said you want to meet me.

Just so you know that I held my heart so hard until I felt numb every second I thought that we were meant for each other.

Just so you know how much I killed the night by over analyzing your latest message for me that time.

Just so you know how tough efforts I put just to look happily normal so that you might not know the battle I faced everyday.

Just so you know how many times I tried so hard not give any response once you appeared again after been a while.

Just so you know how sore my chest once I saw something that reminds me of you, reminds me of us.

Just so you know that I tried to comprehend so well about every beginning must have an ending so that the pain would vanish slowly.

Just so you know how much I talked to my own mind about you as only one of the words that I should have just skipped in my chapter.

Just so you know how strong the remorse I felt as much as the yearning of the daily talk we used to have.

Just so you know how much you have succeed to convince myself for starting to love and to be loved again.

Just so you know how pain this heart when I woke up hoping your text would popped up and welcoming my fuzzy morning.

Just so you know that when you decided to stop everything between us, I started doubting my self again;
Of my worthiness, of my value, of my existence, and of love that I tried so hard to believe again.

Just so you know that when you chose to eventually walk away, I wanted to slap my own self and told that these all weren’t supposed to ever happen. At all.

Just so you know, but do you?

It’s Time To Walk Away From Those Who Only Think You As An Option

You are not a paper test on the high school. Your life is not a multiple choices that people can only pick you as an option. You are not an object among items on the market alley. Your existence is not without a unique purpose that people can consider you just as the same with other.

You are obviously not a karaoke voucher given at the end of the year. You breathe for a reason that people can not use you only when they are convenient.

You are not a rest area along a distant highway. Your presence is not a pit stop that people can come and go without thinking to stay at all. You are not just a random number in the old cell phone. You might be available all the time but not for those who only think of you when they are lonely and alone.

You are definitely not a spare tire hanged on the back of a car. You can be everyone’s rescuer but it doesn’t mean you are only people’s back up, people’s plan B.

You are not a giggling doll sold in the Ebay. You might always want to entertain people but not for those who call you on the night when they are sober but then forgetting you on the next morning.

And seriously, you are not a customer service of the cable tv provider you subscribed. You can pick up anyone’s call any time but not for those who call you only when they have a bonus package.

Who do they think they are?

You know what, no one in this life wants to be considered only as an option. Each of one do want to be someone’s priority, or at least with the equivalent dose we prioritize them. We want to be wanted just as much as we want them. Equally because life should be balance. Even we know that life is about choosing an option, it doesn’t mean you can let people always treat you only as their option.

You deserve to be someone’s today’s special, just like how special a chef thinking and treating you as a good table, everyday.

You are worth more than being a daily topic list on your favorite website, you are worth as an editorial’s pick just as much as editorial team pick deliberately to serve you as the only one, everyday. You deserve to be someone’s signature dish that they put a huge effort just to get you and when they do, they will feel satisfied and enough.

Yes. Always being an option are tiring, exhausting, and irritating.

It is when you think you will be the first person who hears someone’s good news but then you only know it from other people, worse than that, someone’s social media. It is when you think you will be the only one who is invited for the special concert but then you know that someone decides to go with someone else. It is when you up all night and wait for someone’s call but after a week there was just nothing. And then when you try to accept the reality that you are only someone’s option, they just pop up in your life again without feeling guilty.

Seriously, who do they think they are?

For those who can only make a fool of your kindness and existence in their lives, show them that you are not.

Show them that you can survive without them. Show them that your life even brighter without they are living in it. That you are so much happier and it’s more than okay not to have them in your life. Because once they consider you only as an option, they will never take you as a priority.

And you have to show them that you worth as a priority. But if they still can’t see it, it’s the right time to walk away.


The Days I Fight So Hard, If Only You Knew

Who doesn’t like the euphoria of falling with someone?
The morning when you wake up with the reason to smile. The night you spend with overnight call until you feel your eyes are glued but you don’t want to give up the call. The day when he or she finally asks you when you both are going to meet. The second when you see him or her and you want to freeze the moment at least for longer times.
In fact, everybody addicts to the chemical reaction in their gut when they are falling in love. The very first starting point of relationship that is a whole better than a bar of chocolate. It excites you, it boosts you, and even it drives you crazy. The mechanism that is  stronger than a doping pil. It energizes you too.
We love the idea of having someone to crush with. And even it crushes our heart too because the name itself is crush. 
It crushes your heart when you see their name popping up on your screen. It crushes your heart when you hear their electrical voices. It crushes your heart just by a simple question from them asking how your day was. It crushes your heart when they say a little thing that reminding them of you. It even crushes your heart by coincidentally listening to a song that you both like it somewhere. 
It feels like there is a butterfly in your belly tickling you but you like that sensation. Moreover, you addict on it. The addiction that sometimes crushes your heart more in pieces.
It crushes you more when they don’t text you unreasonably. It crushes you more when there is no call at all during a week. It crushes you more when you play over the memory you have with them recently and kind of starving for it. It crushes you more simply by overanalyzing if you are good enough to keep their attention to you. And it crushes you more just by hoping their hello at the end of your bad day.
We seem are a pseudomasochist because we let our heart in pain just because we love crushing with them. And even we have tough days to fight for.
It is the day when you have a tremendous battle between your feeling toward them and the fact that you have already know. It is the day when you have to fight the urge of texting them first while they are ghosting you. It is the day when you are slapped by your own mind because you know you can’t hope anything from your undefined and almost relationship. It is the day when you struggle so hard to fight the thought that if they meant to call you, they would. It is the day when you miss them so freakingly hard but you restrain yourself not to tell them. Because ego is a hell of drug. And it is the day when you wait them to schedule your meetup without any sudden cancellation.
It is tough, darling. The days that we fight so hard for any feeling attached toward them. And it crushes us more for hoping they would know. If only.

Are Some People Meant To Be Born As A Player?

First, let’s just set the common perception about a player.

We refer a player in here as a person who likes to play a mind and psychological game in order to attract people in their surrounding, especially their opposite sex. With or without relationship attached, with or without an obvious reason.

I’m sure that you might ever meet or even have a relationship with these kind of people, a player in your life. It perhaps you just didn’t know that they were or you did but you kept things going because you just curious of how things would go. Maybe, by thinking that they would change for you.

While unfortunately, they didn’t. At all.

It’s hard not to admit that a player often has a certain irresistable charm for us.

They often look somehow attractive, good looking, talkative, nice, even popular in their own way. It’s just inevitable that we somehow eventually tricked on their sex appeal. It could be the way they socialize, the way they think about some matters, or maybe it’s just the charm of their physical appearance.

The problem comes when we are getting to know closer with them, we realize that they just try to attract us so that we could join the ‘fanbase’ they have been making along this time. We might notice this from their social medias. If you are a guy, you notice that there are tons of ‘oh girl you look so beautiful, when are we gonna meet?’ comments on her every posting that end up being unreplied. If you are a girl, you see it from how much he spreads the love buttons along with leaving the ‘hey girl you look cute as always’ comment in many of ladies’ postings. Crap.

It’s actually easy to know if someone is player.

As a human, either you are a guy or girl, we have an instinct, a gut feeling that tells us something implicitly, including this case. But at worst, even if we know that perhaps it’s not only us getting hurt by them, we still feel that hurt. Knowing that the attention they gave to us was actually not too special. They sell it to everyone.

So, the question comes after that is whether some people meant to be born as a player?

M. Farouk Radwan tells that there are certain reasons people end up by being a player and I could highlight that it is all about the insecurity.

A player who often stands up as a confident (sometimes over confident) person is actually not that confident. They even are still trying to reassure their selves by getting a validation from the other. Yes, it’s like they are needing a prove from outward so bad. Because they still couldn’t discover their very own selves, they need an approval from others. They hunger for their ‘oh you are so attractive and good looking that I can’t even resist’ just to make sure that they are. They thirst of ‘I miss you and I want to be on your side’ just to know that their presence are needed.

Many of players are actually craving for the feeling of being wanted and desired.

No wonder, if you are currently making a relationship with someone like this, you are often trapped being ghosted. Five days in a row he or she was so clingy and showering you with their attention, and the next two weeks he or she would just disappeared from your orbit. No text, no call, nothing but they kept updating their social lives online. The strongest reason is that they want you to want them. They want you to prioritize them by showing that you are not always their priority. Ouch.

So, what shall we do if we fall for these kind of people?

Stop feeding them a validation they always seek from us.

I know that we love to play a game since we were child. But it’s a big no no for these kind of mind and psychological games. We will be wounded, especially our self-esteem and our self-regard. Because, once we are surviving them, letting our own selves tricked in their games, we will often fall in a feeling of insecure. We will doubting ourselves many times because of feeling not enough for them. Especially when they start to spread their hook and play as a ghost. We will slowly lose our value and self-love by feeling not worthy for them.

It might be hard at the first because as I said before, they somehow have a very strong magnetic charm that we often can’t resist. But, how many times will we let them playing our psychological feeling? How many chance will we give for them to threat our mental health?

All I could say, let the player play while we love the lover. Shake it off!