Love

​When You Were Only A Snack For Their Starving Ego

You finally noticed, it wasn’t you, it’s them.

You thought, there’s perhaps something wrong with yourself because they never showed their curiosity toward you. They never seemed eager to dig something deeper about you. They didn’t look interested to swim into your life. Even only for casual purposes, they just didn’t.
You thought, this was perhaps just a part of the long way steps. The beginning phase that you needed to understand. The part wherein you had to hold up yourself for revealing anything about you, one by one, just like peeling an onion. Because you assumed, maybe they wanted to know.
You thought, oh probably you needed to re-polish your life so that it could attract them just a little bit more. Cause you didn’t think they were totally uninterested with you. Cause you didn’t see they didn’t want you in their lives. 
They always tried to drag you back everytime you started going away. They always tried to knot their rope every second you decided to cut it off. They always tried to pull you closer that made you thought, oh you guessed you just needed to give them a second chance. And everything might be better. But it wasn’t, they didn’t.
It was not you, it was them.



When they only talked about how they ran their lives in a day-to-day basis without even asking how yours was. When they were busy telling you about what their favorite songs were, or which café they tended to choose, or how their weekend was without even asking you back. Without even giving you seconds to tell yours.
That when you gone missing, because you were just tired of always listening their long fairytale of their own world. Or because you felt like there was no point of keeping this relationship. Or because you wanted to stop caring them; They just came close to you by asking, “Where have you been?” like you were so precious.
And when your stupid foolish mind whispered, yeah just one more chance, and you gave it. By hoping they would change. By wishing they would never be absorbed in their own world again. But they didn’t. And you knew that time, that’s why they wanted you back. Because they only needed a validation of their own existence. They only wanted them to be known, to feel being liked, and to let people entered their “I AM” world.
They just needed you to feed their hunger ego of starving the popularity, the “showcase here my world” program. They would never care about you even if they seemed. Because their only goal was just to make everything focuses only to them. Only about them. And that’s it.
You’re not a snack on the market that they could only pick in the hunger and then leave it on the dustbin. No, you’re not. You deserve even better.

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Cut Off All The Bridging And Stop Feeding Yourself A Mixed-Signal

Do you think that your current Facebook status will be understood by the person you targeted?
Do you expect that your sudden missing manner will send the right signal to the person you wished to?

Do you even think that your silence will make them notice that you actually want to be heard?
Do you wish that the way you give a very short text back will make them wondering if there is something wrong with you?
Do you hope that when you put some deep pathetic quotes on your Instagram will be received as some hint for them?
That when they finally realize you are acting different and they ask you why, you will just say that you are okay and nothing is happening?

 

The truth is that many times people are busy with their own life and problem.

Their daily happy routine. Their fave cup of coffee. The song they fancy the most. Even the complaints from their boss and clients. The high stack of their daily task that soon need to be done. The bills they receive from letter in their mailbox. The tired heart they try to fight every morning.

They have their own business to handle everyday and keeping an attention to interpret all your bridging and signal is no longer necessary for them.

They don’t have a time and they don’t want to spare a time for it. Because again, they also have their own life.
And if you hate getting a mixed signal from people because you are tired to seek all the meaning behind it by yourself, just stop sending them yours first.

 

Stop thinking that it will be good for you telling them implicitly rather than frontally. Stop hoping that all those hints you send will be properly decoded by them. Stop wanting them to understand what inside your mind every night.

Stop it and just cut off all the bridging. Tell them instead. Clear and bright.

If you miss them but they never have a time for you, just tell them that you thirst for their hours. If you angry with them because of the latest conversation you have, just shout it and fix it until it gets right. If you always be the one who tries to keep things go between you both, just freaking say that you need them to do it too, so that your relationship will be balanced. And if you doubt about your feeling toward them because they sometimes send the puzzling signal, ask them. Ask them whether they really want to stay with you.
They are not a fortune teller, not a paranormal, nor a spiritualist. They can’t peek inside your heart, they can’t hear you feeling, they can’t always see what’s your real meaning, that’s why you need to seriously tell them.

 

Because if you keep bound in this kind of hoping game, it is you the one that will eventually get hurt. It is you the one that will feel as if they don’t want to understand you. And it is you the one that finally will just let them go again because you think they don’t want to keep you. In fact they just have no idea of how to do it. Just let them know.

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What It’s Like To Regret For Ever Meeting You

Just so you know how many times I deleted your number and told myself that I would never want to talk with you again.

Just so you know how much I kept myself busy just so that there would be no space in my mind to even think about you.

Just so you know how hard I struggled to overcome the urge every time you said you want to meet me.

Just so you know that I held my heart so hard until I felt numb every second I thought that we were meant for each other.

Just so you know how much I killed the night by over analyzing your latest message for me that time.

Just so you know how tough efforts I put just to look happily normal so that you might not know the battle I faced everyday.

Just so you know how many times I tried so hard not give any response once you appeared again after been a while.

Just so you know how sore my chest once I saw something that reminds me of you, reminds me of us.

Just so you know that I tried to comprehend so well about every beginning must have an ending so that the pain would vanish slowly.

Just so you know how much I talked to my own mind about you as only one of the words that I should have just skipped in my chapter.

Just so you know how strong the remorse I felt as much as the yearning of the daily talk we used to have.

Just so you know how much you have succeed to convince myself for starting to love and to be loved again.

Just so you know how pain this heart when I woke up hoping your text would popped up and welcoming my fuzzy morning.

Just so you know that when you decided to stop everything between us, I started doubting my self again;
Of my worthiness, of my value, of my existence, and of love that I tried so hard to believe again.

Just so you know that when you chose to eventually walk away, I wanted to slap my own self and told that these all weren’t supposed to ever happen. At all.

Just so you know, but do you?

It’s Time To Walk Away From Those Who Only Think You As An Option

You are not a paper test on the high school. Your life is not a multiple choices that people can only pick you as an option. You are not an object among items on the market alley. Your existence is not without a unique purpose that people can consider you just as the same with other.

You are obviously not a karaoke voucher given at the end of the year. You breathe for a reason that people can not use you only when they are convenient.

You are not a rest area along a distant highway. Your presence is not a pit stop that people can come and go without thinking to stay at all. You are not just a random number in the old cell phone. You might be available all the time but not for those who only think of you when they are lonely and alone.

You are definitely not a spare tire hanged on the back of a car. You can be everyone’s rescuer but it doesn’t mean you are only people’s back up, people’s plan B.

You are not a giggling doll sold in the Ebay. You might always want to entertain people but not for those who call you on the night when they are sober but then forgetting you on the next morning.

And seriously, you are not a customer service of the cable tv provider you subscribed. You can pick up anyone’s call any time but not for those who call you only when they have a bonus package.

Who do they think they are?

You know what, no one in this life wants to be considered only as an option. Each of one do want to be someone’s priority, or at least with the equivalent dose we prioritize them. We want to be wanted just as much as we want them. Equally because life should be balance. Even we know that life is about choosing an option, it doesn’t mean you can let people always treat you only as their option.

You deserve to be someone’s today’s special, just like how special a chef thinking and treating you as a good table, everyday.

You are worth more than being a daily topic list on your favorite website, you are worth as an editorial’s pick just as much as editorial team pick deliberately to serve you as the only one, everyday. You deserve to be someone’s signature dish that they put a huge effort just to get you and when they do, they will feel satisfied and enough.

Yes. Always being an option are tiring, exhausting, and irritating.

It is when you think you will be the first person who hears someone’s good news but then you only know it from other people, worse than that, someone’s social media. It is when you think you will be the only one who is invited for the special concert but then you know that someone decides to go with someone else. It is when you up all night and wait for someone’s call but after a week there was just nothing. And then when you try to accept the reality that you are only someone’s option, they just pop up in your life again without feeling guilty.

Seriously, who do they think they are?

For those who can only make a fool of your kindness and existence in their lives, show them that you are not.

Show them that you can survive without them. Show them that your life even brighter without they are living in it. That you are so much happier and it’s more than okay not to have them in your life. Because once they consider you only as an option, they will never take you as a priority.

And you have to show them that you worth as a priority. But if they still can’t see it, it’s the right time to walk away.

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The Days I Fight So Hard, If Only You Knew

Who doesn’t like the euphoria of falling with someone?
The morning when you wake up with the reason to smile. The night you spend with overnight call until you feel your eyes are glued but you don’t want to give up the call. The day when he or she finally asks you when you both are going to meet. The second when you see him or her and you want to freeze the moment at least for longer times.
In fact, everybody addicts to the chemical reaction in their gut when they are falling in love. The very first starting point of relationship that is a whole better than a bar of chocolate. It excites you, it boosts you, and even it drives you crazy. The mechanism that is  stronger than a doping pil. It energizes you too.
We love the idea of having someone to crush with. And even it crushes our heart too because the name itself is crush. 
It crushes your heart when you see their name popping up on your screen. It crushes your heart when you hear their electrical voices. It crushes your heart just by a simple question from them asking how your day was. It crushes your heart when they say a little thing that reminding them of you. It even crushes your heart by coincidentally listening to a song that you both like it somewhere. 
It feels like there is a butterfly in your belly tickling you but you like that sensation. Moreover, you addict on it. The addiction that sometimes crushes your heart more in pieces.
It crushes you more when they don’t text you unreasonably. It crushes you more when there is no call at all during a week. It crushes you more when you play over the memory you have with them recently and kind of starving for it. It crushes you more simply by overanalyzing if you are good enough to keep their attention to you. And it crushes you more just by hoping their hello at the end of your bad day.
We seem are a pseudomasochist because we let our heart in pain just because we love crushing with them. And even we have tough days to fight for.
It is the day when you have a tremendous battle between your feeling toward them and the fact that you have already know. It is the day when you have to fight the urge of texting them first while they are ghosting you. It is the day when you are slapped by your own mind because you know you can’t hope anything from your undefined and almost relationship. It is the day when you struggle so hard to fight the thought that if they meant to call you, they would. It is the day when you miss them so freakingly hard but you restrain yourself not to tell them. Because ego is a hell of drug. And it is the day when you wait them to schedule your meetup without any sudden cancellation.
It is tough, darling. The days that we fight so hard for any feeling attached toward them. And it crushes us more for hoping they would know. If only.

Are Some People Meant To Be Born As A Player?

First, let’s just set the common perception about a player.

We refer a player in here as a person who likes to play a mind and psychological game in order to attract people in their surrounding, especially their opposite sex. With or without relationship attached, with or without an obvious reason.

I’m sure that you might ever meet or even have a relationship with these kind of people, a player in your life. It perhaps you just didn’t know that they were or you did but you kept things going because you just curious of how things would go. Maybe, by thinking that they would change for you.

While unfortunately, they didn’t. At all.

It’s hard not to admit that a player often has a certain irresistable charm for us.

They often look somehow attractive, good looking, talkative, nice, even popular in their own way. It’s just inevitable that we somehow eventually tricked on their sex appeal. It could be the way they socialize, the way they think about some matters, or maybe it’s just the charm of their physical appearance.

The problem comes when we are getting to know closer with them, we realize that they just try to attract us so that we could join the ‘fanbase’ they have been making along this time. We might notice this from their social medias. If you are a guy, you notice that there are tons of ‘oh girl you look so beautiful, when are we gonna meet?’ comments on her every posting that end up being unreplied. If you are a girl, you see it from how much he spreads the love buttons along with leaving the ‘hey girl you look cute as always’ comment in many of ladies’ postings. Crap.

It’s actually easy to know if someone is player.

As a human, either you are a guy or girl, we have an instinct, a gut feeling that tells us something implicitly, including this case. But at worst, even if we know that perhaps it’s not only us getting hurt by them, we still feel that hurt. Knowing that the attention they gave to us was actually not too special. They sell it to everyone.

So, the question comes after that is whether some people meant to be born as a player?

M. Farouk Radwan tells that there are certain reasons people end up by being a player and I could highlight that it is all about the insecurity.

A player who often stands up as a confident (sometimes over confident) person is actually not that confident. They even are still trying to reassure their selves by getting a validation from the other. Yes, it’s like they are needing a prove from outward so bad. Because they still couldn’t discover their very own selves, they need an approval from others. They hunger for their ‘oh you are so attractive and good looking that I can’t even resist’ just to make sure that they are. They thirst of ‘I miss you and I want to be on your side’ just to know that their presence are needed.

Many of players are actually craving for the feeling of being wanted and desired.

No wonder, if you are currently making a relationship with someone like this, you are often trapped being ghosted. Five days in a row he or she was so clingy and showering you with their attention, and the next two weeks he or she would just disappeared from your orbit. No text, no call, nothing but they kept updating their social lives online. The strongest reason is that they want you to want them. They want you to prioritize them by showing that you are not always their priority. Ouch.

So, what shall we do if we fall for these kind of people?

Stop feeding them a validation they always seek from us.

I know that we love to play a game since we were child. But it’s a big no no for these kind of mind and psychological games. We will be wounded, especially our self-esteem and our self-regard. Because, once we are surviving them, letting our own selves tricked in their games, we will often fall in a feeling of insecure. We will doubting ourselves many times because of feeling not enough for them. Especially when they start to spread their hook and play as a ghost. We will slowly lose our value and self-love by feeling not worthy for them.

It might be hard at the first because as I said before, they somehow have a very strong magnetic charm that we often can’t resist. But, how many times will we let them playing our psychological feeling? How many chance will we give for them to threat our mental health?

All I could say, let the player play while we love the lover. Shake it off!

Dear All Women, Regardless Your Messy Self, You Still Are So Much Worth

For you who silently cry in the bathroom every night, try to hide your tears, just because he says that you are not good in your dress or any other clothes you pick to wear.

For you who always stare at the mirror and doubt yourself, just because he never tells how beautiful you are and keeps criticizing your look instead.

For you who always try so hard by wearing a mask, a thick one, just so you can be able to please him by being someone else he idealizes the most, and he keeps comparing you to her.

For you who often hold back the pain and calm your emotion down, every time he only focuses to talk about himself without even try to ask your opinion.

For you whose self-esteem is actually wounded, just because he always highlights himself and his life as the most important and best one, and he thinks that yours is not.

For you who actually feel tired of never expressing yourself, just because he never gives you any chance of that, he does not even think you deserve one.

For you who sob yourself out every night on the edge of your bed, every time he does not give you any call, any text, but keep updating himself over his social media, partying with other girls.

For you who never miss any second on the rack of your insecurities, wondering if you are enough for him, just because he seems always feel does not quite satisfied about your both relationship.

For you who start thinking that you might already lose yourself value, just because again, he always overruns you with his wiseacre advice as if he knows everything better than you.

And girls, for you who is desperately notice that you have reached your limit but you still stuck on him, just because you think there will be no one else wanting you as he does, in fact he never does.

You are so much worth for every own and way.

You are a significant one that no one can judge you just based on the price of your shoes, or the color of your skin that he might think does not fit with your dress.

You are a pulchritudinous without needing any validation from other that even he tells that you do not have any curves, or your curves ain’t really good, just goddamn throw those words away.

You are an authentic pure human being live on this earth, that even Adam Levine marries Behati Prinslo, you do not really need to push yourself trying to copy her.

You are a harmoniously chic river flow on the mountain, that you deserve to keep your mental hygiene fine and well without anyone else trying to contaminate you, not even him.

You and your life are a precious one which resulted from the selection of thousands or even million sperms, that God only choose you to have a gasp in this life.

You are a super massive blast which sparkles spread over the beautiful night skies, that no one can hold you to show up your shining light, not even him.

You and the time that you have are having a great value that does not deserve to be wasted just for waiting his enunciation because he is not the daily newspaper you subscribed.

You are born with a meaningful purpose in your own life, that is not always about him because you are not satisfactory machine for him, you have your own mission.

You are a genuine, strong, and independent woman that has already chosen your value, that no one can hold your step back and take a granted for everything you are.

And dear beautiful creature with a full bless who read this now, you are worth more than a guy who only can drag and let your wings down, let him go.

Because dear, there is no point of keeping someone who can not give you a guarantee of being your own self. There is no point of surviving a relationship that can not make us love and see our own selves.

You do not really need someone who can not help you meet and madly in love with yourself instead of pretending to be anyone else.

In which, it will only grow the insecurity and doubt within you fertile and it definitely kill your own precious inner goddess.

Let him go because you are so worth in every own and way.

Release yourself from him, break the cage that he or perhaps you have made, and please do not ever scared of waving goodbye without expecting to meet again, just fckin let him go.

Because once you can free up yourself from all of these poisonous corrosive prison, you will realize that even if you have tons of flaws, you are still beautiful in your own way.

And all you need is just someone who can respect it properly.

For The Stranger Who Talk With Me Every Night: Thank You For Making Me Feeling This Way

I don’t know who you are.

You came out of nowhere, you popped up just like a spam comes to my e-mail inbox.

You brought various stuffs to talk every day. The images of your cute puppy, the warm blanket that used to cover your chill body, the meal you have just cooked, the scars you got from your fire fighter training, the instructor you hate the most, the story of how much you hate traveling with that express train, the busy day that makes you feel sorry for not talking to me afterwards, the Notebook that kept you binge-watching until dawn and you made me do the same because you kept talking to me those nights.

You know what, I don’t really know who you are.

It was awkward and annoying when you popped up just like that. You left a big question mark hanging on my head. Who are you? Why do I need to hear all of your story? Why do I need to talk with someone whom I don’t really know?

Then, in other days, you just gone. You stopped talking with me. And it really did not matter to me because I don’t really know you. And I don’t think we need to keep the thing going. Day by day flies and then all of sudden, you appeared again.

You said you had a tough final test and things going on. You were sorry, again, because you really had no time to talk with me. Not even handed some phone with you. You told me that you suddenly thinking of me when I asked you whether something happened. Because you know? I don’t really have a freaking idea of who you are. I don’t really bloody understand why you did sorry to me. What for.

But I don’t know why, even if you are like a spam delivered into my inbox, or like a bug in the program, or like a cache on my mobile application;

I would like to thank you.

I don’t realize that it is you who kill all the voice inside my mind every night. It is you that boost up my decreased confidence. It is you who makes me feel like I have another dimension of untouched life. Even if I know you are just joking and lying but it is you who says I look younger than I supposed to be. And it is you who tells me that my family is lucky to have me.

Dear stranger who talk with me every night;

Thank you for making me feeling like this.

Thank you for ease my tired heart. Thank you for making me feeling like I am existed and not just about breathing. Thank you for whatever reason keep sharing your burden and days to me.

I wish we could really know each other well up until you are no longer stranger for me.  

I Don’t Lose You

I don’t lose you;

When you’re not even mine,

When we’re not even knowing each other,

When we’re just totally stranger,

Or

When you’re not even see us as us.

 

I don’t lose you;

 

When our hands never entangled,

When you walk out often,

When I can only see me and you see you,

Or

When the stars above always separate us.

 

I don’t lose you;

 

When I just don’t want to let you go,

When I can’t stop doubting;

Would you take my hand?

Cause I just don’t lose you.

I don’t want to.

Are You Sure You Have Known Enough About Care?

Let’s talk about care.

What is actually care means in your opinion? Is it when you want to know a lot about someone? Oh no, perhaps it is just a curiosity. Is it when you try to warn off someone just because you don’t want to see them hurt? I don’t know, probably it is just a possessive act. Or is it when you still make a same effort even if they look a little annoyed by it? Well, probably it is just you who put the screws on it.

Just like love, admire, affection, and even hatred, care is something that very abstract to be defined and measured.

You can’t say someone cares just because they talk a lot with others, they ask a lot about others, they comment so much in other’s posts, or just because they state it by themselves (“I do this because I care a lot about you!” #meh)

Nor, you can’t say someone doesn’t really care just because they seldom ask about you, they don’t really look like they have an attention toward you, or maybe just because they look like they don’t want to know about your life any more.

Care can’t only be defined with that physical indicators even if someone probably tries to show it in that way. So, is it wrong for us to try showing our care and attention obviously to the others?

The answer will always be the same: It depends.

Personally, I say that I will always respect and moved by the act of someone’s care to me. Like, when I was in my toughest day then he/she came and asked me, “Are you okay?” or even they didn’t say anything but bringing me my favorite meal or ice cream instead. Or when they warned me off because they knew that I would have some hard times if I took a decision that they thought it could be wrong. I mean, who doesn’t like to be cared?

But again, when we care about someone, it doesn’t mean we can do anything to them just to show it. Care is not something that limited only to certain acts.

When we care about someone, it’s better for us to consider how to show it too.

If we do it in that way, would it make them feel better or even worse? Would it make them feel being cared or even being isolated? Would it make them feel okay or even make them feel being judged? Then, is it the right time to show it in our ways? Or, probably is it better to give them space and delay it until we could care them?

Why.

Because, sometimes, all that someone needs when they face a tough problem is just a space.

Space so that they can re-think about their problems and their behavior that made it. Space so that they just need to take a break and a deep breath and contemplate about their decisions or mistakes. In that time, perhaps they don’t really need our judgmental and too much statements. They don’t need us to drown them with the feeling of ‘oh-my-god-these-are-all-my-faults’. They don’t really give a damn with our care intention behind all of it. Because all that they really need is just a space. And a little tender caresses on their back.

What I am trying to say here is that it’s good if we have an intention to care with other. But, the way we wrap and show it up are very much important.

How could someone know that we care to them if we just act like we are the rightest person on earth? How could someone feel our love if all that we show it are just full of hatred and arrogant words (even if what we stated was right)? And how could we pour our care if all that we want was not prevent them from something bad, but just to show off that we are better and righter than them?

Words, people. Words are sharper than a sword.

If we can’t choose the right words to calm down someone’s tough life or problem, we’d rather be just silent and wait until they contemplate their lives first.

Because many times in a hard day, an open arms is much better than an open lips.

Except for a kiss.

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