Heart

Stop Testing Him, Because Perhaps You Just Love the Idea of Loving Him

It’s been a while since you both knowing each other.

You still remember how you both first met. Each day, you are getting closer to him. It feels like he always opens himself to you. He told you lots about his day, how it was so hard for him through his job, how it was so fun his games went, what he would do for a month ahead. He even talks about the plan to go with you next time. That you don’t even sure what next time means for him. It could be tomorrow, next days, weekends, or even becomes never.

You can’t stop smiling each time you see his name pops up during your boring meeting-to-meeting days. Or in the middle of the conversation that you have with your friends. You can’t lie to yourself that, somehow, his name always successfully grabs your attention. Whatever it takes. Whatever it appears. Whenever it shows up. He indeed has a special spot in your mind.

Just his simply sweet talk, just his simple voice notes, just the way he anchors his face in your brain from night to night. You know he’s special for you. You know you both have an opportunity, or at least you wish.

But you know what, have you ever noticed that you might be in your own story along this time?

Have you ever asked yourself, what would happen if you never showed your interest to him first, would he be the one who showed it then? Have you ever been alert, does he ever know your favourite drinks and foods, or even has he ever wanted to know that? Have you ever been thought, when he talked excitedly about his plan in a month, has he ever asked about yours, or even has he ever showed his curiosity towards yours?

Oh dear, you don’t have to answer.

It’s sometimes hard to know whether people are truly falling in love or just falling into the idea of loving someone. It’s sometimes so blurred to see whether people need someone so hard as their personal self, or they just need anybody as a human being. It’s often not easy to recognize whether people are comfortable with their close relationship because they are mentally satisfied, or they have just been trying to satisfy their selves and convincing their own situation. Many time they are trapped in a grey and blurry area they didn’t even know their selves.

Oh dear, you don’t have to overthink about it.

When you always try to push yourself just to give him one more chance, one more test. Just so that you know whether he will invest in yourself in a balance amount or not. Or just so that you know, that song he sang and sent to you in the midnight was because he thought about you, and it wasn’t just because he was bored, or drunk. Or just so that you get a clearer vision that he really meant to meet you and it was because he was longing too.

Oh dear, you don’t have to continue testing him, checking him.

Even if he might be your favourite what ifs, or maybe he is your most-waited notification, or maybe his voice becomes your favourite caffeine, no he’s not. You deserve someone that could be more than just that. Your time worth for someone who could give you more than just a need to validate, to make sure, to grow up being insecure. No, you don’t.

Maybe it’s not him that you crave for, maybe it’s not him that you actually long for, maybe it’s just not him who deserves all of your attention, loves, and energies. Maybe.

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The Days I Fight So Hard, If Only You Knew

Who doesn’t like the euphoria of falling with someone?
The morning when you wake up with the reason to smile. The night you spend with overnight call until you feel your eyes are glued but you don’t want to give up the call. The day when he or she finally asks you when you both are going to meet. The second when you see him or her and you want to freeze the moment at least for longer times.
In fact, everybody addicts to the chemical reaction in their gut when they are falling in love. The very first starting point of relationship that is a whole better than a bar of chocolate. It excites you, it boosts you, and even it drives you crazy. The mechanism that is  stronger than a doping pil. It energizes you too.
We love the idea of having someone to crush with. And even it crushes our heart too because the name itself is crush. 
It crushes your heart when you see their name popping up on your screen. It crushes your heart when you hear their electrical voices. It crushes your heart just by a simple question from them asking how your day was. It crushes your heart when they say a little thing that reminding them of you. It even crushes your heart by coincidentally listening to a song that you both like it somewhere. 
It feels like there is a butterfly in your belly tickling you but you like that sensation. Moreover, you addict on it. The addiction that sometimes crushes your heart more in pieces.
It crushes you more when they don’t text you unreasonably. It crushes you more when there is no call at all during a week. It crushes you more when you play over the memory you have with them recently and kind of starving for it. It crushes you more simply by overanalyzing if you are good enough to keep their attention to you. And it crushes you more just by hoping their hello at the end of your bad day.
We seem are a pseudomasochist because we let our heart in pain just because we love crushing with them. And even we have tough days to fight for.
It is the day when you have a tremendous battle between your feeling toward them and the fact that you have already know. It is the day when you have to fight the urge of texting them first while they are ghosting you. It is the day when you are slapped by your own mind because you know you can’t hope anything from your undefined and almost relationship. It is the day when you struggle so hard to fight the thought that if they meant to call you, they would. It is the day when you miss them so freakingly hard but you restrain yourself not to tell them. Because ego is a hell of drug. And it is the day when you wait them to schedule your meetup without any sudden cancellation.
It is tough, darling. The days that we fight so hard for any feeling attached toward them. And it crushes us more for hoping they would know. If only.

I Tell Her: Hand The Knife Back To Them Because They Will Need It Again Soon

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And so here I tell you the story.

About someone who thought be friend with someone else. She did the good thing in a technical and practical ways. She gave things they asked properly. She never thought anything but they were a part of her another circle friends. That people also never looked up to not good, nor bad, not antagonist, neither protagonist. Just like that. Because the thought about dramatic backstabber and stuffs never crossed her mind. Yet. Until one day, someone she trusts the most told her.

They are not.

It perhaps took several seconds for her to absorb every hurt words, every painful facts she told her. Even it took a little effort to wipe off and bear the bleeding because of the knife they stabbed onto her back. She just couldn’t believe that someone like that did exist. She thought that kind of people only live in a tale of some Disney’s stories, like a villain. Or she thought that it must be an important and precious thing that made someone could unsheathe a broad-bladed knife to someone else, onto her or his back, of course without s/he knew it.

Then I tell her these things.

The very first thing is that they ain’t (and never been) her friends.

I know this will hurt her feeling even harder. But she must notice. She did not lose friends, the fact is that she must realize that actually she never be friended with them. It’s not just because they hang around or laughed or spent the times with her meant they are her friends.

Some people are just so skillful of putting their masks on and pretending in order to catch and exploit many benefits from others. Then, she asked me again, how I could tell this. Of course, you could see it crystal clear. The real friends will be with you with or  without needs. It ain’t because they want you to help their works, nor always because they want something for you. The real friend will laugh with you for your jokes or funny things you both experience, not because they think that is the only way to make you feel like they’re your friend. It isn’t the need that becoming a drive of two people who state their relation as a friend, but an understanding. And also, the real ones will stay the same even if you’re no longer have a benefit for them.

Second, most of the betrayal and back-stab experiences ain’t come from enemies.

I know, this is bitter. But that’s true. I told her, she would never feel this hurt if she thought them as enemies rather than friends. And that’s why much people call it as a betrayal. Because one day you ever put your trust a lot and the other day you find out that they break it. The other different is that, I tell her, why she feels this unease, because the ones who back-stabbed her aren’t her enemies, they would seem like hug her first instead of attack her. That’s why she never prepared beforehand. So, be very careful with people now. It’s good to be kind with everyone, but just don’t expect them to do the same thing for you. Remember, expectation kills us.  And also, there are a lot of people like ‘Oh I will laugh and seem to have fun with Hillary so that I could praise Trump later’.

Third, I also learn from her story that life isn’t about who is real to our faces, but more about who is real behind our backs.

You can’t call some people as friends without proving it with your absence. The real one will not offend or defend you in your absence. They will told the truth and the very first thing, they will stand up for you, for good or for bad. It doesn’t mean they will always defend you like they are your advocates. They will just say the truth and crosscheck it to you later. So, if there’s someone who act contrary, don’t be surprised. There are some people who could be a friend with the ear, then enemy with the mouth.

Fourth, oh come on dear, you know what, the knife that they used, it would just be useful and powerful once your back turned.

Correction, only when your back turned. Most of betrayal comes from dissatisfaction or, this is the worst one, the jealousy. I know, it sounds so non sense for you, dear. But you must know, they got no power when facing you face to face. If they did, why ain’t they ask you for battle rather than stabbing your back, then? So, just stop blaming yourself because you have taken a wrong thought about their attitudes. Having a good heart isn’t a bad thing, having a good fake friend is.

And last but not the least, I have to tell her about the knife and the hole on her back because of the stabbing.

This will hurt, but you have to pull the knife out, bear the pain, cure the hole, and use the knife to cut off the tie between you and them, then hand it back to them.

Believe me, they’re gonna need it to back-stab other people soon. Because, for the deadbeats, losers, gossipers, nay-sayers, dream-crushers, passive-aggressive backstabbers, and an exploiters, once they did it to you, they will just do it to the other. And their lives will always be like that such a circle. Nothing’s really good will upgrade their lives, not without stabbing other’s back first and taking the benefit from it.

And for you, I know this sounds cheesy and classic, but just let it go.

You have a bigger world, why bother to get it ruined by the people like them? Be more mature and forgive them. Once more, having a good heart is not a bad thing.