Life Crisis

​When You Were Only A Snack For Their Starving Ego

You finally noticed, it wasn’t you, it’s them.

You thought, there’s perhaps something wrong with yourself because they never showed their curiosity toward you. They never seemed eager to dig something deeper about you. They didn’t look interested to swim into your life. Even only for casual purposes, they just didn’t.
You thought, this was perhaps just a part of the long way steps. The beginning phase that you needed to understand. The part wherein you had to hold up yourself for revealing anything about you, one by one, just like peeling an onion. Because you assumed, maybe they wanted to know.
You thought, oh probably you needed to re-polish your life so that it could attract them just a little bit more. Cause you didn’t think they were totally uninterested with you. Cause you didn’t see they didn’t want you in their lives. 
They always tried to drag you back everytime you started going away. They always tried to knot their rope every second you decided to cut it off. They always tried to pull you closer that made you thought, oh you guessed you just needed to give them a second chance. And everything might be better. But it wasn’t, they didn’t.
It was not you, it was them.



When they only talked about how they ran their lives in a day-to-day basis without even asking how yours was. When they were busy telling you about what their favorite songs were, or which café they tended to choose, or how their weekend was without even asking you back. Without even giving you seconds to tell yours.
That when you gone missing, because you were just tired of always listening their long fairytale of their own world. Or because you felt like there was no point of keeping this relationship. Or because you wanted to stop caring them; They just came close to you by asking, “Where have you been?” like you were so precious.
And when your stupid foolish mind whispered, yeah just one more chance, and you gave it. By hoping they would change. By wishing they would never be absorbed in their own world again. But they didn’t. And you knew that time, that’s why they wanted you back. Because they only needed a validation of their own existence. They only wanted them to be known, to feel being liked, and to let people entered their “I AM” world.
They just needed you to feed their hunger ego of starving the popularity, the “showcase here my world” program. They would never care about you even if they seemed. Because their only goal was just to make everything focuses only to them. Only about them. And that’s it.
You’re not a snack on the market that they could only pick in the hunger and then leave it on the dustbin. No, you’re not. You deserve even better.

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I Don’t Know Anything Now, But I Feel It’s Better

I read lots of quotes about how a little thing could change you (and perhaps) the way you look at life and people.

The interesting thing from the quote is that it somehow could make us feel as if it is so “us”. But, no. I finally literally understand it well.

Take back the time and see me in years ago.

The me who was very well-planned, (sometimes over) achiever, ambitious, such a very dream chaser, and many times I was a person who couldn’t tolerate a mistake I made. Also, I used to live pleasing people around me. It’s like a mandatory to make them happy and think a good side of me.

I was.

I arranged and constructed everything in a very proper composition. I dreamt big and was very optimistic of it. I thought every effort I make to please people were success. I was satisfied just by having a nice future plan and a nice people who liked me. 

I was.

But for some people, reality doesn’t always goes smoothly. You lose things you didn’t expect before, you make mistake that actually not yours, you are treated badly by a person who you please the most, and your dream seems vanished to the sky just like that. Away.

Time by time, you will stuck in a denial cage. You can’t accept the reality that out of your reach now. You feel so bad about yourself by ever having “a too nice self” in your previous days. You don’t know what you have to do, where you have to go, whom you can trust any more. You feel like “it is better for me not to be born at all.” Do you?

I did. 

But you know what, sometimes “don’t know anything” is a best cure.

As in, when our lives seem like out of scenario, what we need to do, perhaps, is not too much forcing ourselves. Not too hard pushing ourselves to grab everything and put the pieces back. Just… stop to push ourselves in questioning everything. Live in the very present. Day by day.

Stop give a damn of how we always compare our messy life with people’s. It’s really not helping.

If you’re in amidst of searching your love, just be cool in doing it. Don’t give a stupid damn of how your friends getting married earlier than you. It’s their lives, not yours.

If you have just lost your job and you feel like you don’t know where to start. Stop give a shit of your friend’s LinkedIn status update. It’s their lives, not yours. 

If you are trapped in a vicarious circle of your family problems. Come on, do you really think that all the photos they update are look just the way that harmonious like that? 

It’s their lives, not yours. 

When I started to act the way I want to, not because I think of how to be liked by others, or of how it supposed to be, I feel like a half of my burden was gone. 

I know I don’t have a clear vision of my future, and perhaps it’s not as clear as people’s. But at least, I know what I am doing. 

I know I might do something that feels nothing now, but I am sure it will give a value for me.

So, for you who experience the same thing, believe me, “not knowing anything” is sometimes a good cure. 

One point we have to remember, we can stop pushing ourselves too hard, but we can’t stop believing that ourselves deserve something better.

For Those Who Keep Asking: “Do You Feel Lost Because of Getting Out Your Real Root?”

I thought it was only a friend, but then came another persons asking that same question:

“How do you feel doing these things that so out of your real root? How do your family feel about you in this case?”

You know what, it seems that my life has been always unexpectedly out of script. In every way.

 

 

I never wished to be a writer.

I hated reading. So much. My mom had to push me hard just so that I wanted to open a page. I preferred watching Sailor Moon, Cardcaptor Sakura, Goosebumps, or Minky Momo as eating a french fries than enjoying my big brother’s comics. Spending money for books never crossed my mind. It was my big brother that had a huge intention on books. He was a book-arse. He knew Albert Einstein, Abraham Lincoln, Walt Disney, Wrights Brother better than anything in his age. Even he also versed Detective Conan well. My mom always rubbed me in how good we will be if we start falling in love with books and begin to read. But then nothing was changed. I was still a person who hated reading.

 

I wanted to be a skillful and famous guitarist.

My Chemical Romance and some local bands inspired me a lot. I used to argue and had a fight with my mom because I shamed into attending some band concerts when I was a teenager. And perhaps also because I had a relationship with some band folks. I started being a rebel. Like a real rebel. Going home late, trying to do this and that which were too early for a teenage girl. But then I still believed that becoming a band personnel would be the coolest thing in my life.

 

I wished I could be an astronaut. I don’t know why.

Probably after watching Armageddon, The Day After Tomorrow, and that so happening 2012 movie. I obsessed with the universe, the moon, the stars, the galaxies, and everything related to the space. I was always curious about how the lunar eclipse happens, how much time people need to get into the moon, how it is like living in the other planet roaming on the space craft, where I could find the Aurora Borealis and how it can happen. That time, my mom supported me. She’s actually always. But then, willingness I had was not enough. I was too dumb to understand physics and mathematics. Most of all, I hate numbers.

 

Then after my mom gone, it seemed that I was out of control, lost of direction. I didn’t know what I would to be. A musician? An astronaut?

 

I ended up being a sophist, someone who lost the vision.

I tried many tests from various universities with different majors, like architecture, interior design, oceanography, even the fact that I hate numbers, I also endured my self doing a physics test. I passed almost all those exams but I stupidly didn’t take anyone of it. Because I was a sophist. I didn’t know who I wanted to be and where I should go and what I wanted to do.

 

A year after that, I even took psychology major and found my self wanted to be a forensic psychologist. So randomly.

That time, there’s no extrinsic drives moved me. It was really me who wanted to be like that. That time, also there’s no thing dragged my feet. That time, there’s a lot of achievements and compliments along the study I got. I did best, I accomplished great, almost too outstanding. That perhaps, people think it’s too good to be true so that there’s no one really settled for me to work with. Somehow, I could only be a forensic psychologist after taking a post graduate study whose program isn’t available on scholarship yet. That means, it was not only about the skill and knowledge you need, but also the chance and of course money.

 

And here I am now, I don’t have any dream. I don’t wish to be any body. I don’t impose my self for achieving something. I don’t blame anyone, not even my self for not becoming who I wanted to be, for not having what I wanted to have.

I am just me living in the present moment.

Sitting down in front of laptop, making pennies from zillions words I produce everyday, thinking the way of what people say as ‘a writer’ while I keep wondering whether my self is enough to be called as a real writer.

 

So, for you who ask about my feeling or my family’s feeling of me taking a decision to spend the life out of my real root like these days and thought that I must be lost…

My life has been like that long before today, dear. There’s no such difference between having a well-scripted future plan than living in the presents. Not because I am not being someone who I supposed to be then my life stopped. Not because I don’t do and have thing people do and have then I can’t be happy, then I can’t make my family happy.

The thing is that, as long as I keep doing the best, making money, and hoping nothing, everything will be good I guess. And no one is lost as long as they know which steps they should take even if they don’t have any destination yet.

At least, it will not be as painful as you had a well-planned life but got it crushed on the way, right? So, just live today and keep it going, dear. All is good.

**

The Tale For All The Brave Wanderer Who Still Seeking For A Way

This is for the worry that crawls almost every time you close your eyes.

And for the futility people think about what you’ve taken this long.
And for the inferiority at the moment you’re seeing other’s joy.
Also for all of your bewilderment over this conundrum of existence.
And for the endless clueless query nestles in your mind.

This is for the huge irritating vacuum on your empty heart.

And for the deep dark sorrow than ends up with a tear drop on your cheeks.
And for the stuffiness that seems so tight till you can’t breathe any longer.
Also for the powerful dejection detains your heavy eyelids in the night.
And for all of your mystify prayers that seem getting more out of question.

This is for the fighter who feels so lost on your own way home.

And for the wanderer trapped in the mislead maze of aimless direction.
And for the loner falls out of love with the sacred solitude.
And for the unrequited lover decides to full cease the affectionate feeling.
Also for the former champion stands by the break-point of giving up.
Because you feel like all the good things are behind you;

It’s the time to stop grin and bear it. It’s the time to stop hold it back, to stop over.

Even a seat-belt needs looseness so that the passenger could feel more ease.
Even a makeup has a second to be cleaned off and gives the skin time to breathe.
And even a kite yarn needs a little extend so that it could go up higher to the sky.

You shan’t be too hard to your self.

This is only a perishable fleeting life of human being.

Every second out soars-taken by your worries, you will just feel less and less happy.
Any when you push your self too strong, you will just feel weaker and weaker.
And at the time you over blame your self,
for all the mistakes you make, all the wrong steps you take, all the failure you do, all the weakness you own, all the dirt you get, and all the feeling of having fallen behind;

you eventually will just feel so execrable and nasty about your self.

This is the time to put off your tiring mask.

And stand up with your lovely pretentious infirmities.
Dance and jump with the spec and granule of your every follicle.
Go, chase and sweep up the beautiful rainbow that appears after the rain.
Oh, and there are always the sun and the blue sky soon after the storm subsides.
And the moon dust and the lucent stars spread on a wonderful rug of a night skies.
They are your truly companions.

They are belong to an extraordinary supreme charming creature like you.

Drop off your wild-goose to seek for an approval,
or for a needless answer,
or for a satisfying compliment,
or for a love and like buttons,
you’re not gonna need it any more;
because those are already yours.
Whiff, gulp, and sniff in the air around you.
And oh darling, don’t grip things too hard.

I’ll tell you once more,

they are already planted in your self.

Soak out the life you spend the very second now.
All the burden and load on your shoulders, you don’t need to suffer any longer.
Every thing that fated belong to you will be yours no matter how,
Every one that intensely love you will stay with you;
even your flame is extinguished,
even your mascara and lipstick don’t look good again on you,
even your jokes and words go dry,
and even your glare don’t glow any more.

So, just sing along the lullaby and ballad of life you love the most.
Your spellbound light will ablaze and shine enlighten the way.

And I am glad that you finally just are.

Only Surviving Is Not Enough, We Must Hold The Fort and Fight Hard

people-woman-sport-muscles-large

What is your achievement this year? Oh, at least I’ve survived.

It’s true. To begin something can be a piece of cake, but surviving is much much harder than that. Many people give up in the middle of race before they reach the finish point. And of course when you say you can survive, it should be appreciated. It’s a real hard work, right? How hard it is to against the temptation of wrapping everything before it’s completely finished. How strong the encouragement to give up anything even though we’ve not seen any result yet. It’s clear then that surviving is one of achievements in this life. But, is it enough? To only stand alone in this life and let everything goes just the way it is? And just breathing?

Indeed, sometimes in this life we just need to sit still and breathe. Stop thinking abut how our lives supposed to be, what we should actually do this second, or how normal our routines and circumstances should be. Literally not bothering about whatsover even for the quite important things in our future. But again, is surviving just enough for us?

Despite that there are no such walls, forts, fences, or irons blocking our way out, many times we feel like being trapped and stuck up in our own lives. That trapped feeling which arise because we are too scared to burst out. Yet, we know that staying there is not enough. To survive through the days which was more crushing our own dreams is really far from enough. But really, the fear that have been haunting us is too inevitable, so we often feel like, “Okay, it’s better to just survive while I can.”

The thing is why do we choose to survive when we actually have other choice to make everything better? Why should we stuck here whilst the door open so wide and there are many vehicles that can travel us out from here? Is that because the rain that comes too heavy so that we think it’s more comfortable to stay still on the bed and bend over the sheets?

Surviving is a root and innate instinct that human have. We got it to keep us alive in a very critical situation. Like the cannibalism that happened to the rugby team in many years ago. The survivor of flight crush accident. They did it because it’s their way to survive and surviving was their only goal. But keep in mind, they did it because they got no choice. Then, what about who is actually more capable than just trying to survive? Perhaps by breaking the border and fight hard through that?

Perhaps.