What 2017 Has Taught Me

That many times you have to embrace yourself, step out from your comfort zone and be ready for the wind and thunder out there just so that you could explore your other sides. Because it is good to set rules and plans in your life, but you also have to be ready for each changes life gives you. Nothing is certain in this life, the certainty itself has a probability of becoming the uncertainty. So, don’t be afraid of leaving your warm and cozy blanket and go sailing.


That many times, you could be strong when being strong is the only option you have. You can’t rely yourself on others. Everybody has their own script and goals they want to achieve every day. It doesn’t mean no one would care about you, it is just–depending yourself too much on people will eventually leave you disappointed. Because you expect too much and expectations kill as you may know. So, believe yourself that you could go thru hard times, even alone.


That many times falling in love doesn’t always make you happy, farther when you don’t even sure that you are the only one who receives the butterflies he or she sends to you. It could be any others and it’s not fair if you are judging him or her for sending the butterflies to other as the unkind manner. It’s their right. So, everything is going back to you whether you want to keep their butterflies even you know falling for them will hurt you, or just moving on.


That many times you could not rush something just because you think you are running out of time. Time will never end unless you decide it ends. You perceive it ends. Rushing something will only leave you exhausted because you are competing with your own self. And everything prior to conflict with our own self is tiring. So, take a while, live at the moment, believe in the process, and the result of your painful efforts will come.


As well as many times you need to get yourself out of wondering what is coming next too much. It will lead you to the overthinking and it ain’t good for your mental hygiene. Shall you know something will be bad for you, it’s better to cut it off rather than continue doing it while you’re wondering what will happen if you stay? So, the decision in the very early stage of your steps is very crucial and important.   


And that many times the drama you face is not coming from outside, it’s within yourself instead. It could be you are the only one who starts creating your own drama. That maybe, either in work or relationship, it’s not the who drain you emotionally, it’s your own self. And knowing that drowning yourself in dramas will be tiring, so you have to stop it from your own self.


For the brighter, happier and more enchanting 2018.


On The Hardest Night, I Try Telling My Heart This

It has been a rough rocky road and I appreciate that you hold yourself just to survive.

I know many times you are in pain, sore, but you resist to admit that it did happen.

You keep beating as if there is no one try to wound you, even if it ain’t.


It has always been a tough time when you keep distributing the blood all over the body,

just to push this person so that she could keep breathing, like a normal one.

When in fact she always feels like she is in the narrow, compact room in which there is no space to gulp an oxygen.

And I really appreciate you could go thru.


It has been a heavy day when you keep telling the mind that everything is just a temporary.

That all the storm it faces now is only a while.

That it will still be a light at the end of the tunnel.

That perhaps, the pain you feel it is just an illusion and it sure could be vanished.


Therefore, I thank you for going through these.




What It’s Like To Regret For Ever Meeting You

Just so you know how many times I deleted your number and told myself that I would never want to talk with you again.

Just so you know how much I kept myself busy just so that there would be no space in my mind to even think about you.

Just so you know how hard I struggled to overcome the urge every time you said you want to meet me.

Just so you know that I held my heart so hard until I felt numb every second I thought that we were meant for each other.

Just so you know how much I killed the night by over analyzing your latest message for me that time.

Just so you know how tough efforts I put just to look happily normal so that you might not know the battle I faced everyday.

Just so you know how many times I tried so hard not give any response once you appeared again after been a while.

Just so you know how sore my chest once I saw something that reminds me of you, reminds me of us.

Just so you know that I tried to comprehend so well about every beginning must have an ending so that the pain would vanish slowly.

Just so you know how much I talked to my own mind about you as only one of the words that I should have just skipped in my chapter.

Just so you know how strong the remorse I felt as much as the yearning of the daily talk we used to have.

Just so you know how much you have succeed to convince myself for starting to love and to be loved again.

Just so you know how pain this heart when I woke up hoping your text would popped up and welcoming my fuzzy morning.

Just so you know that when you decided to stop everything between us, I started doubting my self again;
Of my worthiness, of my value, of my existence, and of love that I tried so hard to believe again.

Just so you know that when you chose to eventually walk away, I wanted to slap my own self and told that these all weren’t supposed to ever happen. At all.

Just so you know, but do you?

Dear Society, I’m Sorry I’m Not Fit In

I love being a social person.

I loved interacting with people, trying to talk with each one in the room, getting to know closer, or even being a kind person in the terms of social norms. Short word, I used to always try fitting my self into my environment. I just wanted to keep my self as sane as society by doing what they decide is right. Means, avoiding the cigars, the beer, even piercing itself. And what did I get?

They liked me because I fitted with their rules.

But as the time goes by and I grow up older. I started to see things differently, unexpectedly, especially about society and rules itself. But before we talk further, there is one thing I want to highlight here: Obeying the rules is a good thing. So yes, I grew up by being a good kid and I am proud of it.

I remember, people in my environment always said when I was little, we, children had no right to talk when the elders were discussing something. We had no right to express our ideas. Just because they thought we were still too young and they thought, perhaps, we did not know anything. So yes, I grew up by being a good kid and also a too-scared-to-express-self kid and I regret it.

Then the time flies, I go through the puberty, and become a young adult. And because I like writing, I often find my self having an explosion of ideas for every issues that I think matter. And because I live in a millennial generation, I expose it on my social medias. They liked me, they liked my posts. So I was thinking of yes, I finally have a right to speak up and express my self because I’m not a kid any more. And they liked me, again.

Until last year when my society was driven by the elite politics and became a bit cranky.

If you ever heard the blasphemy case in Indonesia, yes that one. That thing ruined every thing. It was elite politics’ hidden business that blinding society. The extremist and radicals moved because they thought they were right and this case was worth fighting for. It was right, somehow about the blasphemy thing. But then the society went insane even if the law in Indonesia has decided to process it fairly.

Up until this second, there are two poles in Indonesia that seemed like the same poles, never ending opposing each other. So, as I thought that I finally had a right to say my opinion, I posted something of course based on my thought about it. And the result from my environment was quiet shocking that time:

They opposed me, extremely.


They even named me with something rude call. Just because I am not fit with things that they think right, out of religion and belief things.

For someone who used to live peacefully as a good lovable and likeable kid, it feels like a huge kick for the first time. I never know that being a public enemy would be as easy as clicking ‘post’ on your social media then Boom! Congratulation, you are being hated by your society! Wow.

I was like… seriously? Just because I have a different idea with you then you could kick and call me in that rudely way? Again, it was such a huge kick for me. I shocked because of being alienated by my society. I needed times to let go and just accepted my self as an defendant on their perspective. Being shocked made me stopped chirruping about that matter and just focused on the other things (thank you NBA playoffs for keeping me sane!).

I can not avoid the fact that I was scared being hated too. No one likes having haters just because they are different. So, I also contemplate my self. Am I that wrong? Am I that bad? And other thousands ‘am I’ things that many times led me into a long overthinking night.

Long time passed, I did much more productive things rather than keeping up with that hidden politics business behind this blasphemy case. Then yesterday, I read an article saying that there was a teenager whose Facebook was claimed, sued, and blocked because she offered the idea about this blasphemy too. And I red her post because the matter went viral. I could say, her idea is way too great to be pointed as an offensive post. Her post was neutral, deep, and so objective. So, what is actually happening?

Yes, the society goes crazy and now I am really sure that it was not me.

That it was just them, it was just the society. This is the time when people will easily offense you just because you have a different idea and you have a sharp mind, and a bold heart to shout it out. This is the time when people claim that you are now their enemy just because you unfollow them or leave the group. Yes, this is the time when everyone thinks they are right and other is wrong.

Wow. Again. For that thing, I would like to say to you who read this.

We, human may not be able living in solitary life without society. But we, human, may not be able as well trying to always fit ourselves in our society. So, when you think that, God, I can not hang on any more, people is sick now, you are allowed to say:

Dear my society, I am sorry I am not fit in so I am quit.

And having a more peaceful life afterwards.

Being A Writer; The Easiest Getaway

Let me share you something.
I have been working for an Instagram project. And it demands me to enhance my Korean ability. That is why I become more often texting with my Korean pen pal. We have known each other like almost 3 months. I used to depend my vocabulary searching on translation such as Google. But, after I have been learning Korean too for around 2 months, I know that Google Translate for Korean is really invalid.

Because I stucked tonight, I asked my Korean pen pal. My Instagram project mostly consists of romantic and love lines, anyway. The sentence that made me confused was: “Can I call you mine?”

That then I asked him. One good thing from that man, even if he often makes a fun of me because I have a weird Korean pronounciation, but he always explain and answer my question. So did tonight. He translated it in most common familiar Korean sentences so that it sounds very natural. But the funny thing was that he said this:

“Really, have you just found a new date?”

This is why even if I have a Korean pen pal, I don’t want to ask them translating my writing lines. I will have to explain it over and over. But somehow, the chat between us tonight also reminds me of why I love being a writer. 

You could be anyone, you could experience anything, you could imagine everything while you are being a writer.

Just like Eleanor said in “Eleanor and Park”, why do you write? For escape. I really could feel it. Writing and reading are such a free and easy getaway from a real life. A life that feels like having a high wall preventing us from experiencing the impossibility.

Books, mostly from fiction authors provide lots of world that we never experienced before, without the need to literally experience it. Like, how the life of prostitute, the painful life of a man who befriend with a depression woman, the astronauts life, and s on. And even how the feeling of being loved by a perfect human being. 

So does writing. I feel like writing has always been a good way to channel my moods. We could run into the moon and galaxy, we could be a famous singer who have a scandal with a murderer, or even being a murderer in our own stories. That’s really why I love being a writer, for money or for fun.

The hard thing happens not only when we as a writer feel stuck and not getting any idea for writing. But moreover, when we start questioning ourselves, am I really a writer while I don’t feel good enough in writing anything?
Well, well, well.

But anyhow, up until now, I will still love the way of being a writer. With or without a social approval.

Anyway, I suddenly wonder, what if my Instagram project mostly about a crime and murder.  I could not imagine how shocked he would if I asked him:

“I will kill you tonight with my own sharp knife.”

Welcome To Tinder-ish World, A Place Where You Could Find An Agony

One day, I ever asked my manager why he used Tinder while he’s already married with a very kind and pretty woman. He said, just for fun. Well, that’s not surprising, at all.

Online dating has been developed since many times ago. If you ever heard chatting room applications with stranger such as miRC and Mingle, you would not be surprised of how Tinder becomes so popular recently. You don’t even need to wonder why.

If you have a chance to see a whole online catalogue, why bother walking around from mall to mall?

Yes, those such of Tinder-ish online dating applications cater us a very instant options of a good guys and ladies out there. Or at least, that’s just how it looks. There would be a point plus for us who have such a busy life and who want to have an instant catch. Wow, techno!

As our grand-grand-grand uncle, Einstein said, “I fear the day  that technology will surpass our human interaction.”

It’s really happening now. You might ever read stuffs of how dangerous Tinder-ish (or even social medias) affects dating nowadays, start from a forced hookups, rape, up to murder. Scary, yet true.

I will not tell you a lie, I admit that I used Tinder-ish too.

First, because I was just curious of how it works. Second, I wanted to know what kind of people there. Third, because much of my colleagues used it too just for their fun. And it’s a quite wow when I found that there were a lot of good quality people there, based on their profile such as jobs, names, photos, and how they explained their selves (you could differ people from their brief, isn’t it?).

But you know what, it was all began with the curiosity that led us into a more serious peril. It was all just ‘for fun’ things until we felt kind of addicted into it.

A feeling of ‘one more swipe’ or ‘one more hello’ that drove us over and over. We even tended to use it more often while we’re lonely or needing an approval or an acknowledgment. No wonder, a married person was also oured of this Tinder-ish too.

I will tell you how it came, based on how I feel toward it.

Tinder-ish applications provide us zillion good quality people.

Means, there would me more opportunity for us to find the person who suits with our qualifications VIRTUALLY. It could be their faces, their bodies, their smiles, their jobs, their schools, or even of how comfy they could make us while chatting with them.

We would find the approval of our own self easily while we could match with a top quality person there. We started thinking: “See, I’m not picky, I don’t have an over qualifications, they choose me too, means I am realistic!”

We would find the acknowledgment from the day to day conversation and flirting things there. That was when he or she said to you: “Hey, you have such a cute smile!” or “I like your eyes” or when they said they have a common interest with you. We could easily feel comfy somehow.

Then it would become more serious when we brought it into our real life.

Means, while there was a real person who try to be close with us, then we compared he or she with the ones we have in Tinder-ish world, we would always feel… incomplete. We would feel like: “He or she is way nicer.” That someway, brought a brick between us and the REAL opportunity.  

Let just say, some would end up with a meetup and hookup, not few who end up with a real relationship, but also, some would end up with a more and more searching, and moreover, some would just end up with… a more severe loneliness.


We can’t erase the fact that there are certain types of people in Tinder-ish world. The hookup-er, the fun searcher, and the most but the rare too, the lonely and serious one. It would not be a trouble when the same type meet each other. Like, the hookup-er meet the hookup-er too. Or the fun searcher with the fun searcher too. The matter happens when the lonely and serious one… meet the… other types.


Because somehow, even when the people in this type became closer and more intimate with the person there, the prejudice would overshadow them too. They would think of how unreal the intimacy they have with that person, especially when they both never meet. They also would think that person might has a similar intimacy with others at the same time they have with them. The thought of: “If he or she found me there, it’s so possible that someday he or she would leave me and find another one who’s better back to there.”

And just like a drug, when we tried to get rid of it, there would be a withdrawal syndrome. The feeling of agony. That’s why a research shows that it’s not good for us using an online dating while we are in loneliness. Because it would just lead us into another severe loneliness.

Wow, techno!

At this point, I could not be more agree with Uncle Einstein. Technology might make our lives easier. But not at the matter of feelings, emotions, and relationships.

Can not be analogous with finding things such as shoes, bags, or flight tickets; I must say that we can not e-buy a feeling and a person to love, right?

This Is How The Waiting Game Crushes Ourselves But We Still Let It Be

Do you know what makes us feel pain in the ass?

We are waiting for the sun down when it has just already risen. We are waiting for another Saturdays and Sundays when our Monday has just already began. We are waiting for someone to call when he or she says so. We are waiting for the lunch when we have just skipped the breakfast. We are waiting for another opportunity when we have just lost the chance intentionally. We are waiting for another yes when we actually have much time to prove that we deserve that kind of yes. And, we are waiting for someone who is right when, perhaps, they are all have appeared just in inches from us.

Despite we hate waiting, many times, we are just stuck in the waiting game. Consciously or unconsciously.

And that worsen our dying heart. We always put a hope and expectation in front of us, not in our grip. It is like we tend to feel there will be lots of another better in the next time and it is just not today. Not this second. Thence, we often end up with waiting until that right time for better things come. We are waiting for the finish point that actually ourselves even doubt of its existence. Is that final point really exist?

Yes, zillion times all we do are just counting days.

Days until we accomplish our study, days until we find our first job, days until we finally meet the one, days until we finally get proposed and married, days until we have a baby and have a happy little family, and the ball keeps rolling…

The question is, what if the ball stuck?

What if the day that we believe will come to us, not yet appeared in our eyes? What if we have got no other opportunities? What if we never get the yes that we have been looking for? What if we never meet the one that we believe exist and someday will knock our door?

Some have a wheel that keeps rolling well in their lives, some perhaps have it sunk in the sand. And when our wheel is the one that sunk in, all we can do is fix it so that we can continue our journey, right?

Like, we can not wait someone to pop up just like that. We have to… at least… do something. To figure it out. To let it fixed. To… spend the time we have very right now.

But, yes, even if we know that waiting only put a more pain in our ass, many times, we are stuck in the waiting game.

That traps us to believe, the ‘someday’ we have been believed for so long time will appear. Someday….

Are You Sure You Have Known Enough About Care?

Let’s talk about care.

What is actually care means in your opinion? Is it when you want to know a lot about someone? Oh no, perhaps it is just a curiosity. Is it when you try to warn off someone just because you don’t want to see them hurt? I don’t know, probably it is just a possessive act. Or is it when you still make a same effort even if they look a little annoyed by it? Well, probably it is just you who put the screws on it.

Just like love, admire, affection, and even hatred, care is something that very abstract to be defined and measured.

You can’t say someone cares just because they talk a lot with others, they ask a lot about others, they comment so much in other’s posts, or just because they state it by themselves (“I do this because I care a lot about you!” #meh)

Nor, you can’t say someone doesn’t really care just because they seldom ask about you, they don’t really look like they have an attention toward you, or maybe just because they look like they don’t want to know about your life any more.

Care can’t only be defined with that physical indicators even if someone probably tries to show it in that way. So, is it wrong for us to try showing our care and attention obviously to the others?

The answer will always be the same: It depends.

Personally, I say that I will always respect and moved by the act of someone’s care to me. Like, when I was in my toughest day then he/she came and asked me, “Are you okay?” or even they didn’t say anything but bringing me my favorite meal or ice cream instead. Or when they warned me off because they knew that I would have some hard times if I took a decision that they thought it could be wrong. I mean, who doesn’t like to be cared?

But again, when we care about someone, it doesn’t mean we can do anything to them just to show it. Care is not something that limited only to certain acts.

When we care about someone, it’s better for us to consider how to show it too.

If we do it in that way, would it make them feel better or even worse? Would it make them feel being cared or even being isolated? Would it make them feel okay or even make them feel being judged? Then, is it the right time to show it in our ways? Or, probably is it better to give them space and delay it until we could care them?


Because, sometimes, all that someone needs when they face a tough problem is just a space.

Space so that they can re-think about their problems and their behavior that made it. Space so that they just need to take a break and a deep breath and contemplate about their decisions or mistakes. In that time, perhaps they don’t really need our judgmental and too much statements. They don’t need us to drown them with the feeling of ‘oh-my-god-these-are-all-my-faults’. They don’t really give a damn with our care intention behind all of it. Because all that they really need is just a space. And a little tender caresses on their back.

What I am trying to say here is that it’s good if we have an intention to care with other. But, the way we wrap and show it up are very much important.

How could someone know that we care to them if we just act like we are the rightest person on earth? How could someone feel our love if all that we show it are just full of hatred and arrogant words (even if what we stated was right)? And how could we pour our care if all that we want was not prevent them from something bad, but just to show off that we are better and righter than them?

Words, people. Words are sharper than a sword.

If we can’t choose the right words to calm down someone’s tough life or problem, we’d rather be just silent and wait until they contemplate their lives first.

Because many times in a hard day, an open arms is much better than an open lips.

Except for a kiss.


We’re Not A Mister Grey, We Don’t (Always) Aim To Please

Likes and loves button are just little things that could represent of how much we, a human being, are really a status seeker, an approval hunter, a social climber, and an applause hunger. The notification that come from our daily social medias is just a little image of how, sometimes or perhaps often, we do things based on what people might like or love.

And I could say, it could torture us.

I personally stop acting based on what people might expect from me. Why? Simply, I’m too tired to please people.

I’m not born as Grey that live with a motto: “We aim to please.”

I did. I once a person who was very people and relationship oriented. I tended to do anything, to sacrifice anything as long as people pleased and stay with me. Did it back breaking? So much. Did I try to survive? I did. Not until something bad came. The fact that not everyone whom we please would do the same thing to us. And it’s really invidious.

I should admit that most of time when I wrote something, I always thought whether people will read it, whether they will like it, whether they have a time to even take a look at it. And what was the result? I never literally heard my own mind. I wrote because I wanted an approval, not because I wanted to deliver my thoughts. And again, it’s really exhausting.

Also, I couldn’t lie that it was a social acknowledgment drove me to perform outstanding. I wanted to be seen as someone above average, mostly from my big family. I wanted them to see me because of the scholarship I got. It’s like a compensation for my previous failure. I wanted people to see me arising after falling. I hungered for their confession. And what did happen? I felt buried and sunk when they didn’t give me any of it.

I felt like I was never good enough just because they never see me.

Until I watched some successful people in some professions, such as an author. One of the most remarkable words I ever heard comes up from the author of A Fault in Our Stars, John Green. He said:

“Don’t try to write a novel for being famous or for getting a lot of money. Write it as a gift for your reader.”

That really strucks. And also from one of my favorite famous local writer who said, “Just write well. Don’t think that people will hate it or not,” she also quoted others’, “remember that you write because you want something that you can’t read anywhere.”

There, I started to notice something important. There, I stopped doing things because I seek for an applause or credits.

I write words not because I want them to agree with me, but as to they could understand what inside my mind. I decide something not because I want people on my side, but so that they could see the way I choose and not hampering. I do things not because I want people love me, but in order to let them see me the way I am, even if they perhaps hate me and remind me if I do a bad thing. I cut down a habit to give too much and keep my circle small so that I would know who the real ones and who are not.

In short, I try not to care a loves and likes any more, because people is just people, number is just number, and it’s only us who know which one is better for ourselves, it’s only us who will bear the consequence from the decision we take, and it’s not them. I try to think, I do kind things for my own good, not for other.


7 Practical Ways To Heal The Pain That Too Much In Our Heart

Some leading digital medias are now shooting their onslaught campaigns against social hate speech and hoax posts. And I thought that even my posts couldn’t be implied in which categories, yet for some people it might seem too harsh or too negative. That’s why now I’d like to share what I, my friend, and of course you can do to heal or to overcome the pain and the falling of your own self esteem. To bring back your mood in a healthy threshold.



#1: Allow ourselves to feel the emotion

That’s the very first thing we need and obviously would do after experiencing bad moments in our lives. Either it’s a failure, betrayal, or heartache. What I’ve got from my experience was that don’t you try to war against it. It ain’t worth powder and shot. It will just go wasted if we force ourselves not to feel it. Just like Khalil Gibran said, “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.” The more we let ourselves admitting that we are on such a terrible pain, the more we will understand what thing could harm us. So that we could play safe and learn from it later on.


#2: Tell it to the right person

This is also important because we need to channel our feeling. We need to share our tragedy with someone whom we believe could enlighten everything. Not someone who make it worse instead. It could be our parents, our siblings, our (truly) best friends, even someone that probably ain’t in our inner circle, but he or she could comfort us with their wise words. From my experience itself, firstly I would just go seeking  supporting persons. Those who could respond us furiously like they also feel the same pain. Because it really helps us on finding a social support. But when everything has finally been calmer, I would just talk with person who could give an objective opinion, a wise one.


#3: Do whatever could make you happier

We tend to feel exhausted and run off energies after been moaning like that. Then when we come to this point, that’s a sign that we need to refuel ourselves. We could do anything that could lift up our spirit, let’s say by eating our favorite macha ice cream, singing our favorite songs, binge watching all our favorite movies or dramas, even taking a workouts. Anything, and while doing it, just don’t let ourselves thinking. Just do it.


#4: Fill in the jar with compliment papers

There sure would be a part of us blaming ourselves because of that bad tragedies happened to us. Probably we think: I should never let him come to my life, I should have just being rude if eventually people would just think I was, or whatsover. This would be corrosive if it happen over and over. This seriously could harm our self esteem because probably we will end up on thinking we’ll never be good enough for us or for people. That’s why, we need to try this technique.

So, it says that we could take an empty mason jar then we put a compliment on a paper every time ourselves do something good. For instance, I was trying to have a workouts again after been a while, then I jot it on paper: Dear body, thanks for trying to have a workouts again!


#5: Read motivational books or quotes

If we find ourselves still famished for something that could boost up our spirits, then try to hunt it outside. By reading something positive, such as easy bitsy novels, books, tweets of motivating people, even quotes. It truly will help!


#6: Block their ways for several times

If after been contemplating and seeking an advice from people yet we still found that they’re just too much and it was not us, of course, we’re allowed to cut the rope, for a temporary time or for… ever. No one could insult us in any way. We’re the one who live our lives. So, my friend told me, just like what William Traynor ever said to Louisa Clark: “Don’t let that one thing be the thing that defines you.


#7: Let your self forgive

Last, the hardest part. No religion approve the hatred. Forgiveness is something noble that we always have to pursue. In spite of our deep pain, furious anger, and unforgettable hatred, we eventually will have to let ourselves forgive. Remember, “The ability to forgive is the one man’s greatest achievements,” Bryant McGill said.