Life

Cut Off All The Bridging And Stop Feeding Yourself A Mixed-Signal

Do you think that your current Facebook status will be understood by the person you targeted?
Do you expect that your sudden missing manner will send the right signal to the person you wished to?

Do you even think that your silence will make them notice that you actually want to be heard?
Do you wish that the way you give a very short text back will make them wondering if there is something wrong with you?
Do you hope that when you put some deep pathetic quotes on your Instagram will be received as some hint for them?
That when they finally realize you are acting different and they ask you why, you will just say that you are okay and nothing is happening?

 

The truth is that many times people are busy with their own life and problem.

Their daily happy routine. Their fave cup of coffee. The song they fancy the most. Even the complaints from their boss and clients. The high stack of their daily task that soon need to be done. The bills they receive from letter in their mailbox. The tired heart they try to fight every morning.

They have their own business to handle everyday and keeping an attention to interpret all your bridging and signal is no longer necessary for them.

They don’t have a time and they don’t want to spare a time for it. Because again, they also have their own life.
And if you hate getting a mixed signal from people because you are tired to seek all the meaning behind it by yourself, just stop sending them yours first.

 

Stop thinking that it will be good for you telling them implicitly rather than frontally. Stop hoping that all those hints you send will be properly decoded by them. Stop wanting them to understand what inside your mind every night.

Stop it and just cut off all the bridging. Tell them instead. Clear and bright.

If you miss them but they never have a time for you, just tell them that you thirst for their hours. If you angry with them because of the latest conversation you have, just shout it and fix it until it gets right. If you always be the one who tries to keep things go between you both, just freaking say that you need them to do it too, so that your relationship will be balanced. And if you doubt about your feeling toward them because they sometimes send the puzzling signal, ask them. Ask them whether they really want to stay with you.
They are not a fortune teller, not a paranormal, nor a spiritualist. They can’t peek inside your heart, they can’t hear you feeling, they can’t always see what’s your real meaning, that’s why you need to seriously tell them.

 

Because if you keep bound in this kind of hoping game, it is you the one that will eventually get hurt. It is you the one that will feel as if they don’t want to understand you. And it is you the one that finally will just let them go again because you think they don’t want to keep you. In fact they just have no idea of how to do it. Just let them know.

*

 

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What It’s Like To Regret For Ever Meeting You

Just so you know how many times I deleted your number and told myself that I would never want to talk with you again.

Just so you know how much I kept myself busy just so that there would be no space in my mind to even think about you.

Just so you know how hard I struggled to overcome the urge every time you said you want to meet me.

Just so you know that I held my heart so hard until I felt numb every second I thought that we were meant for each other.

Just so you know how much I killed the night by over analyzing your latest message for me that time.

Just so you know how tough efforts I put just to look happily normal so that you might not know the battle I faced everyday.

Just so you know how many times I tried so hard not give any response once you appeared again after been a while.

Just so you know how sore my chest once I saw something that reminds me of you, reminds me of us.

Just so you know that I tried to comprehend so well about every beginning must have an ending so that the pain would vanish slowly.

Just so you know how much I talked to my own mind about you as only one of the words that I should have just skipped in my chapter.

Just so you know how strong the remorse I felt as much as the yearning of the daily talk we used to have.

Just so you know how much you have succeed to convince myself for starting to love and to be loved again.

Just so you know how pain this heart when I woke up hoping your text would popped up and welcoming my fuzzy morning.

Just so you know that when you decided to stop everything between us, I started doubting my self again;
Of my worthiness, of my value, of my existence, and of love that I tried so hard to believe again.

Just so you know that when you chose to eventually walk away, I wanted to slap my own self and told that these all weren’t supposed to ever happen. At all.

Just so you know, but do you?

Here Is For You Who Is Thinking To End Your Life

Dear you,

I understand that this life is tough, rough, and sheer. As well as I know that not everyone notice about it. Many times we lose our grip and go astern being a sophist who seems lose our way. Not a few times we have to let go things we love the most. Often we feel like we are far left behind compared to our surrounding. We think that we are the only one whose life is messed up. Our visions and dreams are scattered everywhere and it seems like it’s too hard to put those all back together. Every step we take seems like brings us nowhere. Our goal is getting farer that it seems impossible to reach it. It’s like there is no point of waking up every morning.

I know that you might be hard to see the light in the end of tunnel. It seems like you are blinded, all you can see is darkness. All you can hear is an uproar of annoying noise. And all you can do is just sitting in the back of your locked door, wondering if it’s better for you not to be born at all. You feel pointless, wasted, and unavailin. A fool for one’s pains.

I do see that at this very time, you are getting numb. You can’t feel your own feeling, you can’t touch your own heart, and you can’t see your own shadow. You really don’t have any idea of how to live like a normal being. Even breathing seems like a hard work for you. You don’t want to see a mirror because you just hate yourself so much that you can’t even see your own reflection.

And dear you,

I can surely understand that when you come to the very bottom of your life like this, you might leave of your own senses. You only want to be alone but you are also obsessed to get along with people. You want to laugh hard as much as you want to cry out loud. You want to love and to be loved but you also hate everybody so much, even your parents and your friends. You feel like being alienated. You think that the universe never get along with you. You feel alone in these crowded earth.

And at this very climax of your suffering heart, I understand that you start thinking you are a messed, ripped, and cluttered. Your self is broken in pieces but nobody can see it. You begin to wonder if you are getting crazy and abnormal. You are scared of ended up by having a mental illness and everyone will just leave you eventually. In fact, each of us somehow surely have a certain kind of psychological disorder. And it’s not just you.

And dear, I also know when you are walking through the high bridge, you might think to just jump. Or when you hand a knife while slicing a meat, you might think it’s better for you slicing your wrist instead. Or when you pour a disinfectant, the thought of drinking it up ever crosses your mind. You think, what’s the point of surviving now when you no longer have a reason to keep breathing.

I really understand it well.

But dear, I tell you something. A secret that you might never think before.

If you are thinking that your life is lost and your steps lead to nowhere, just being a wanderer. Many times, a wanderer will find their own special place that nobody knows it. If you are thinking that you don’t understand your own feeling, just talk to them. Sometimes, talking to your own self is the best way to getting know your own feeling.

And if you are thinking of how ripped you are, that’s what makes you a masterpiece. Your each piece is worth more than anything and that’s what makes you special.

Life is hard, I know. You feel like you can’t hang on because it’s too much loads on your back, I know. You think that no one can understand you, maybe you just need to communicate it. Don’t supress your burdens alone. People are there for you.

And if you think that quitting your life is a best solution; it ain’t.

Dear you,

If you are feeling too tired to continue your life, too exhausted to open your eyes, just take times to rest. Do whatever you like. If you want to sleep, go sleep. If you want to get wild and scream out loud, just do it. If you want to go somewhere expensive, just go. All you need to do is don’t quit. Don’t cut your life. Don’t finish it now. Because someone somewhere out there is hoping to have you in their life.

So, stay alive and stay breathing.

It’s Time To Walk Away From Those Who Only Think You As An Option

You are not a paper test on the high school. Your life is not a multiple choices that people can only pick you as an option. You are not an object among items on the market alley. Your existence is not without a unique purpose that people can consider you just as the same with other.

You are obviously not a karaoke voucher given at the end of the year. You breathe for a reason that people can not use you only when they are convenient.

You are not a rest area along a distant highway. Your presence is not a pit stop that people can come and go without thinking to stay at all. You are not just a random number in the old cell phone. You might be available all the time but not for those who only think of you when they are lonely and alone.

You are definitely not a spare tire hanged on the back of a car. You can be everyone’s rescuer but it doesn’t mean you are only people’s back up, people’s plan B.

You are not a giggling doll sold in the Ebay. You might always want to entertain people but not for those who call you on the night when they are sober but then forgetting you on the next morning.

And seriously, you are not a customer service of the cable tv provider you subscribed. You can pick up anyone’s call any time but not for those who call you only when they have a bonus package.

Who do they think they are?

You know what, no one in this life wants to be considered only as an option. Each of one do want to be someone’s priority, or at least with the equivalent dose we prioritize them. We want to be wanted just as much as we want them. Equally because life should be balance. Even we know that life is about choosing an option, it doesn’t mean you can let people always treat you only as their option.

You deserve to be someone’s today’s special, just like how special a chef thinking and treating you as a good table, everyday.

You are worth more than being a daily topic list on your favorite website, you are worth as an editorial’s pick just as much as editorial team pick deliberately to serve you as the only one, everyday. You deserve to be someone’s signature dish that they put a huge effort just to get you and when they do, they will feel satisfied and enough.

Yes. Always being an option are tiring, exhausting, and irritating.

It is when you think you will be the first person who hears someone’s good news but then you only know it from other people, worse than that, someone’s social media. It is when you think you will be the only one who is invited for the special concert but then you know that someone decides to go with someone else. It is when you up all night and wait for someone’s call but after a week there was just nothing. And then when you try to accept the reality that you are only someone’s option, they just pop up in your life again without feeling guilty.

Seriously, who do they think they are?

For those who can only make a fool of your kindness and existence in their lives, show them that you are not.

Show them that you can survive without them. Show them that your life even brighter without they are living in it. That you are so much happier and it’s more than okay not to have them in your life. Because once they consider you only as an option, they will never take you as a priority.

And you have to show them that you worth as a priority. But if they still can’t see it, it’s the right time to walk away.

*

Dear All Women, Regardless Your Messy Self, You Still Are So Much Worth

For you who silently cry in the bathroom every night, try to hide your tears, just because he says that you are not good in your dress or any other clothes you pick to wear.

For you who always stare at the mirror and doubt yourself, just because he never tells how beautiful you are and keeps criticizing your look instead.

For you who always try so hard by wearing a mask, a thick one, just so you can be able to please him by being someone else he idealizes the most, and he keeps comparing you to her.

For you who often hold back the pain and calm your emotion down, every time he only focuses to talk about himself without even try to ask your opinion.

For you whose self-esteem is actually wounded, just because he always highlights himself and his life as the most important and best one, and he thinks that yours is not.

For you who actually feel tired of never expressing yourself, just because he never gives you any chance of that, he does not even think you deserve one.

For you who sob yourself out every night on the edge of your bed, every time he does not give you any call, any text, but keep updating himself over his social media, partying with other girls.

For you who never miss any second on the rack of your insecurities, wondering if you are enough for him, just because he seems always feel does not quite satisfied about your both relationship.

For you who start thinking that you might already lose yourself value, just because again, he always overruns you with his wiseacre advice as if he knows everything better than you.

And girls, for you who is desperately notice that you have reached your limit but you still stuck on him, just because you think there will be no one else wanting you as he does, in fact he never does.

You are so much worth for every own and way.

You are a significant one that no one can judge you just based on the price of your shoes, or the color of your skin that he might think does not fit with your dress.

You are a pulchritudinous without needing any validation from other that even he tells that you do not have any curves, or your curves ain’t really good, just goddamn throw those words away.

You are an authentic pure human being live on this earth, that even Adam Levine marries Behati Prinslo, you do not really need to push yourself trying to copy her.

You are a harmoniously chic river flow on the mountain, that you deserve to keep your mental hygiene fine and well without anyone else trying to contaminate you, not even him.

You and your life are a precious one which resulted from the selection of thousands or even million sperms, that God only choose you to have a gasp in this life.

You are a super massive blast which sparkles spread over the beautiful night skies, that no one can hold you to show up your shining light, not even him.

You and the time that you have are having a great value that does not deserve to be wasted just for waiting his enunciation because he is not the daily newspaper you subscribed.

You are born with a meaningful purpose in your own life, that is not always about him because you are not satisfactory machine for him, you have your own mission.

You are a genuine, strong, and independent woman that has already chosen your value, that no one can hold your step back and take a granted for everything you are.

And dear beautiful creature with a full bless who read this now, you are worth more than a guy who only can drag and let your wings down, let him go.

Because dear, there is no point of keeping someone who can not give you a guarantee of being your own self. There is no point of surviving a relationship that can not make us love and see our own selves.

You do not really need someone who can not help you meet and madly in love with yourself instead of pretending to be anyone else.

In which, it will only grow the insecurity and doubt within you fertile and it definitely kill your own precious inner goddess.

Let him go because you are so worth in every own and way.

Release yourself from him, break the cage that he or perhaps you have made, and please do not ever scared of waving goodbye without expecting to meet again, just fckin let him go.

Because once you can free up yourself from all of these poisonous corrosive prison, you will realize that even if you have tons of flaws, you are still beautiful in your own way.

And all you need is just someone who can respect it properly.

Because We Are Still Young, Options Are Everywhere

Have you ever been crushing to someone and hoping that he or she will just belong with you?

Ever since and then, you feel like you want to own them, just by your self. You become easy to feel curious, suspicious, or even jealous if they give their attention to the other. You don’t want them to hangout, call, text, or even just hit the like button of other’s Instagram! You feel like—he or she is mine and no one could belong him or her but me. Duh, sounds so possessive, isn’t it?

Chill out, I tell you, that is normal.

It is the feeling that growing from fancying to liking to loving and want to owning. But, have you ever thought as a person that has just entered someone’s middle chapter? Many times when I meet new people and we start getting closer, I tend to think that I am just a new person who is walking through his or her life. I don’t even know what the story before the chapter I walk in. That perhaps, he or she has already had someone special in their lives. That perhaps, he or she has already had some routines that not including me and they have been just fine. And that perhaps, I will just mean nothing in their lives.

So, I talk with someone about this poignant feeling that often happen to me. You know what that person said to me?

You are still young, so does he or she, you guys still have another options, and you both are frankly allowed to choose.

It’s really provoking me. Damn, it is right! Along this whole time, I only kept myself busy by thinking ‘what ifs’. What if he or she don’t like my existence in their lives? What if we don’t go well afterward? What if I will just be the reader of his or her chapter and not the character? What if I mean nothing for him or her? These insecurities are killing me.

In fact, I should have just kicked that kind of thought and just explored other options that I might had these times. Instead of worrying about my meaning to their lives, I could just let it chill. Because I also have options to explore, right? Because WE still have zillions options to try. So, let it be, catch the fishes out there and have some fun journey!

*

This Is How Similar Getting A New Job With Getting A New Lover

Drama is everywhere and it also happens in working.

Started when we were a newbie in office, the shy one, up until we have to wave goodbye and move on to the other office. Especially when we have a certain kind of strong bonding with the old office. It will not be easy to just move and adapt with new one. And I think, it somehow has a similarity with building a new relationship.

It was when we just resigned from the previous office after having lots of drama behind. The pain was still there and so did the memory. Days after that, we tend to have such a feeling of want to try a new thing but still can’t let go the old one. For me, it took some days to completely focus on seeking new opportunities. Just like our relationship, or maybe this one is harder. When we have just broken up with our lover, the healing took times.

It depends on how strong the bonding we had.

And then when the opportunity comes, we might feel excited about that. We think that this perhaps will lead to a better one. We attend the interview and selection with many hopes we bring with us. But the challenge is not finished there. When we walk into the new office will be, we start scanning around and badly, comparing to the old one. Then the thought comes, I don’t think I can feel comfy here. We-start-doubting-your-decision.

But show must go on, right? We keep going and we know that this time we need to choose the better one, the job that might settle us at least for 2 years ahead. Not the one that only give us a temporary slight comfy. So, we become a little bit picky because we don’t want to make another mistake. And when it doesn’t go well, we will be just okay. It’s better to have a rocky road in the beginning than drown in the big wave afterward, we assume.

So, we keep pushing our selves to walk. We seek, send resume, attend the interview and selection, make negotiation, over and over. Up until we start feeling exhausted. We feel tired to only walk from one opportunity to the other without having a real certainty. Just like meeting tons of new guys without having a real serious one. It is tiring somehow and we know it.

But there is one thing we can learn from both, seeking new guys and seeking new offices: We can’t avoid making a mistake in this life. Mistake is a part of our steps and so does the pain from the aftermath.

Even we think that we have chosen and done the best, the mistake will still be there at some point. But we have to also remember, mistake and failure are just bruises, not a tattoo. All we need to do is just keep going. We are gonna make it.

You are gonna make it.

*

Being A Writer; The Easiest Getaway

Let me share you something.
I have been working for an Instagram project. And it demands me to enhance my Korean ability. That is why I become more often texting with my Korean pen pal. We have known each other like almost 3 months. I used to depend my vocabulary searching on translation such as Google. But, after I have been learning Korean too for around 2 months, I know that Google Translate for Korean is really invalid.

Because I stucked tonight, I asked my Korean pen pal. My Instagram project mostly consists of romantic and love lines, anyway. The sentence that made me confused was: “Can I call you mine?”

That then I asked him. One good thing from that man, even if he often makes a fun of me because I have a weird Korean pronounciation, but he always explain and answer my question. So did tonight. He translated it in most common familiar Korean sentences so that it sounds very natural. But the funny thing was that he said this:

“Really, have you just found a new date?”

This is why even if I have a Korean pen pal, I don’t want to ask them translating my writing lines. I will have to explain it over and over. But somehow, the chat between us tonight also reminds me of why I love being a writer. 

You could be anyone, you could experience anything, you could imagine everything while you are being a writer.

Just like Eleanor said in “Eleanor and Park”, why do you write? For escape. I really could feel it. Writing and reading are such a free and easy getaway from a real life. A life that feels like having a high wall preventing us from experiencing the impossibility.

Books, mostly from fiction authors provide lots of world that we never experienced before, without the need to literally experience it. Like, how the life of prostitute, the painful life of a man who befriend with a depression woman, the astronauts life, and s on. And even how the feeling of being loved by a perfect human being. 

So does writing. I feel like writing has always been a good way to channel my moods. We could run into the moon and galaxy, we could be a famous singer who have a scandal with a murderer, or even being a murderer in our own stories. That’s really why I love being a writer, for money or for fun.

The hard thing happens not only when we as a writer feel stuck and not getting any idea for writing. But moreover, when we start questioning ourselves, am I really a writer while I don’t feel good enough in writing anything?
Well, well, well.

But anyhow, up until now, I will still love the way of being a writer. With or without a social approval.

Anyway, I suddenly wonder, what if my Instagram project mostly about a crime and murder.  I could not imagine how shocked he would if I asked him:

“I will kill you tonight with my own sharp knife.”

This Is How The Waiting Game Crushes Ourselves But We Still Let It Be

Do you know what makes us feel pain in the ass?

We are waiting for the sun down when it has just already risen. We are waiting for another Saturdays and Sundays when our Monday has just already began. We are waiting for someone to call when he or she says so. We are waiting for the lunch when we have just skipped the breakfast. We are waiting for another opportunity when we have just lost the chance intentionally. We are waiting for another yes when we actually have much time to prove that we deserve that kind of yes. And, we are waiting for someone who is right when, perhaps, they are all have appeared just in inches from us.

Despite we hate waiting, many times, we are just stuck in the waiting game. Consciously or unconsciously.

And that worsen our dying heart. We always put a hope and expectation in front of us, not in our grip. It is like we tend to feel there will be lots of another better in the next time and it is just not today. Not this second. Thence, we often end up with waiting until that right time for better things come. We are waiting for the finish point that actually ourselves even doubt of its existence. Is that final point really exist?

Yes, zillion times all we do are just counting days.

Days until we accomplish our study, days until we find our first job, days until we finally meet the one, days until we finally get proposed and married, days until we have a baby and have a happy little family, and the ball keeps rolling…

The question is, what if the ball stuck?

What if the day that we believe will come to us, not yet appeared in our eyes? What if we have got no other opportunities? What if we never get the yes that we have been looking for? What if we never meet the one that we believe exist and someday will knock our door?

Some have a wheel that keeps rolling well in their lives, some perhaps have it sunk in the sand. And when our wheel is the one that sunk in, all we can do is fix it so that we can continue our journey, right?

Like, we can not wait someone to pop up just like that. We have to… at least… do something. To figure it out. To let it fixed. To… spend the time we have very right now.

But, yes, even if we know that waiting only put a more pain in our ass, many times, we are stuck in the waiting game.

That traps us to believe, the ‘someday’ we have been believed for so long time will appear. Someday….

Are You Sure You Have Known Enough About Care?

Let’s talk about care.

What is actually care means in your opinion? Is it when you want to know a lot about someone? Oh no, perhaps it is just a curiosity. Is it when you try to warn off someone just because you don’t want to see them hurt? I don’t know, probably it is just a possessive act. Or is it when you still make a same effort even if they look a little annoyed by it? Well, probably it is just you who put the screws on it.

Just like love, admire, affection, and even hatred, care is something that very abstract to be defined and measured.

You can’t say someone cares just because they talk a lot with others, they ask a lot about others, they comment so much in other’s posts, or just because they state it by themselves (“I do this because I care a lot about you!” #meh)

Nor, you can’t say someone doesn’t really care just because they seldom ask about you, they don’t really look like they have an attention toward you, or maybe just because they look like they don’t want to know about your life any more.

Care can’t only be defined with that physical indicators even if someone probably tries to show it in that way. So, is it wrong for us to try showing our care and attention obviously to the others?

The answer will always be the same: It depends.

Personally, I say that I will always respect and moved by the act of someone’s care to me. Like, when I was in my toughest day then he/she came and asked me, “Are you okay?” or even they didn’t say anything but bringing me my favorite meal or ice cream instead. Or when they warned me off because they knew that I would have some hard times if I took a decision that they thought it could be wrong. I mean, who doesn’t like to be cared?

But again, when we care about someone, it doesn’t mean we can do anything to them just to show it. Care is not something that limited only to certain acts.

When we care about someone, it’s better for us to consider how to show it too.

If we do it in that way, would it make them feel better or even worse? Would it make them feel being cared or even being isolated? Would it make them feel okay or even make them feel being judged? Then, is it the right time to show it in our ways? Or, probably is it better to give them space and delay it until we could care them?

Why.

Because, sometimes, all that someone needs when they face a tough problem is just a space.

Space so that they can re-think about their problems and their behavior that made it. Space so that they just need to take a break and a deep breath and contemplate about their decisions or mistakes. In that time, perhaps they don’t really need our judgmental and too much statements. They don’t need us to drown them with the feeling of ‘oh-my-god-these-are-all-my-faults’. They don’t really give a damn with our care intention behind all of it. Because all that they really need is just a space. And a little tender caresses on their back.

What I am trying to say here is that it’s good if we have an intention to care with other. But, the way we wrap and show it up are very much important.

How could someone know that we care to them if we just act like we are the rightest person on earth? How could someone feel our love if all that we show it are just full of hatred and arrogant words (even if what we stated was right)? And how could we pour our care if all that we want was not prevent them from something bad, but just to show off that we are better and righter than them?

Words, people. Words are sharper than a sword.

If we can’t choose the right words to calm down someone’s tough life or problem, we’d rather be just silent and wait until they contemplate their lives first.

Because many times in a hard day, an open arms is much better than an open lips.

Except for a kiss.

*