Dear All Women, Regardless Your Messy Self, You Still Are So Much Worth

For you who silently cry in the bathroom every night, try to hide your tears, just because he says that you are not good in your dress or any other clothes you pick to wear.

For you who always stare at the mirror and doubt yourself, just because he never tells how beautiful you are and keeps criticizing your look instead.

For you who always try so hard by wearing a mask, a thick one, just so you can be able to please him by being someone else he idealizes the most, and he keeps comparing you to her.

For you who often hold back the pain and calm your emotion down, every time he only focuses to talk about himself without even try to ask your opinion.

For you whose self-esteem is actually wounded, just because he always highlights himself and his life as the most important and best one, and he thinks that yours is not.

For you who actually feel tired of never expressing yourself, just because he never gives you any chance of that, he does not even think you deserve one.

For you who sob yourself out every night on the edge of your bed, every time he does not give you any call, any text, but keep updating himself over his social media, partying with other girls.

For you who never miss any second on the rack of your insecurities, wondering if you are enough for him, just because he seems always feel does not quite satisfied about your both relationship.

For you who start thinking that you might already lose yourself value, just because again, he always overruns you with his wiseacre advice as if he knows everything better than you.

And girls, for you who is desperately notice that you have reached your limit but you still stuck on him, just because you think there will be no one else wanting you as he does, in fact he never does.

You are so much worth for every own and way.

You are a significant one that no one can judge you just based on the price of your shoes, or the color of your skin that he might think does not fit with your dress.

You are a pulchritudinous without needing any validation from other that even he tells that you do not have any curves, or your curves ain’t really good, just goddamn throw those words away.

You are an authentic pure human being live on this earth, that even Adam Levine marries Behati Prinslo, you do not really need to push yourself trying to copy her.

You are a harmoniously chic river flow on the mountain, that you deserve to keep your mental hygiene fine and well without anyone else trying to contaminate you, not even him.

You and your life are a precious one which resulted from the selection of thousands or even million sperms, that God only choose you to have a gasp in this life.

You are a super massive blast which sparkles spread over the beautiful night skies, that no one can hold you to show up your shining light, not even him.

You and the time that you have are having a great value that does not deserve to be wasted just for waiting his enunciation because he is not the daily newspaper you subscribed.

You are born with a meaningful purpose in your own life, that is not always about him because you are not satisfactory machine for him, you have your own mission.

You are a genuine, strong, and independent woman that has already chosen your value, that no one can hold your step back and take a granted for everything you are.

And dear beautiful creature with a full bless who read this now, you are worth more than a guy who only can drag and let your wings down, let him go.

Because dear, there is no point of keeping someone who can not give you a guarantee of being your own self. There is no point of surviving a relationship that can not make us love and see our own selves.

You do not really need someone who can not help you meet and madly in love with yourself instead of pretending to be anyone else.

In which, it will only grow the insecurity and doubt within you fertile and it definitely kill your own precious inner goddess.

Let him go because you are so worth in every own and way.

Release yourself from him, break the cage that he or perhaps you have made, and please do not ever scared of waving goodbye without expecting to meet again, just fckin let him go.

Because once you can free up yourself from all of these poisonous corrosive prison, you will realize that even if you have tons of flaws, you are still beautiful in your own way.

And all you need is just someone who can respect it properly.

Free

I let my insecurities free;
Cause I am too tired to pretend

And I am too tired to impress

Or chase

Something that doesn’t belong to me

That maybe will not really belong to me.
I let my worries fly;

Those ones that keep my heart beat up too fast

For thinking the thousand what ifs

And wondering the million if onlys

Because

I am exhausted for gulping the logic

Of a million reason.
I let my mind free.

Because We Are Still Young, Options Are Everywhere

Have you ever been crushing to someone and hoping that he or she will just belong with you?

Ever since and then, you feel like you want to own them, just by your self. You become easy to feel curious, suspicious, or even jealous if they give their attention to the other. You don’t want them to hangout, call, text, or even just hit the like button of other’s Instagram! You feel like—he or she is mine and no one could belong him or her but me. Duh, sounds so possessive, isn’t it?

Chill out, I tell you, that is normal.

It is the feeling that growing from fancying to liking to loving and want to owning. But, have you ever thought as a person that has just entered someone’s middle chapter? Many times when I meet new people and we start getting closer, I tend to think that I am just a new person who is walking through his or her life. I don’t even know what the story before the chapter I walk in. That perhaps, he or she has already had someone special in their lives. That perhaps, he or she has already had some routines that not including me and they have been just fine. And that perhaps, I will just mean nothing in their lives.

So, I talk with someone about this poignant feeling that often happen to me. You know what that person said to me?

You are still young, so does he or she, you guys still have another options, and you both are frankly allowed to choose.

It’s really provoking me. Damn, it is right! Along this whole time, I only kept myself busy by thinking ‘what ifs’. What if he or she don’t like my existence in their lives? What if we don’t go well afterward? What if I will just be the reader of his or her chapter and not the character? What if I mean nothing for him or her? These insecurities are killing me.

In fact, I should have just kicked that kind of thought and just explored other options that I might had these times. Instead of worrying about my meaning to their lives, I could just let it chill. Because I also have options to explore, right? Because WE still have zillions options to try. So, let it be, catch the fishes out there and have some fun journey!

*

This Is How Similar Getting A New Job With Getting A New Lover

Drama is everywhere and it also happens in working.

Started when we were a newbie in office, the shy one, up until we have to wave goodbye and move on to the other office. Especially when we have a certain kind of strong bonding with the old office. It will not be easy to just move and adapt with new one. And I think, it somehow has a similarity with building a new relationship.

It was when we just resigned from the previous office after having lots of drama behind. The pain was still there and so did the memory. Days after that, we tend to have such a feeling of want to try a new thing but still can’t let go the old one. For me, it took some days to completely focus on seeking new opportunities. Just like our relationship, or maybe this one is harder. When we have just broken up with our lover, the healing took times.

It depends on how strong the bonding we had.

And then when the opportunity comes, we might feel excited about that. We think that this perhaps will lead to a better one. We attend the interview and selection with many hopes we bring with us. But the challenge is not finished there. When we walk into the new office will be, we start scanning around and badly, comparing to the old one. Then the thought comes, I don’t think I can feel comfy here. We-start-doubting-your-decision.

But show must go on, right? We keep going and we know that this time we need to choose the better one, the job that might settle us at least for 2 years ahead. Not the one that only give us a temporary slight comfy. So, we become a little bit picky because we don’t want to make another mistake. And when it doesn’t go well, we will be just okay. It’s better to have a rocky road in the beginning than drown in the big wave afterward, we assume.

So, we keep pushing our selves to walk. We seek, send resume, attend the interview and selection, make negotiation, over and over. Up until we start feeling exhausted. We feel tired to only walk from one opportunity to the other without having a real certainty. Just like meeting tons of new guys without having a real serious one. It is tiring somehow and we know it.

But there is one thing we can learn from both, seeking new guys and seeking new offices: We can’t avoid making a mistake in this life. Mistake is a part of our steps and so does the pain from the aftermath.

Even we think that we have chosen and done the best, the mistake will still be there at some point. But we have to also remember, mistake and failure are just bruises, not a tattoo. All we need to do is just keep going. We are gonna make it.

You are gonna make it.

*

You  May Not Think That You Have Influenced Someone, Until…

I don’t know why people love to share their feelings and lives with me, including their problems and burdens. And when it happens, I tend to have more ears than a mouth. It’s not because I don’t care or I don’t want to respond it, I just know that at some point, people just want to be listened, to be heard. But also not few times I choose to shout my words right at the moment they talk to me. Moreover when they seek for a solution by throwing up a question. Even when I also have a problem too. 
Many times I feel like giving no solution to them and our conversation seems like end up with nothing too. But at least, I have told them what I think perhaps it is right. But you know what, some people came to me lately and they said something that’s shocking me surprisingly. It’s when they say, “I just remember what you have said to me and I did it afterward.” 
Well, what shocking me are first, I never thought that my words will stick in their mind. Second, I never expect that it would lead them to do the thing I told them to. Third, I didn’t know that it would change their lives in a better way. And last but not least, I didn’t notice that knowing this could cure my bitter feeling about life somehow.
It was when they told me that my words have changed their days, their mind, or the way they see their own lives. It was when they told me with the excitement that they are now feeling like having a direction or have found a new clearer path in their lives. And it was when they whispered to me that they have already left their bad habit such as suicidal attempts or self harming. Wow. I was speechless when they said that. It’s not just because the truth they brought, but more like I can’t believe that I could influence them that way, that deep.

It is really right if people say, “Be careful of whom you may influence.”

I now can really feel the strong power underneath. Influencing people in positive ways gives such a courage for us even when our live seems bitter. Because what, even if we feel like we are a failure, we have helped people to get rid from their previous failure. 

So, keep spreading the positive vibes and inspiring people because you might not know how you could change someone’s life.

Dear Society, I’m Sorry I’m Not Fit In

I love being a social person.

I loved interacting with people, trying to talk with each one in the room, getting to know closer, or even being a kind person in the terms of social norms. Short word, I used to always try fitting my self into my environment. I just wanted to keep my self as sane as society by doing what they decide is right. Means, avoiding the cigars, the beer, even piercing itself. And what did I get?

They liked me because I fitted with their rules.

But as the time goes by and I grow up older. I started to see things differently, unexpectedly, especially about society and rules itself. But before we talk further, there is one thing I want to highlight here: Obeying the rules is a good thing. So yes, I grew up by being a good kid and I am proud of it.

I remember, people in my environment always said when I was little, we, children had no right to talk when the elders were discussing something. We had no right to express our ideas. Just because they thought we were still too young and they thought, perhaps, we did not know anything. So yes, I grew up by being a good kid and also a too-scared-to-express-self kid and I regret it.

Then the time flies, I go through the puberty, and become a young adult. And because I like writing, I often find my self having an explosion of ideas for every issues that I think matter. And because I live in a millennial generation, I expose it on my social medias. They liked me, they liked my posts. So I was thinking of yes, I finally have a right to speak up and express my self because I’m not a kid any more. And they liked me, again.

Until last year when my society was driven by the elite politics and became a bit cranky.

If you ever heard the blasphemy case in Indonesia, yes that one. That thing ruined every thing. It was elite politics’ hidden business that blinding society. The extremist and radicals moved because they thought they were right and this case was worth fighting for. It was right, somehow about the blasphemy thing. But then the society went insane even if the law in Indonesia has decided to process it fairly.

Up until this second, there are two poles in Indonesia that seemed like the same poles, never ending opposing each other. So, as I thought that I finally had a right to say my opinion, I posted something of course based on my thought about it. And the result from my environment was quiet shocking that time:

They opposed me, extremely.

1890438193-conformity_vs__rebellion_by_silentautumn

They even named me with something rude call. Just because I am not fit with things that they think right, out of religion and belief things.

For someone who used to live peacefully as a good lovable and likeable kid, it feels like a huge kick for the first time. I never know that being a public enemy would be as easy as clicking ‘post’ on your social media then Boom! Congratulation, you are being hated by your society! Wow.

I was like… seriously? Just because I have a different idea with you then you could kick and call me in that rudely way? Again, it was such a huge kick for me. I shocked because of being alienated by my society. I needed times to let go and just accepted my self as an defendant on their perspective. Being shocked made me stopped chirruping about that matter and just focused on the other things (thank you NBA playoffs for keeping me sane!).

I can not avoid the fact that I was scared being hated too. No one likes having haters just because they are different. So, I also contemplate my self. Am I that wrong? Am I that bad? And other thousands ‘am I’ things that many times led me into a long overthinking night.

Long time passed, I did much more productive things rather than keeping up with that hidden politics business behind this blasphemy case. Then yesterday, I read an article saying that there was a teenager whose Facebook was claimed, sued, and blocked because she offered the idea about this blasphemy too. And I red her post because the matter went viral. I could say, her idea is way too great to be pointed as an offensive post. Her post was neutral, deep, and so objective. So, what is actually happening?

Yes, the society goes crazy and now I am really sure that it was not me.

That it was just them, it was just the society. This is the time when people will easily offense you just because you have a different idea and you have a sharp mind, and a bold heart to shout it out. This is the time when people claim that you are now their enemy just because you unfollow them or leave the group. Yes, this is the time when everyone thinks they are right and other is wrong.

Wow. Again. For that thing, I would like to say to you who read this.

We, human may not be able living in solitary life without society. But we, human, may not be able as well trying to always fit ourselves in our society. So, when you think that, God, I can not hang on any more, people is sick now, you are allowed to say:

Dear my society, I am sorry I am not fit in so I am quit.

And having a more peaceful life afterwards.

Never Ending Same Question: Ever Worried of Being Unmarried?

​”Have you ever worried about being unmarried?” One of my friends asked, again.
I know I have written and talked lots about these. With you, with my close friends, and with my family. And the more I discuss about this, the more it will end up at the same point. But, that time I asked back to my friend about why that question came up. 

“I just worry about it now, like… a lot. And I think it’s good to talk with you because you seem like so calm about it,” as my friend answered by texting me.

So calm. The answer reminded me of my friend who ever said the same tone. I remember, it was while we were hanging out together and they were all talking about their love lives matter, and then one of them shouting to me. “You know what, I think you are too free like a bird. Sometimes you need to think about your love life too.”

Then I am wondering now, do I look that careless?


Here, I try to explore my own mind as probably you would do the same. I don’t know what’s happening to me lately. As something happens related with my life, whether it’s a career, family, or even love life, it doesn’t really bother me. Not as much as before.

Somesay because I have succeeded controlling my own emotion now. I am not easily falling into stressors anymore. But I am my self thinking that it is because I have reached the limit of my threshold. Similar with people in the mountain. While they are freezing by the maximum coldness, they can’t even feel the cold in their body any more. Their skins become insensitive. In this case, my mental is becoming able to endure any stressors. Just because I have reached my limit.
Back to the main topic, do I feel worry of not getting married yet?

Well, no one wants to be alone in their lives. Most of people want to marry the person they love and build the family. It’s like one of human’s ultimate goal. So do I. I want the same thing. I also open my self for many possibility and chance, but it just doesn’t work up until now. It just has not happened yet for me now. 

I guess, I am tired of thinking the positivity of why I have not gotten the one. I am tired of seeking the make sense reason. So does to the many failures in my life. I am just exhausting of finding the logic reasons. That’s what turns me into someone who seems so careless about life now.

I am now a present life person. I live today, I make an effort today, but I don’t want to push my self thinking about what’s next, what ifs, what wills, or whatsover.
Funny that I even often hate my self in the past. The too ambitious person, the over achiever, the too much chasing person. Drawn in the remorse, I ask my self: What did I really chase that time? Why did I act like that in fact nothing lasts forever? 

Yes, nothing lasts forever. We are just an actor of this whole life that has already being planned by the Creator. The married and unmarried things, the hired and unhired things, those all aren’t supposed to be forced to happen, yet. 
So that’s what going on my mind. But then just texted back to my friend saying: “Because I just let things go. Nothing more.” And I know my friend really unsatisfied with my answer. 

Being A Writer; The Easiest Getaway

Let me share you something.
I have been working for an Instagram project. And it demands me to enhance my Korean ability. That is why I become more often texting with my Korean pen pal. We have known each other like almost 3 months. I used to depend my vocabulary searching on translation such as Google. But, after I have been learning Korean too for around 2 months, I know that Google Translate for Korean is really invalid.

Because I stucked tonight, I asked my Korean pen pal. My Instagram project mostly consists of romantic and love lines, anyway. The sentence that made me confused was: “Can I call you mine?”

That then I asked him. One good thing from that man, even if he often makes a fun of me because I have a weird Korean pronounciation, but he always explain and answer my question. So did tonight. He translated it in most common familiar Korean sentences so that it sounds very natural. But the funny thing was that he said this:

“Really, have you just found a new date?”

This is why even if I have a Korean pen pal, I don’t want to ask them translating my writing lines. I will have to explain it over and over. But somehow, the chat between us tonight also reminds me of why I love being a writer. 

You could be anyone, you could experience anything, you could imagine everything while you are being a writer.

Just like Eleanor said in “Eleanor and Park”, why do you write? For escape. I really could feel it. Writing and reading are such a free and easy getaway from a real life. A life that feels like having a high wall preventing us from experiencing the impossibility.

Books, mostly from fiction authors provide lots of world that we never experienced before, without the need to literally experience it. Like, how the life of prostitute, the painful life of a man who befriend with a depression woman, the astronauts life, and s on. And even how the feeling of being loved by a perfect human being. 

So does writing. I feel like writing has always been a good way to channel my moods. We could run into the moon and galaxy, we could be a famous singer who have a scandal with a murderer, or even being a murderer in our own stories. That’s really why I love being a writer, for money or for fun.

The hard thing happens not only when we as a writer feel stuck and not getting any idea for writing. But moreover, when we start questioning ourselves, am I really a writer while I don’t feel good enough in writing anything?
Well, well, well.

But anyhow, up until now, I will still love the way of being a writer. With or without a social approval.

Anyway, I suddenly wonder, what if my Instagram project mostly about a crime and murder.  I could not imagine how shocked he would if I asked him:

“I will kill you tonight with my own sharp knife.”

Welcome To Tinder-ish World, A Place Where You Could Find An Agony

One day, I ever asked my manager why he used Tinder while he’s already married with a very kind and pretty woman. He said, just for fun. Well, that’s not surprising, at all.

Online dating has been developed since many times ago. If you ever heard chatting room applications with stranger such as miRC and Mingle, you would not be surprised of how Tinder becomes so popular recently. You don’t even need to wonder why.

If you have a chance to see a whole online catalogue, why bother walking around from mall to mall?

Yes, those such of Tinder-ish online dating applications cater us a very instant options of a good guys and ladies out there. Or at least, that’s just how it looks. There would be a point plus for us who have such a busy life and who want to have an instant catch. Wow, techno!

As our grand-grand-grand uncle, Einstein said, “I fear the day  that technology will surpass our human interaction.”

It’s really happening now. You might ever read stuffs of how dangerous Tinder-ish (or even social medias) affects dating nowadays, start from a forced hookups, rape, up to murder. Scary, yet true.

I will not tell you a lie, I admit that I used Tinder-ish too.

First, because I was just curious of how it works. Second, I wanted to know what kind of people there. Third, because much of my colleagues used it too just for their fun. And it’s a quite wow when I found that there were a lot of good quality people there, based on their profile such as jobs, names, photos, and how they explained their selves (you could differ people from their brief, isn’t it?).

But you know what, it was all began with the curiosity that led us into a more serious peril. It was all just ‘for fun’ things until we felt kind of addicted into it.

A feeling of ‘one more swipe’ or ‘one more hello’ that drove us over and over. We even tended to use it more often while we’re lonely or needing an approval or an acknowledgment. No wonder, a married person was also oured of this Tinder-ish too.

I will tell you how it came, based on how I feel toward it.

Tinder-ish applications provide us zillion good quality people.

Means, there would me more opportunity for us to find the person who suits with our qualifications VIRTUALLY. It could be their faces, their bodies, their smiles, their jobs, their schools, or even of how comfy they could make us while chatting with them.

We would find the approval of our own self easily while we could match with a top quality person there. We started thinking: “See, I’m not picky, I don’t have an over qualifications, they choose me too, means I am realistic!”

We would find the acknowledgment from the day to day conversation and flirting things there. That was when he or she said to you: “Hey, you have such a cute smile!” or “I like your eyes” or when they said they have a common interest with you. We could easily feel comfy somehow.

Then it would become more serious when we brought it into our real life.

Means, while there was a real person who try to be close with us, then we compared he or she with the ones we have in Tinder-ish world, we would always feel… incomplete. We would feel like: “He or she is way nicer.” That someway, brought a brick between us and the REAL opportunity.  

Let just say, some would end up with a meetup and hookup, not few who end up with a real relationship, but also, some would end up with a more and more searching, and moreover, some would just end up with… a more severe loneliness.

Why.

We can’t erase the fact that there are certain types of people in Tinder-ish world. The hookup-er, the fun searcher, and the most but the rare too, the lonely and serious one. It would not be a trouble when the same type meet each other. Like, the hookup-er meet the hookup-er too. Or the fun searcher with the fun searcher too. The matter happens when the lonely and serious one… meet the… other types.

Why.

Because somehow, even when the people in this type became closer and more intimate with the person there, the prejudice would overshadow them too. They would think of how unreal the intimacy they have with that person, especially when they both never meet. They also would think that person might has a similar intimacy with others at the same time they have with them. The thought of: “If he or she found me there, it’s so possible that someday he or she would leave me and find another one who’s better back to there.”

And just like a drug, when we tried to get rid of it, there would be a withdrawal syndrome. The feeling of agony. That’s why a research shows that it’s not good for us using an online dating while we are in loneliness. Because it would just lead us into another severe loneliness.

Wow, techno!

At this point, I could not be more agree with Uncle Einstein. Technology might make our lives easier. But not at the matter of feelings, emotions, and relationships.

Can not be analogous with finding things such as shoes, bags, or flight tickets; I must say that we can not e-buy a feeling and a person to love, right?

I Shuffled My Playlist And Here Were The 10 Songs Played

Let’s chill out a little bit. We’re not gonna talk about something serious or heavy right now. I will just show you of 10 first songs that played when I shuffled my playlist. So, here they are…

 

1. I Have Nothing by Whitney Houston

You see through right to the heart of me
You break down my walls with the strength of your love

2. Melting by April 2nd

녹아내린다 녹아내린다
It’s melting, it’s melting
닳아 없어져 버릴 만큼
Almost to the point of disappearing
너만 보면 여름에 얼음처럼
When I see you, I am like an ice cream in the summer
자꾸 내 맘이 녹아내려
My heart keeps melting

 

3. How Could You by The Triangle

The things we did to stay sane
The walks we had in the rain
The places we used to hang
How could you do this to me

 

4. I Really Like You by Carly Rae Jepsen

Late night, watching television
But how’d we get in this position?
It’s way too soon, I know this isn’t love
But I need to tell you something
I really really really really really really like you

 

5. Just My Imagination by The Cranberries

There was a game we used to play
We would hit the town on Friday night
And stay in bed until Sunday
We used to be so free
We were living for the love we had and
Living not for reality

 

6. The First Snow by Jung Joon Il

영원을 거슬러 하루를 아니

Even if I go past eternity
일분을 보게 돼도

And look on one day, no, just one minute
그럴수 있다면 견뎌낼게

If only I could endure, I will endure
그 기다림 끝에

At the end of this waiting
그대가 서있어주길

I hope you will be standing there

 

7. It’s A Beautiful Day by Michael Bublé

It’s my turn to fly, so girls, get in line
‘Cause I’m easy, no playing this guy like a fool
Now I’m alright
Might’ve had me caged before, but not tonight

 

8. Misguided Ghosts by Paramore

We all learn to make mistakes
And run from them, from them
With no direction
We’ll run from them, from them
With no conviction

 

9. 50 Ways To Say Goodbye by Train

That’s cool, but if my friends ask where you are I’m gonna say

She went down in an airplane
Fried getting suntan
Fell in a cement mixer full of quicksand
Help me, help me, I’m no good at goodbyes!

10. Lucky Day by Every Single Day

나의 잠을 깨운 매일 반복되는 TV소리
Everyday I wake up with television’s sound
오늘도 여전히 가슴 떨려오는 나의 질주
Today my heart trembling as if I come from race
It`s lucky lucky lucky day
I want you every single day

 

That was all. What do you think about a short sneak peak of my playlist? So miscellaneous, isn’t it? What about yours? Try to shuffle your playlist and tell me your 10 first songs!