The Days I Fight So Hard, If Only You Knew

Who doesn’t like the euphoria of falling with someone?
The morning when you wake up with the reason to smile. The night you spend with overnight call until you feel your eyes are glued but you don’t want to give up the call. The day when he or she finally asks you when you both are going to meet. The second when you see him or her and you want to freeze the moment at least for longer times.
In fact, everybody addicts to the chemical reaction in their gut when they are falling in love. The very first starting point of relationship that is a whole better than a bar of chocolate. It excites you, it boosts you, and even it drives you crazy. The mechanism that is  stronger than a doping pil. It energizes you too.
We love the idea of having someone to crush with. And even it crushes our heart too because the name itself is crush. 
It crushes your heart when you see their name popping up on your screen. It crushes your heart when you hear their electrical voices. It crushes your heart just by a simple question from them asking how your day was. It crushes your heart when they say a little thing that reminding them of you. It even crushes your heart by coincidentally listening to a song that you both like it somewhere. 
It feels like there is a butterfly in your belly tickling you but you like that sensation. Moreover, you addict on it. The addiction that sometimes crushes your heart more in pieces.
It crushes you more when they don’t text you unreasonably. It crushes you more when there is no call at all during a week. It crushes you more when you play over the memory you have with them recently and kind of starving for it. It crushes you more simply by overanalyzing if you are good enough to keep their attention to you. And it crushes you more just by hoping their hello at the end of your bad day.
We seem are a pseudomasochist because we let our heart in pain just because we love crushing with them. And even we have tough days to fight for.
It is the day when you have a tremendous battle between your feeling toward them and the fact that you have already know. It is the day when you have to fight the urge of texting them first while they are ghosting you. It is the day when you are slapped by your own mind because you know you can’t hope anything from your undefined and almost relationship. It is the day when you struggle so hard to fight the thought that if they meant to call you, they would. It is the day when you miss them so freakingly hard but you restrain yourself not to tell them. Because ego is a hell of drug. And it is the day when you wait them to schedule your meetup without any sudden cancellation.
It is tough, darling. The days that we fight so hard for any feeling attached toward them. And it crushes us more for hoping they would know. If only.


I Tell Her: Hand The Knife Back To Them Because They Will Need It Again Soon


And so here I tell you the story.

About someone who thought be friend with someone else. She did the good thing in a technical and practical ways. She gave things they asked properly. She never thought anything but they were a part of her another circle friends. That people also never looked up to not good, nor bad, not antagonist, neither protagonist. Just like that. Because the thought about dramatic backstabber and stuffs never crossed her mind. Yet. Until one day, someone she trusts the most told her.

They are not.

It perhaps took several seconds for her to absorb every hurt words, every painful facts she told her. Even it took a little effort to wipe off and bear the bleeding because of the knife they stabbed onto her back. She just couldn’t believe that someone like that did exist. She thought that kind of people only live in a tale of some Disney’s stories, like a villain. Or she thought that it must be an important and precious thing that made someone could unsheathe a broad-bladed knife to someone else, onto her or his back, of course without s/he knew it.

Then I tell her these things.

The very first thing is that they ain’t (and never been) her friends.

I know this will hurt her feeling even harder. But she must notice. She did not lose friends, the fact is that she must realize that actually she never be friended with them. It’s not just because they hang around or laughed or spent the times with her meant they are her friends.

Some people are just so skillful of putting their masks on and pretending in order to catch and exploit many benefits from others. Then, she asked me again, how I could tell this. Of course, you could see it crystal clear. The real friends will be with you with or  without needs. It ain’t because they want you to help their works, nor always because they want something for you. The real friend will laugh with you for your jokes or funny things you both experience, not because they think that is the only way to make you feel like they’re your friend. It isn’t the need that becoming a drive of two people who state their relation as a friend, but an understanding. And also, the real ones will stay the same even if you’re no longer have a benefit for them.

Second, most of the betrayal and back-stab experiences ain’t come from enemies.

I know, this is bitter. But that’s true. I told her, she would never feel this hurt if she thought them as enemies rather than friends. And that’s why much people call it as a betrayal. Because one day you ever put your trust a lot and the other day you find out that they break it. The other different is that, I tell her, why she feels this unease, because the ones who back-stabbed her aren’t her enemies, they would seem like hug her first instead of attack her. That’s why she never prepared beforehand. So, be very careful with people now. It’s good to be kind with everyone, but just don’t expect them to do the same thing for you. Remember, expectation kills us.  And also, there are a lot of people like ‘Oh I will laugh and seem to have fun with Hillary so that I could praise Trump later’.

Third, I also learn from her story that life isn’t about who is real to our faces, but more about who is real behind our backs.

You can’t call some people as friends without proving it with your absence. The real one will not offend or defend you in your absence. They will told the truth and the very first thing, they will stand up for you, for good or for bad. It doesn’t mean they will always defend you like they are your advocates. They will just say the truth and crosscheck it to you later. So, if there’s someone who act contrary, don’t be surprised. There are some people who could be a friend with the ear, then enemy with the mouth.

Fourth, oh come on dear, you know what, the knife that they used, it would just be useful and powerful once your back turned.

Correction, only when your back turned. Most of betrayal comes from dissatisfaction or, this is the worst one, the jealousy. I know, it sounds so non sense for you, dear. But you must know, they got no power when facing you face to face. If they did, why ain’t they ask you for battle rather than stabbing your back, then? So, just stop blaming yourself because you have taken a wrong thought about their attitudes. Having a good heart isn’t a bad thing, having a good fake friend is.

And last but not the least, I have to tell her about the knife and the hole on her back because of the stabbing.

This will hurt, but you have to pull the knife out, bear the pain, cure the hole, and use the knife to cut off the tie between you and them, then hand it back to them.

Believe me, they’re gonna need it to back-stab other people soon. Because, for the deadbeats, losers, gossipers, nay-sayers, dream-crushers, passive-aggressive backstabbers, and an exploiters, once they did it to you, they will just do it to the other. And their lives will always be like that such a circle. Nothing’s really good will upgrade their lives, not without stabbing other’s back first and taking the benefit from it.

And for you, I know this sounds cheesy and classic, but just let it go.

You have a bigger world, why bother to get it ruined by the people like them? Be more mature and forgive them. Once more, having a good heart is not a bad thing.